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Q: Why are the Japanese so smart?
A: No blondes.
INTO THE VALLEY
God said, "Adam, I want you to do something for me." Adam said, "Gladly, what do you want me to do?" God said, "Go down into that valley." Adam said, "What's a valley?" God explained it to him. Then God said, "Cross the river." Adam said, "What's a river?" God explained that to him, and then said, "Go over to the hill." Adam said, "What is a hill?" So, God explained to Adam what a hill was. He told Adam, "On the other side of the hill you will find a cave." Adam said, "What's a cave?" After God explained, he said, "In the cave you will find a woman." Adam said, "What's a woman?" So God explained that to him, too. Then, God said, "I want you to reproduce." Adam said, "How do I do that?" God explained that to Adam as well. So, Adam goes down into the valley, across the river, and over the hill, into the cave, and finds the woman. Then, in about five minutes, he was back. God, his patience wearing thin, said angrily, "What is it now?" And Adam said, "What's a headache?"
THE WHOLE FINGER
Judi, the blonde, runs crying into the house. "What's wrong?" gasps her best friend Carol. "It's my boyfriend," gushes Judi. "He was working on the engine under the hood of his car when the lid came down and cut off a finger!" "My god," shrieks Carol. "Did it amputate his whole finger?" "No, thank goodness," sniffs Judi. "But it was the one just next to it!"
A young woman went into Victoria's Secret and asked if she might have the sentence, "If you can read this, you're too close!" embroidered on her panties and bra. "Yes, madam," said the clerk, "I'm quite certain that could be done. What kind of lettering would you like it done in?" "Braille," she replied.
The boss went up to the bartender and asked, "Have you been fooling around with the waitress?" "Oh no, sir, I sure haven't," replied the bartender. The boss replied, "Good, then you fire her!"
Q: How can you tell if a woman is really in the mood?
A: When you put your hand down her pants, it feels like you're feeding a horse.
A woman is on vacation in Las Vegas, playing the slot machines. It's her first time in a casino, so she asks a casino employee, "How does this work?" The worker shows her how to insert a bill, how to hit the spin button, and to operate the machine's release handle. "And where does the money come out?" the woman asks. The casino employee smiles, motions to the far wall, and says, "Usually at the ATM."
A man on a business trip went into a singles bar, approached two women, and offered either of them two hundred dollars to spend the night with him. One girl stormed out in a rage, but the other remained cool, calm...and collected.
Q: Did you hear about the new form of birth control for blondes?
A: They take off their makeup.
A 60-year-old man went to the doctor for a checkup The doctor told him, "You're in terrific shape. There's nothing wrong with you. Why, you might live forever. You have the body of a 35-year-old. By the way, how old was your father when he died?" The 60-year-old responded, "Who said he was dead?" The doctor was surprised and asked, "How old is he and is he very active?" The 60-year-old responded, "Well, he is 82 and he still goes skiing three times a season and surfing three times a week during the summer." The doctor couldn't believe it. "Well, how old was your grandfather when he died?" The 60-year-old responded again, "Who said he was dead?" The doctor was astonished. He said, "You mean to tell me you're 60 and both your father and your grandfather are alive? Is your grandfather very active?" The 60-year-old said, "He goes skiing at least once a season and surfing once a week during the summer. Not only that," said the patient, "my grandfather is 106, and next week he is getting married again." The doctor said, "At 106, why on earth would your grandfather want to get married?" His patient looked up and said, "Who said he wanted to?"
A husband and wife were shopping when the wife said, "Dear, it's my mother's birthday tomorrow. What shall we buy for her? She'd like something electric." The husband replied, "How about a chair?"
While vacationing in the hills of Alabama, the big city guy discovered that he had no writing paper at all for his personal correspondence. He went into the small town nearby and found only an old-fashioned country store. Behind the counter was a beautiful young lass, a local farm girl. He asked, "Do you keep stationery?" "Well," she giggled, "I can until I have an orgasm, then I just go wild!"
Q: What's the difference between husbands and prisoners?
A: Prisoners complain behind bars. Husbands complain in them.
Mr. Smith goes to the doctor's office to collect his wife's test results. The lab technician says, "I'm sorry, sir, but there has been a bit of a mix-up and we have a problem. When we sent the samples from your wife to the lab, the samples from another Mrs. Smith were sent as well and we are now uncertain which one is your wife's. Frankly, it is either bad news or terrible news!" "What do you mean?" said Mr. Smith. "Well, one Mrs. Smith tested positive for Alzheimers, and the other tested positive for AIDS. We can't tell which is your wife's test." "That's terrible!" said Mr. Smith. "Can we do the test over?" "Normally, yes. But you have Blue Cross Health Care, and they won't pay for these expensive tests more than once." "Well, what am I supposed to do now?" said Mr. Smith. "Blue Cross Health Care recommends that you drop your wife off in the middle of town. If she finds her way home, don't sleep with her."
"What did Dad say when he found out you're pregnant?" Mary asked her mother. Mary's mother asked, "Should I leave out the profanity?" "Sure, if you want, " said Mary. Mom replied, "Nothing."
A Presbyterian, a Methodist, and a Southern Baptist and their wives were all on a cruise together. A tidal wave came up and swamped the ship, and all the couples drowned. Soon, they're standing before St. Peter at the pearly gates to be judged. The first in line was the Presbyterian and his wife. St. Peter shook his head sadly and said, "I can't let you in. You were moral and upright, but you loved money too much. You loved it so much, you even married a woman named Penny." St. Peter waved sadly, and poof, down the chute to Hell they went. Then came the Methodist. "Sorry, can't let you in either," said Saint Peter. "You abstained from liquor and dancing and cards, but you loved food too much. You loved food so much, you even married a woman named Candy!" Sadly, St. Peter waved again, and down the chute went the Methodists. The Southern Baptist turned to his wife and whispered nervously, "It ain't looking good, Fanny."
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