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Experts say there are two reasons why it is nearly impossible to solve a redneck murder. One, all the DNA is the same. Two, there are no dental records.
A man walks into a sperm bank and declares, "I'm a star athlete, and have an I.Q. of 165, and I'd like to make a donation." The nurse gives him a sealed cup and directs him to a private room. Twenty minutes later, the man hasn't come out, the nurse knocks on the door. "Is there a problem?" The man says, "I'm so embarrassed. I used my right hand. I used my left hand. I poured cold water on it and hot water on it. Could you help me?" The nurse replied, "I don't usually do this, but you are kind of cute." She gets on her knees and begins gratify him orally. "I really appreciate this," said the man, "but I need help getting the cap off the jar."
LAWYER AND BUCKET
Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a bucket of crap?
A: The bucket.
CAUGHT IN THE ACT
A young girl walks in on her parents having sex. She asks, "Mom, what are you doing to Dad?" Mom, embarrassed, replies, "I was just letting the air out of himhe's too fat." The little girl replies, "Why? The lady next door is just going to blow him up again."
While out one morning in the park, a jogger found a brand new tennis ball, and seeing no one around it might belong to, he slipped it into the pocket of his shorts. Later, on his way home, he stopped at the pedestrian crossing, waiting for the light to change. A blonde standing next to him eyed the large bulge in his shorts. "What's that?" she asked, her eyes gleaming. "Tennis ball," came the reply from the man. "Oh," said the blonde, sympathetically, "That must be painful. I had tennis elbow once."
A man was driving down a quiet country road when a rooster wandered into his path. The rooster disappeared under the car in a cloud of feathers. Shaken, the man pulled over at the farmhouse and rang the doorbell. A farmer appeared. The man nervously said, "I think I killed your rooster. Please allow me to replace him." "Suit yourself," the farmer replied. "The hens are around back."
WOMEN AND VOLCANOS
Q: What's the difference between a woman and a volcano?
A: A volcano never fakes an eruption.
THE FLESH IS WEAK
A priest and a rabbi are seated together on a plane. After a while, the priest turns to the rabbi and asks, "Is it still a requirement of your faith that you not eat pork?" The rabbi responds, "Yes, that is still one of our beliefs." The priest then asks, "Have you ever eaten pork?" To which the rabbi replies, "Yes, on one occasion, I did succumb to temptation and tasted a ham sandwich." The priest nodded in understanding and went on with his reading. Later, the rabbi spoke up and asked the priest, "Father, is it still a requirement of your church that you remain celibate?" The priest replied, "Yes, that is still very much a part of our faith." The rabbi then asked him, "Father, have you ever fallen to the temptation of the flesh?" The priest replied, "Yes, rabbi, on one occasion I was weak and broke with my faith." The rabbi nodded understandingly. He was silent for about five minutes, and then he said, "Beats a ham sandwich, doesn't it?"
An eight-year-old kid swaggered into the lounge and demanded of the barmaid, "Give me a double Scotch on the rocks." "What do you want to do, get me in trouble?" the barmaid asked. "Maybe later," the kid said. "Right now, I just want the Scotch."
If people concentrated on the really important things in life, there'd be a shortage of fishing poles.
ARRIVAL IN FRANCE
An elderly gentleman of 83 arrived in Paris by plane. At the French customs desk, the man took a few minutes to locate his passport in his carry-on bag. "You have been to France before, monsieur?" the customs officer asked, sarcastically. Whiting admitted he had been to France previously. "Then you should know enough to have your passport ready." The American said, "The last time I was here, I didn't have to show it." "Impossible. Americans always have to show your passports on arrival in France!" The American senior gave the Frenchman a long hard look. Then he quietly explained. "Well, when I came ashore at Omaha Beach on D-Day in 1944 to help liberate this country, I couldn't find any Frenchmen to show it to."
A mother took her daughter to the doctor and asked him to give her an examination to determine the cause of her daughters swollen abdomen. It only took the doctor about two seconds to say, "Give me a break, ma'am! Your daughter is pregnant." The mother turned red with fury and she argued with the doctor that her daughter was a good girl and would never compromise her reputation by having sex with a boy. The doctor faced the window and silently watched the horizon. The mother became enraged an screamed, "Quit looking out the window! Aren't you paying attention to me?" "Yes, of course I am paying attention, ma'am. It's just that the last time this happened, a star appeared in the east, and three wise men came. I was hoping they would show up again and help me figure out who got your daughter pregnant."
Q: What do you give a man who's got everything?
Two older men, one 80 and one 87, were sitting on their usual park bench one morning. The 87-year-old had just finished his morning jog and wasn't even short of breath. The 80-year-old was amazed at his friend's stamina and asked him what he did to have so much energy. The 87-year-old said, "Well, I eat Italian bread every day. It keeps your energy level high, and you'll have great stamina with the ladies." So, on the way home, the 80-year-old stops at the bakery. As he was looking around, the lady asked if he needed any help. He said, "Do you have any Italian bread?" She said, "Yes, there's a whole shelf of it, would you like some?" He said, "I want five loaves." She said, "My goodness, five loaves, it'll get hard." He replied, "Does everybody in the world know about this Italian bread but me?"
MEN AND BONDS
Q: What's the difference between men and government bonds?
A. Bonds mature.
SANTA'S BAD DAY
One particular Christmas season a long time ago, Santa was getting ready for his annual trip, but there were problems. Four of his elves got sick, and the trainee elves did not produce the toys as fast as the regular ones so Santa was beginning to feel the pressure of being behind schedule. When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two had jumped the fence. Then when he began to load the sleigh one of the boards cracked and the toy bag fell to the ground and scattered the toys. So, frustrated, Santa went into the house for a cup of coffee and a shot of whiskey. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered that the elves had hid the liquor and there was nothing to drink. In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the coffee pot and it broke into hundreds of little pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found that mice had eaten the straw it was made from. Just then the doorbell rang and Santa cussed on his way to the door. He opened the door and there was a little angel with a great big Christmas tree. The angel said, very cheerfully, "Merry Christmas Santa. Isn't it just a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for youwhere would you like me to put it?" Thus began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.
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