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What follow are jokes, plain and simple. Jokes keep the wheels of our society spinning. They are perhaps the best examples of how we all take "Sips from the Dribble Glass of Life."
GET MY BROKER
After reading the morning headlines about the recent stock market downturn, a high-powered executive, trying to impress a client in his office, flipped on his intercom switch and barked to his secretary, "Miss Hunter, get my broker!" The client was impressed until he heard the secretary's voice saying, "Yes, sir, stock or pawn?"
Q: What do you call a brunette with a blonde on either side?
A: A translator.
Chris and Frank were having a beer at the neighborhood bar. "What's the matter?" asked Chris of his pal. "My girlfriend just told me that my lovemaking is just like a news bulletin," said Frank. "Why's that?" asked Chris. Frank took a deep breath and said, "Because it's brief, unexpected and usually a disaster."
As a mother was bribing her little boy with a quarter so he would behave, she said, "Why do I always have to pay you to be good? Why can't you be good for nothing like your dad?"
One day, a teacher told her students to come up with a sentence using the math terms add, subtract, divide, multiply. When time was up, she called on Johnny, who said, "This is the process of having sex. First you add the bed, subtract the clothes, divide the legs and hope you don't multiply."
Q: What do you call it when a blonde drives down the street with her head out the window?
A seven-year-old Seattle boy was at the center of a courtroom drama recently when he challenged a court ruling over who should have custody of the child. The boy has had a history of being beaten by his parents, so the judge awarded custody to his aunt. The boy confirmed that his aunt beat him more than his parents, and he refused to live there. When the judge suggested that he live with his grandparents, the boy cried out that they beat him more than anyone. The judge then decided to allow the boy to choose who should have custody of him. Custody was granted to the Seattle Seahawks as the boy firmly believes they are not capable of beating anyone.
Q: What do oral sex and Lobster Thermidor have in common?
A: You can't get either at home.
Steve and Cliff are having this talk. Steve says, "My wife lets me subscribe to National Geographic and Playboy for the same reason." Cliff says, "Why's that?" Steve says, "Because with both magazines, I get to see places I'll never get to visit."
Q: Why is sex with your wife like a 7-11 store?
A: There's not much variety, but what else is open at 3:00 in the morning?
Fred tells his buddy, "Truth be told, I'm bored with my woman, with the same old sex night after night after night. I guess I'm hankering for a bit of variety." His friend Jim replied, "Well, if you want variety, why don't you just, you know, turn her over every now and again?" Fred says, "What? And have a house full of kids?"
Q: Did you hear about the divorced redneck?
A: He wondered if his ex-wife was still his sister.
A store that sells wives opens where a man may go to choose a wife from among many women. The store has six floors, and the women increase in positive attributes as the shopper ascends. There is however, a catch. As you open the door to any floor you may choose a wife from that floor, but if you go up a floor, you cannot go back down, except to exit the buildingno stopping on any lower floors. A man goes to the shopping center to find a wife. On the first floor, the women have jobs. The man reads the sign and says, "Well, that's better than my last girlfriend, but I wonder what's further up?" So, up he goes. On the second floor, the women have jobs, love sports, and drink beer. The man smiles to himself, "That's great, but I wonder what's further up?" The third floor has women who have jobs, love sports, drink beer, and are extremely good-looking. "Hm, better!" he says. "But I wonder what's upstairs?" The fourth floor has women who have jobs, love sports, drink beer, are extremely good-looking and do all the housework. "Wow!" exclaims the man, "Very tempting. But there must be more, much more, further up!" He heads up another flight. On the fifth floor, the women have jobs, love sports, drink beer, are extremely good-looking, do all the housework and don't complain or nag about anything. "Hot damn! How close to perfect can you get?" the man says. "But just think what must be awaiting me on the final floor." So, up to the sixth floor he goes. The sixth floor has a sign that reads: You are visitor 133,956,779,012 to this floor. There are no women on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that men are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping Wife Mart, and have a nice day.
Little Susie was asked what she wanted most for her birthday and she declared, "A baby brother." "Sweetheart, Daddy and I would like to give you a baby brother," said her mom, "But there just isn't time before your birthday." Susie thought for a moment and replied, "Why don't you do like they do down at Daddy's factory when they want something in a hurry? Put more men on the job."
When you're in love, intercourse is called "making love." When it's lust, intercourse is called "screwing." When it's marriage, intercourse is a town in Pennsylvania.
AT THE BIRTH
"Will the father be present during the birth?" asked the obstetrician. "Nah," replied the mother-to-be. "He and my husband don't get along."
A married couple was on holiday in Jamaica. They were touring around the marketplace, looking at the wide assortment of goods, when they passed a small sandal shop. From inside they heard the shopkeeper, with a Jamaican accent say, "Come in. Come into my humble shop!" So, the couple walked in. The shopkeeper said, "I have some special sandals I think you would be interested in. They make you wild at sex." Well, the wife was really interested in buying the sandals upon hearing the claims, but her husband felt he really didn't need them. The husband asked the man, "How could sandals make you into a sex freak?" The Jamaican replied, "Just try dem on, mon." Well, the husband, after some badgering from his wife, finally gave in, and tried them on. As soon as he slipped them onto his feet, he got this wild look in his eyes, something his wife hadn't seen in many years! In the blink of an eye, the husband grabbed the Jamaican, bent him over a table, yanked down his pants, ripped down his own pants, and grabbed a firm hold of he Jamaican's hips. The Jamaican then began screaming, "You got dem on dee wrong feet, mon, you got dem on the dee wrong feet!"
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