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Two older gentlemen were talking and one said to the other, "You're having an anniversary soon, right?" The other replied, "Yep, a big one, 20 years." "Wow," said the other, "what are you going to get your wife for your anniversary?" The other replied, "We're going on a trip to Australia." "Wow, Australia, that's some gift!" said the other man. "That's going to be hard to beat next year. What are you going to do for your 25th anniversary?" "Go back and get her."
Q: What's meaner than a pit bull with AIDS?
A: The guy that gave it to him.
One morning, a guy rolled over, and sleeping peacefully beside him was the ugliest girl he'd ever seen. Very quietly, he slipped his arm out from under her, got up, and dressed as fast as he could. He put a $20 bill on the bureau and started to tiptoe out. Just then he felt a tug on his pants leg. Looking down, he saw a girl even uglier than the one in the bed. She looked up at him, smiled a toothless smile, and asked, "Nothing for the bridesmaid?"
Eva is talking to her best friend. "I have to be damned careful not to get pregnant," Eva says. "I thought your husband had a vasectomy," her friend says. Eva replies, "He did!"
A man decides to take the opportunity while his wife is away to paint the toilet seat. After he finished, he headed to the kitchen to raid the refrigerator. The wife comes home sooner than expected, and heads to the bathroom, sits down, and gets the toilet seat stuck to her rear. She becomes upset and in a panic shouts to her husband to drive her to the doctor. She puts on a large overcoat to cover the stuck seat, and off they go. When they get to the doctor's office, the man lifts his wife's coat to show their predicament. The man asked, "Doctor, have you ever seen anything like this before?" "Well, yes," the doctor replied. "But never framed."
Q: What does a blonde say after sex?
A: "Are you guys all on the same team?"
Grandpa was showing little Johnny around the farm, and when they come to the corral, they found a bull and cow mating. Grandpa explained, "That's a bull and a cow, and he's serving her." A little later on, they saw horses, also in the process of mating. Grandpa said, "That's a stud and a mare, and he's serving her, too." That night, at supper, after everyone was seated, Grandma turned to Grandpa and said, "Will you please serve the turkey?" Little Johnny jumped up and yelled, "If he does, I'm eating a hamburger!"
36 FEET DEEP
Q: When lawyers die, why are they buried in a hole 36 feet deep?
A: Because down deep, they're all nice guys!
AN AMERICAN IN LONDON
An American tourist in London decides to skip his tour group and explore the city on his own. He wanders around, seeing the sights, and occasionally stopping at a quaint pub to soak up the local culture, chat with the lads, and have a pint of beer. After awhile, he finds himself in a very high-class neighborhood with big, stately residencesno pubs, no stores, no restaurants, and worst of all, no public restrooms. He really, really has to go, especially after all those beers. He finds a narrow side street, with high walls surrounding the adjacent buildings and decides to use the wall to solve his problem. As he is unzipping, he is tapped on the shoulder by a London Bobbie, who says, "I say, sir, you simply cannot do that here, you know." "I'm very sorry, officer," replies the American, "but I really, really have to go, and I just can't find a public restroom." "Ah, yes," said the Bobbie, "just follow me." He leads him to a back delivery alley, then along a wall to a gate, which he opens. "In there," points the Bobbie. "Whiz away, anywhere you want." The fellow enters and finds himself in the most beautiful garden he has ever seen. Manicured grass lawns, statuary, fountains, sculptured hedges, and huge beds of gorgeous flowers, all in perfect bloom. Since he has the cop's blessing, he unburdens himself and is greatly relieved. As he goes back through the gate, he says to the Bobbie, "That was really decent of you. Is that British hospitality?" "No," replied the Bobbie, with a satisfied smile on his face, "That is the French Embassy."
Q: What should you do if an elephant comes in your window?
A: Learn to swim.
Bill, a 70-year-old, extremely wealthy widower, shows up at the country club with a breathtakingly beautiful 25-year-old blonde on his arm. She's hanging on his every word. His buddies at the club are aghast. They corner him and ask, "Bill how did you get the trophy girlfriend?" Bill replies, "Girlfriend? She's my wife!" They're stunned, but continue to inquire about Bill's companion. "So, how did you persuade her to marry you?" Bill says, "I lied about my age." His friends respond, "What do you mean? Did you tell her you were only 50?" Bill smiles and says, "No, I told her I was 90."
Q: Why did God give men penises?
A: So they'd have at least one way to shut a woman up.
Laura fell for her new dentist and pretty soon had lured him into a series of passionate encounters in the dental clinic after hours. One day, he said sadly, "Laura, honey, we have to stop seeing each other. Your husband's bound to get suspicious." "No way, sweetie, he's dumb as a post," she assured him. "Besides, we've been messing around for six months now and he doesn't suspect a thing." "True," agreed the dentist, "but you're down to one tooth!"
Q: Why won't cannibals eat divorced women?
A: They're always bitter.
SMALL, MEDIUM, LARGE
A man was in a terrible accident, and his "manhood" was mangled and torn from his body. His doctor assured him that modern medicine could give him back his manhood, but that his insurance wouldn't cover the surgery since it was considered cosmetic. The doctor said the cost would be $3,500 for "small," $6,500 for "medium" and $14,000 for "large." The man was sure he would want a medium or large, but the doctor urged him to talk it over with his wife before he made any decisions. The man called his wife on the phone and explained their options. The doctor came back into the room, and found the man looking dejected. "Well, what have the two of you decided?" asked the doctor. The man answered, "She'd rather remodel the kitchen."
If the Jacksonville Jaguars are known as the "Jags," and the Tampa Bay Buccaneers are known as the "Bucs," what does that make the Tennessee Titans?
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