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LONGER EACH DAY
Ralph awoke one day to realize that his member had inexplicably been growing larger and staying erect longer with each passing day. He was delighted, as was his wife. But after several weeks, his sex organ had grown to nearly 20 inches and Ralph became quite concerned. He was having problems dressing and even walking. So, he and his wife went to see a prominent urologist. After an initial examination, the doctor explained that Ralph's condition could be fixed through corrective surgery. "How long will Ralph be on crutches?" the wife asked anxiously. "Crutches? Why would he need crutches?" responded the surprised doctor. "Well," said the wife, "you are planning on lengthening Ralph's legs, aren't you?"
Q: Did you hear about the girl who went on a fishing trip with six guys?
A: She came back with a red snapper.
According to a recent survey, men say the first thing they notice about a woman is her eyes. Women say the first thing they notice about men is that they're a bunch of liars.
A worried new mother went to the psychiatrist. "Doctor," she said, "Since I had the baby I can't sleep at night. When I'm in the next room, I have this dreadful fear that I won't hear the baby if he falls out of the crib at night. What should I do?" "Easy," said the doctor. "Just take the carpet off the floor."
A synonym is a word you use in place of one you can't spell.
A group of golfers were approaching the first tee when they noticed a woman being given first aid. One of the golfers asked what had happened, and he was informed that the woman had been stung by a bee and was having an allergic reaction. "Where was she bit?" one of the players asked. "Between the first and second hole," was the reply. The player responded, "Wow, she must have been standing right over the hive."
Michael Jackson has checked into the Betty Ford clinic. His reps say it's to cure him of his 12-year-old crack habit.
STUPID AND BEAUTIFUL
A man said to his wife one day, "I don't know how you can be so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time." The wife responded, "Allow me to explain. God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me. God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you!"
An older couple is lying in bed one morning, having just awakened from a good night's sleep. He takes her hand and she responds, "Don't touch me." "Why not?" he asks. She answers back, "Because I'm dead." The husband says, "What are you talking about? We're both lying here in bed together and talking to one another." She says, "No, I'm definitely dead." He insists, "You're not dead. What in the world makes you think you're dead?" "Because I woke up this morning and nothing hurts."
OFF MY CHEST
A very pert and attractive female employee meets with her boss and says, "I'd like to get something off my chest." "What's that?" asks the boss. "Your eyes," she replies.
A guy went to the hospital for a circumcision, but because of a mix-up, ended up having a complete sex change. All the doctors and nurses gathered around his bed as he was waking up so they could give him the bad news. Naturally, the poor guy went to pieces and started crying when they explained what had happened to him. "Damn," he moaned, "This means I'll never be able to experience an erection ever again!" "Of course you will," one of the doctors soothed. "It'll just have to be someone else's."
Law enforcement officials recently reported the hijacking of a truck carrying Viagra. Authorities are looking for the culprits. They suspect the hijackers are a gang of hardened criminals.
An old man and a young woman are stuck in an elevator and the building is on fire. The young woman asks, "Sir, I'm interested what would you do if you thought you only had 20 minutes to live?" "Well, I think I would screw anything that moved. Why what would you do?" asked the old man. "Well, under the circumstances," said the woman, "I think I would remain perfectly still."
For Mike's birthday, his wife wanted to surprise him when he came home from work. After some careful consideration, she decided to strip naked and wrap herself in Saran wrap from her shoulders to her ankles. Soon, Michael enters his house exhausted from a tough day at work. Mike walks through the kitchen, puts his lunchbox down, and hears his wife say, "Honey, I'm in the living room." Rounding the corner, he spots her wrapped up in plastic. After a quick peek, he sighs and says, "Leftovers again!"
"In my case," said the student to the sex researcher, "when I get it part of the way in, my vision blurs. And when it's all the way in, I can't see a thing." "Now, that's an most interesting optical reaction," said the researcher. "It may well have anatomical as well as physiological basis. If you don't mind, young man, I'd like to have a look at it." So, the student shrugged and stuck out his tongue.
Earl and his wife Diane went to the state fair every year, and every year Morris would say, "Diane, I'd like to ride in that stunt airplane." Diane always replied, "I know, Earl, but that airplane ride costs 50 dollars, and 50 dollars is 50 dollars." One year Earl and Diane went to the fair and Earl said, "Diane, I'm 75 years old. If I don't ride in that stunt airplane, I might never get another chance." Diane replied, "Earl, that airplane ride costs 50 dollars, and 50 dollars is 50 dollars." The pilot overheard them and said, "Folks, I'll make you a deal. I'll take you both up for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say one word, I won't charge you, but if you say one word, it'll cost you 50 dollars." Earl and Diane agreed and up they went. The pilot did all kinds of twists and turns, rolls and dives, but not a word was heard. He did all his tricks over again, but still not a word. When the plane landed, the pilot turned to Earl and said, "By golly, I did everything I could think of to get you to yell out, but you didn't." Earl replied, "Well, I was gonna say something when Diane fell out, but 50 dollars is 50 dollars."
Marvin had been feeling down for so long that he finally decided to seek the aid of a psychiatrist. At the psychiatrist's office, Marvin spilled his guts, then waited for the profound wisdom of the psychiatrist to make him feel better. The psychiatrist asked Marvin a few questions, took some notes then sat thinking in silence for a few minutes with a puzzled look on his face. Suddenly, he looked up with an expression of delight and said, "I think your problem is low self-esteem. It's very common among losers."
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