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The doctor was surprised to find old man Jones sitting on the bed holding up his middle finger and sticking out his tongue. He walked over to the nurse who was taking his vitals. "Excuse me," said the doctor, "but why is Mr. Jones sitting like that?" The nurse replied, "I told him you were going to examine his sexual organs."
A visitor to a bed-and-breakfast inn in the country awoke early one morning to find the farmer and his family still asleep. Slightly irritated at not having his breakfast ready, he took a glass and went out to the barn to try his hand at milking the cow himself. Later, on his way back into the house, he met the farmer and his wife who had just come downstairs to begin the day's work. "What were you doing out in the barn?" the farmer asked. The visitor replied, "Well, I woke up at eight o'clock and you were still asleep, and breakfast wasn't ready, so I thought I'd go out and milk the cow myself. It took longer than I thought it would, but after a few minutes, she finally filled the glass all at one time." He then took a long drink from his glass and asked, "Say, what kind of cow is that, anyway?" "We don't have a cow, son," the farmer replied. "We have a bull."
Q: Did you hear about the fire in the redneck's library?
A: Both the books got burned, and one hadn't even been colored in yet.
The wife appeared before the judge and said, "I want a divorce from that jerk over there." The judge said, "Why do you want the divorce?" "Because he's a terrible lover." The judge asked, "How long have you been married?" "Fourteen years," she replied. "I don't understand. Why did you wait 14 years to divorce your husband for being a terrible lover?" She said, "Because, your honor, until this insurance salesman stopped by my house last week, I didn't know."
Little Billy comes running into the house. He screams, "Daddy, Daddy! Mama just got hit by a bus!" His father answers, "Billy, that's just plain mean shouting it out like that. You know my lips are chapped. Please don't make me smile."
FEAR OF NEEDLES
A guy went to the dentist to get a tooth pulled. First off, the dentist said he would give the guy a shot to numb the jaw. But the guy said he was afraid of needles. The dentist said, "Okay, I'll get out the gas to put you to sleep." But the patient said he was allergic to gas. So, the dentist said he'd look for something else. After awhile, he came back with a couple of pills. The guy asked what they were. The dentist said, "Viagra." The patient said, "What? Why these?" The dentist said, "They won't put you to sleep, but they'll give you something to hang onto while I pull your tooth."
Q: How can you tell which blonde is the waitress?
A: She's the one with the tampon behind her ear, wondering what she did with her pencil.
The college dorm advisor heard strange noises from Todd's room, well after lights-out. He knocked on the door and said, "Todd, are you entertaining in there?" From behind the door, Todd answered, "Just a second I'll ask her!"
A woman goes to the doctor's office. "Doc, I've got a strange problem I need your opinion on." "Could you describe the symptoms to me?" he asked. "Well, it's easier if I show you," she said and, standing up, proceeded to undress. When she was down to her underwear, she sat on the edge of the examining table and spread her legs to reveal two small green circles on her inner thighs. "They don't hurt or anything, but I was a little worried about them." The doctor peered closely at the two circles and said, "Are you a lesbian, by any chance?" he asked. Embarrassed, she replied, "Well, yes, I am actually. Why do you ask?" "Well," said the doctor, "I'm afraid you'll have to tell your girlfriend that her earrings aren't real gold."
LEAVING WORK EARLY
Three female co-workers notice that their female boss has started leaving work early every day, so one day they decide that after she leaves, they'll take off early, too. After all, she never calls or comes back, so how is she to know? The brunette is thrilled to get home early. She does a little gardening, watches a movie and goes to bed early. The redhead is elated to be able to get in a quick workout at her health club before meeting a dinner date. The blonde is also very happy to be home early, but as she goes upstairs she hears noises coming from her bedroom. She quietly opens the door a crack and is mortified to see her husband in bed with her boss! Ever so gently, she closes the door and creeps out of her house. The next day, the brunette and redhead talk about leaving early again, but when they ask the blonde if she wants to leave early also, she exclaims, "No way! Yesterday I almost got caught!"
BAR AND G SPOT
Q: What's the difference between a bar and a G spot?
A: Most men have no trouble finding a bar.
A man takes a pair of underwear out of his dresser, and is surprised to see a "cloud" of dust appear. As he shakes out his underwear, he calls to his wife, "Honey, why did you put talcum powder in my underwear?" The wife replies, "It's not talcum powder. It's Miracle Grow."
Q: Why don't Jewish mothers drink?
A: Alcohol interferes with their suffering.
DADDY AND AUNT JANE
Little Johnny watched his daddy's car pass by the school playground and go into the woods. Curious, he followed the car and saw Daddy and Aunt Jane in a passionate embrace. Little Johnny found this so exciting, he couldn't contain himself as he ran home and started to tell his mother. "Mommy, I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt. Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane " At this point, Mom cut him off and said, "Johnny, this is such an interesting story, suppose you save the rest of it for suppertime. I want to see the look on your father's face when you tell it tonight." At the dinner table, Mommy asked little Johnny to tell his story. Johnny started his story about the car going into the woods, the undressing, Aunt Jane laying down on the back seat. Johnny continued, "Then Aunt Jane and Daddy started doing the same thing Mommy and Uncle Bill used to do when Daddy was in the Army." The moral of the story: Sometimes you need to listen to the whole story before you interrupt.
Q: What do you call a blonde with two brain cells?
A: Pregnant with twins.
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