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Bob told his friend, "My wife caught a Peeping Tom last night, and she'd have killed him if we hadn't stopped her." "He must have made her very angry, peeking at her, huh?" asked his friend. "No," said Bob. "That's not what made her the maddest." "It's not?" "No," said Bob. "She got mad when he reached in the window and closed the curtains."

Q: What is the best way to tune a bagpipe?
A: With a pitchfork.

"Oh, Mom!" sobbed Mary, "I'm pregnant!" "What? How could you?" screamed the mother, "And just who is the father?" The daughter lifted up her tearful face and wailed, "How should I know? You're the one who would never let me go steady!"

Q: How can you tell if a blonde has been in your refrigerator?
A: By the lipstick on the cucumbers.

A drunk walks into a biker bar, sits down at the bar, and orders a drink. Looking around, he sees three tough-looking bikers sitting at a corner table. He gets up, staggers to the table, looks the biggest, meanest biker in the face, and says, "I went by your grandma's house today and I saw her in the hallway buck-naked. Man, she is one fine looking woman!" The biker looks at him and doesn't say a word. His buddies are confused, because he is one bad biker and always gets into fights at the drop of a hat. The drunk leans on the table again and says, "I got it on with your grandma and she is good, the best I ever had!" The biker's buddies are starting to get upset, but the biker still says nothing. The drunk leans over one more time and says, "I'll tell you something else, boy, your grandma liked it!" At this point, the biker stands up, takes the drunk by the shoulders, looks him square in the eyes and says, "Grandpa, go home, you're drunk!"

Q: How do you know when a woman is about to say something clever?
A: When she starts her sentence with, "A man once told me..."

Some people are funny. They spend money they don't have, to buy things they don't need, to impress people they don't like.

Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says, "Slim, I'm 83-years-old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you' re about my age. How do you feel?" Slim says, "I feel just like a newborn baby." "Really? Like a newborn baby?" "Yep," says Slim. "No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants."

Q: Why are the Japanese so smart?
A: No blondes.

A trucker who's been out on the road for three weeks stops into a brothel outside Las Vegas. He walks straight up to the madam, drops down $500, and says, "I want your ugliest woman and a bologna sandwich!" The madam is astonished. "But sir, for that kind of money, you could have one of my finest ladies and a three-course meal." The trucker replies, "Listen sweetheart, I'm not horny, I'm homesick."

Bosses are like legs. When they get to the top they become asses.

A guy walks into a bar and sits down. After a few minutes, he starts dialing numbers like a telephone, but on the back of his hand. He then flips his hand over, and starts talking into the palm of his hand. The bartender walks over and tells him this is a very tough neighborhood and he doesn't need any trouble from weirdos. The guy says, "You don't understand. I'm very high tech. I had a phone installed in my hand because I was tired of carrying the cellular." The bartender says, "Prove it." The guy dials up a number and hands his hand to the bartender. The bartender talks into the hand and carries on a brief conversation. "That's incredible," he says, "I would never have believed it." "Yeah," said the man, "I can keep in touch with my broker, my wife, you name it. By the way, where is the men's room?" The man goes in and 20 minutes pass and he doesn't return. Fearing the worst, and given the violence in the neighborhood, the bartender goes to check on him. The bartender finds the guy spread eagle against the wall. His pants are pulled down and he has a roll of toilet paper shoved up his rear. "Oh, no!" said the bartender, "Did the locals rob you? Are you hurt?" The man casually turns around and says, "No, I'm just waiting for a fax."

Q: Why do little boys whine?
A: Because they're practicing to be men.

What's the difference between a wife, a nymphomaniac, and a hooker? The nympho says, "You're done already?" The hooker says, "Are you done yet?" And the wife says, "Beige, I think I'll paint the ceiling beige."

Q: Why did the woman cross the road?
A: Why do women do ANYTHING?

A mother mouse and a baby mouse are walking along, when all of a sudden, a cat attacks them. The mother mouse goes, "Bark!" and the cat runs away. "See?" says the mother mouse to her baby. "Now do you see why it's important to learn a foreign language?"

Q: What's the difference between people who pray in church and those who pray in casinos?
A: The ones in the casinos are serious.

Q: What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
A: After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.

There was a fellow talking to his buddy one day. The guy said, "I don't know what to get my wife for her birthday. She has everything, and besides, she can afford to buy anything she wants, so I'm stumped." His buddy said, "I have an idea. Why don't you make up a certificate that says she can have two hours of great sex, any way she wants it? She'll probably be thrilled!" So, the first fellow did just that. The next day his buddy asked, "Well, did you take my suggestion? How did it turn out?" "She loved it," says his friend. "She jumped up, thanked me, kissed me on the mouth, and ran out the door yelling, 'I'll see you in two hours!'"

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