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One morning, a man calls his boss to tell him he'll be out sick. The boss presses for specifics, and the man says, "Sir, I have rectal glaucoma." "And what does that mean?" asks the boss. The man replies, "I just can't see my ass coming in to work today."
His wife had just bought a new line of expensive cosmetics absolutely guaranteed to make her looks years longer. She sat in front of the mirror for what had to be hours applying the "miracle" products. Finally, when she was done, she turned to her husband and said, "Honey, honestly now, what age would you say I am?" He nodded his head in assessment, and carefully said, "Well, judging from your skin, 20. Your hair, 18. Your figure, 25." "Oh, you're so sweet!" the wife said. "Well, hang on," said the husband, "I'm not done adding it up yet."
Q: Why can't blondes be cattle ranchers?
A: They can't keep their calves together.
A blonde woman named Brandi finds herself in dire trouble. Her business has gone bust and she's in serious financial straits. She's so desperate she decides to ask God for help. She begins to pray. "God, please help me. I've lost my business and if I don't get some money, I'm going to lose my house as well. Please let me win the lottery." Lottery night comes and somebody else wins it. Brandi again prays, "God, please let me win the lottery! I've lost my business, my house and I'm going to lose my car as well!" But lottery night again comes and goes and Brandi still has no luck. Once again Brandi prays. "My God, why have you forsaken me? I've lost my business, my house and my car. My children are starving. I don't often ask you for help and I have always been a good servant to you. Please let me win the lottery just this one time so I can get my life back in order!" Suddenly, there is a blinding flash of light as the heavens open up and Brandi is confronted by the voice of God himself. God says, "Brandi, meet me halfway on this. Buy a ticket."
Q: Did you hear about the Scottish farmer who thought he'd caught a nasty STD?
A: Turns out he was just allergic to wool.
The Pope had become very ill and was taken to many doctors who were all quite skilled in the latest medical techniques. None of them could figure out how to cure him, or even what ailed him. Finally, a wise old physician was brought in. After an hour, he came out and told the cardinals that the Pope had a difficult disorder of the testicles, commonly referred to as "terminal blue balls." He said the good news was that all the Pope had to do to be cured was to have sex a couple of times. Well, of course this was not good news to the cardinals, who argued about it at length. Finally, they went to the Pope himself with the doctor and explained the situation. After some thought, the Pope stated, "I reluctantly agree, but only under four very strict conditions." The cardinals were amazed. "What are the four conditions?" asked one of the cardinals. The Pope replied, "First, the girl must be blind, so she cannot see with whom she is having sex. Second, she must be deaf, so she cannot hear with whom she is having sex. And third, she must be mute so if she somehow figures it out, she can tell no one." After another long pause, a voice finally asked, "And the fourth condition?" The Pope replied, "Big boobs!"
Q: What's the difference between a woman's zipper and a man's zipper?
A: When a woman unzips her pants, her brains don't fall out.
CAUGHT IN THE ACT
One night, an 87-year-old woman came home from Bingo to find her 92-year-old husband in bed with another woman. She became violent and ended up pushing him off the balcony of their 20th floor apartment, killing him instantly. Brought before the court, on the charge of murder, she was asked if she had anything to say in her own defense. "Your Honor," she began coolly, "I figured that at 92, if he could screw, he could fly."
A cop saw a car weaving all over the road and pulled it over. He walked up to the car and saw a nice-looking blonde woman behind the wheel. There was a strong smell of liquor on her breath. He said, "I'm going to give you a breathalyzer test to determine if you are under the influence of alcohol." She blew up the balloon and he walked it back to the police car. After a couple of minutes, he returned to her car and said, "It looks like you've had a couple of stiff ones." She turned red, and replied, "You mean it shows that, too?"
Q: What did the blonde name her pet zebra?
Little Johnny attended a horse auction with his father. He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse's legs, rump, and chest. After a few minutes, Johnny asked, "Dad, why are you doing that?" His father replied, "Because when I'm buying horses, I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy. Johnny, looking worried, said, "Dad, I think the UPS guy wants to buy Mom."
TWO STORY HOUSE
A man went before a judge one day, asking for a divorce. The judge quietly reviewed some papers, then said, "Please tell me why you are seeking a divorce." "Because," the man said, "I live in a two-story house." The judge replied, "What kind of a reason is that? What's the big deal about a two-story house?" The man answers, "Well, your honor, one story is 'I have a headache' and the other story is 'It's that time of the month.'"
Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all.
There was an old woman with three daughters. She was getting old and wanted some grandchildren, so she let her daughters pick their mates and locked them into their bedrooms overnight. She was a nosy old woman, and wanted to find out how things were going. She walked past the first room and heard screaming. She walked past the second room and heard laughing. She walked past the third room and didn't hear anything. In the morning, she decided to find out what happened the night before. She asked the first daughter, "Why were you screaming?" The first daughter responded, "Because it hurt." Then, she asked the second one, "Why were you laughing?" The second daughter said, "Because it tickled." The old woman asked the third one, "Why weren't you saying anything?" The third daughter shrugged her shoulders and calmly replied, "Because, Mom, you told me not to talk with my mouth full."
30 TIMES LEFT
A man is having problems with his penis, which had seen better times. He consults a doctor who, after a couple of tests, says, "Sorry, but you've overdone it the last 30 years. Your penis is simply burned out. You only have 30 erections left." The man walks home, deeply depressed. His wife is waiting for him at the front door and asks him what the doctor said concerning his problem. He tells her what the doctor had said. She says, "Oh, no! Only 30 times? We shouldn't waste that. We should make a list!" He replies, "Yes, I already made a list on the way home. Sorry, your name isn't on it."
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