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There was a blonde sitting next to a man on an airplane. About an hour into the flight, the pilot comes on and says over the intercom, "One of our four engines is out, we will be about 15 minutes late arriving." About 30 minutes later, the pilot comes on the intercom again and says, "There is a second engine out, we will be about 30 minutes late." Fifteen minutes after that the pilot comes on again, and says, "I'm sorry to say that we've lost our third engine, and it looks like we'll be about an hour late arriving at our destination." The blonde turns to the man next to her and says, "Man, if that last engine goes out, we'll be up here all day."
Q: What's the major difference between wives and husbands who are trying to have children?
A: Wives want to videotape the birth of their child. Husbands want to videotape the conception.
A blonde walks into a library, looks around, then gets in line for the counter. Once she gets to the head of the line, she loudly says, "I'd like a Big Mac, large fries, and a large Coke." The librarian looks at her for a moment, then whispers to the blonde, "Ma'am, this is the library." The blonde nods, then whispers, "I'd like a Big Mac, large fries, and a large Coke."
John was on his deathbed and gasped pitifully, "Give me one last request, my dear." "Of course, John, " his wife said softly. "Six months after I die," he said, "I want you to marry Bob." "But I thought you hated Bob," she said. With his last breath John said, "I do!"
A young girl was going on a date, so she sought out the advice of her grandmother. Her grandmother said, "Sit here and let me tell you about boys. Your date is going to try and kiss you, and you're going to like that, but don't let him do that. He is going to try and feel your breast, and you're going to like that, too, but don't let him do that. Most importantly, he is going to try and get on top of you to have his way with you. You are going to like that, too, but don't let him do that! It will disgrace the family!" With that bit of advice, the granddaughter went on her date. The next day, she told grandma that her date went just as she'd predicted. She said, "Grandma, I didn't let him disgrace the family. When he tried to have his way with me, I just turned over, got on top of him, and disgraced his family!"
OLD WOMAN, YOUNG WOMAN
Q: What does an old woman have between her breasts that a young woman doesn't?
A: A navel.
A recent survey was conducted to discover why men get out of bed in the middle of the night: Five percent said it was to get a glass of water. Twelve percent said it was to go to the bathroom. Eighty-three percent said it was to go home.
Q: What's the Cuban national anthem?
A: Row, row, row your boat.
There was a little boy whose mother was about to have a baby. One day, the little boy walked in and saw his mother naked. He asked his mother what the hair between her legs was. She responded, "It's my washcloth." Weeks later, after the mother had her baby, the young boy walked in on his mother again. While she was in the hospital, the doctor had shaved her pubic hair. The boy asked, "What happened to your washcloth?" The mother responded, "I lost it." The little boy, trying to be helpful, set out to find his mother's washcloth. A few days later, he ran to his mother yelling and screaming, "I found your washcloth." The mother, thinking that the child was just playing, went along with the boy and asked, "Where did you find it?" The boy answered, "The maid has it! She was washing daddy's face with it."
Q: What do a woman's G spot, a woman's birthday and a urinal have in common?
A: Men seem to miss all three.
A little girl in church asks her mother, "Why is the bride dressed in white?" Her mother says, "White is the color of joy, and today is most joyful day of her life." The little girl thinks for a moment, then asks, "Then, why is the groom wearing black?"
GOOD LOOKING FAT
Q: How do you make five pounds of fat look good?
A: Put a nipple on it.
A young couple married, and celebrated their first night together doing what newlyweds do, time and time again, all night long. In the morning, the groom goes into the bathroom but finds no towel when he gets out of the shower. He asks the bride to please bring one from the bedroom. When she gets to the bathroom door, he opens the door, exposing his body for the first time to his bride where she sees all of him well. Her eyes went up and down and at about midway, they stopped. She asked shyly, "What's that?" pointing to a small part of his anatomy. He, also shy, thought for a minute and said, "Well, that's what we had so much fun with last night." She, in amazement, asked, "Is that all we have left?"
PANTIES AND A CURTAIN
Q: What's the difference between a pair of panties and a stage curtain?
A: When you pull down the curtain, the show is over, but when you
pull down the panties, it's showtime!
This guy goes into a bar and orders a shot of tequila and looks into his shirt pocket and orders five more shots and after each one he looks into his shirt pocket. The bartender asks, "If you tell me why you look into your shirt pocket after each drink I'll buy you 10 shots." The man replies, "In my pocket is my wife's picture. When she starts to look good, I know it's time to leave."
Q: How many honest, intelligent, caring men in the world does it take to do the dishes?
A: Both of them.
The man looked a little worried when the doctor came in to administer his annual physical, so the first thing the doctor did was to ask whether anything was troubling him. "Well, to tell the truth, Doc, yes," answered the patient. "You see, I seem to be getting forgetful. I'm never sure I can remember where I put the car, or whether I answered a letter, or where I'm going, or what it is I'm going to do once I get there if I get there. So, I really need your help. What can I do?" The doctor mused for a moment, then answered in his kindest tone, "Pay me in advance."
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