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Q: How can you tell a woman is really ugly?
A: A cannibal takes one look at her and orders a salad.
Mike and Joan were having some problems at home and were giving each other the "silent treatment." Then Mike realized he'd need his wife to wake him at 5:00 a.m. for an early morning drive golf match with his friends. Not wanting to be the first to break the silence, he wrote on a piece of paper, "Please wake me at 5:00 a.m." The next morning, Mike woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 a.m. and he missed his golf match entirely. Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't awakened him when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed. The paper said, "It is 5:00 a.m. Wake up."
The organizers of National Orgasm Week were disappointed to learn that the majority of women polled just pretended to celebrate.
CROSSING THE ROAD
Q: Why did the man cross the road?
A: He heard the chicken was easy.
I know a guy so ugly that when he went to Michael Jackson's house, he had to sleep in his own bed.
A businessman packing for a trip glances in his briefcase. "Honey," he says to his wife. "Yes, darling?" she replies. "Honey," he says, in mild exasperation, "Why do you persist in putting a condom in my briefcase every time I go on a trip? You know I only have eyes for you. I'd never be unfaithful." "Oh, I know, darling, and I trust you," she replies sweetly, "It's just that, well, you know, with all those terrible diseases out there, it would make me feel better to know that if anything did happen, you'd be protected. So please, darling, take it with you, won't you? For my peace of mind?" "Oh, all right, if you put it that way," he relented, "I'll do it for you. But for safety's sake, give me more than one!"
Q: What's a Jewish wife's idea of a perfect house?
A: Six thousand square feet, no kitchen, no bedroom.
A woman is caught speeding on the freeway, and is pulled over by a traffic cop. He says "Ma'am, you were going 85 miles per hour, can I see your driver's license?" "I don't have one," says the woman, "it was revoked for reckless driving." "I see," says the policeman. "Then will you please show me your vehicle registration?" "I don't have that either because the car's not mine," says the woman. "Whose car is it, then?" asks the policeman. She answers, "It belongs to the man I killed this morning and chopped up in pieces, put in plastic bags, and loaded into the trunk. I was just going to dispose of him." The policeman, shocked, says, "You just stay where you are, I'm calling reinforcements." Soon the captain comes, and asks the woman, "License please?" The woman, politely, says, "Certainly, here it is," and hands over her license. "Can I see the car's registration, please?" asks the captain, and the woman says, "Certainly," and hands it over to him. He then asks, "Would you mind if I looked in your trunk?" "Not at all," says the woman, and pops the trunk. He looks in and it's empty. "Excuse me," says the captain, "but my officer her told me you had no license, no vehicle registration, and that you had stolen the car, killed its owner, cut him into pieces and loaded him in your trunk!" The woman answered, "Really? I bet the damn liar said I was speeding, too!"
DISNEY AND VIAGRA
Q: What do Disney World and Viagra have in common?
A: They both make you wait an hour for a two-minute ride.
A man was sitting at a bar, morosely staring at his untouched beer. The bartender walked over and asked, "What's the problem, pal?" "My brother just told me there's a sperm bank in his neighborhood that pays $40 for a donation." "Yeah, so?" "Don't you realize?" the man cried. "I've let a fortune slip through my fingers!"
A young American was enjoying his first night in Rome, drinking cappuccino at a pavement cafe when a pretty girl sat beside him. "Hello," he said. " Do you understand English?" "Only a little," she answered. "How much?" he asked. "Fifty dollars," she replied.
Q: What do your boss and a Slinky have in common?
A: It's fun to watch them tumble down the stairs.
MEETING THE PARENTS
A teenage boy is taken to his girlfriend's home to meet her parents for the first time. The mother hands him a piece of cake. They all sit there in silence wondering what to say, when the family dog walks in, sits down, and proceeds to lick its testicles. To break the ice, the boy looks at the girl's father and says, "I wish I could do that!" The father looks at the boy and says, "Give it a piece of your cake, and it might let you!"
Q: What's better than seeing a woman wrestle?
A: Seeing her box.
The man tells his doctor that his wife hasn't wanted to have sex with him for the past seven months. The physician tells the man to bring his wife in so he can talk to her. When the wife comes to office, the doctor asks her why she doesn't want to have sex with her husband anymore. "For the last seven months," the wife replies, "every morning I take a cab to work. I don't make much money, and my husband doesn't give more than bus fare, so the cab driver always asks me, 'So, are you going to pay today or what?' I always give him an 'or what.' That makes me late to work. I'm late, so the boss asks me, 'So are we going to dock your salary, or what?' That's another 'or what.' On the way home, I take the cab and again I don't have any money, so the cab driver asks me, 'So are you going to pay this time or what?' And, again, I do an 'or what.' So you see, doctor, when I get home I'm all tired out and I don't want sex anymore." The doctor thinks for a second. "So," he says, "are we going to tell your husband or what?"
Q: Why aren't there any Jewish mothers on parole boards?
A: They'd never let anyone finish a sentence.
The middle-aged woman sought help from her doctor. "All my husband does is complain that I never want to have sex with him," she said. "And he's right, too. I have no desire at all." The doctor gave her a prescription and told her to return for a visit in two weeks. After the two weeks were up, she bounced into his office, grinning ear-to-ear. "Those pills were great Doc, I'm doing it twice a night now." "That's wonderful," said the doctor. "What does you husband say now?" "How should I know?" she replied. "I haven't been home yet."
SEX FOR MONEY
The big difference between sex for money and sex for free is that sex for money costs less.
APPLES OF LIFE
A little girl walks into her parents' bathroom and notices her father's nakedness. Immediately, she's curious. She asks, "What are those round things hanging there, Daddy?" Proudly, he replies, "Those, sweetheart, are God's apples of life. Without them, we wouldn't be here." Puzzled, she seeks out her mother and tells her what Daddy said. Her mother asks, "Did he say anything about the dead branch they're hanging from?"
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