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CONFESSION
A nun feels guilty and goes to confession. She tells the priest that she has a terrible secret. She says, "Father, I never wear panties under my habit." The priest says, "That's not so serious, Sister. Just say five Hail Marys, five Our Fathers, and do five cartwheels."

DIVORCE
Q: Why is divorce so expensive?
A: Because it's worth it.

SICK
A guy works a new job on Thursday and Friday. On Monday, he calls in and says, "I can't come in today. I'm sick." He works the rest of the week, but the following Monday he calls in and says, "I can't come in today. I'm sick." The boss asks the foreman about him, and the foreman says, "He's great. He does the work of two men. We need him." So, the boss calls the guy into his office, and says, "You seem to have a problem getting to work on Mondays. You're a good worker and I'd hate to fire you. What's the problem? Anything we can help you with? Drugs? Alcohol?" The guy says, "No, I don't drink or do drugs. But my brother-in-law drinks every weekend, and then beats on my sister. So, every Monday morning, I go over to make sure she's all right. She puts her head on my shoulder and cries, one thing leads to another, and the next thing you know, I'm having sex with her." The boss says, "You have sex with your sister?" The guy says, "Hey, I told you I was sick."

SO SMALL
Q: Why are Michael Jackson's pants so small?
A: Because they aren't his.

BACHELOR
Hear about the new household cleaner that just came on the market? It's called "Bachelor." Why? Because it works fast, and leaves no ring.

WIFE
A lonely guy placed an ad in the classifieds, it read: "Wife Wanted." The next day, he received more than a hundred letters. They all said the same thing. "You can have mine."

SACRIFICE
Eleven people were hanging on a rope under a helicopter, 10 men and one woman. The rope was not strong enough to carry them all, so they decided that one had to leave, because otherwise they were all going to fall. They weren't able to decide which person would make the ultimate sacrifice until the woman gave a very touching speech. She said that she would voluntarily let go of the rope because, as a woman, she was used to giving up everything for her husband and kids, or for men in general, and was used to always making sacrifices with little in return. As soon as she finished her speech, all the men started clapping their hands.

ONE DAY
Editors of a magazine asked 50 women what they would do if they had a male sex organ for one day. Most of them said, "Probably get a salary increase."

CHAPPED LIPS
A cowboy rides into town and stops at the saloon, gets off his horse walks around to the back of it, lifts up the tail and kisses it right on the rear. The bartender inside the saloon notices this interaction, and thinks it's a little strange. When the cowboy saunters up to the bar and orders a drink, the bartender asks, "I noticed when you got off your horse you walked behind it and kissed it on the ass. Can I ask why?" The cowboy answers, "Chapped lips." "Wow!" says the bartender. "It cures chapped lips?" "No," says the cowboy, "But it sure as hell keeps you from licking them."

CANNIBAL
Q: Did you hear about the cannibal who was expelled from school?
A: He was buttering up his teacher.

HOW MANY
Q: How many men does it take to open a beer?
A: None. It should be opened by the time she brings it.

FERTILE
A chicken farmer goes into a local tavern, takes a seat at the bar next to a woman, and orders a glass of champagne. The woman perks up and says, "How about that? I just ordered a glass of champagne, too!" He turns to her and says, "What a coincidence. This is a special day for me, I'm celebrating." "This is a special day for me, too, and I'm also celebrating," says the woman. "What a coincidence," says the man. They clink glasses and he asks, "What are you celebrating?" "My husband and I have been trying to have a child. Today, my gynecologist told me I'm pregnant!" "What a coincidence," says the man. "I'm a chicken farmer. For years all my hens were infertile, but today they're finally fertile." "That's great," says the woman. "How did your chickens become fertile?" "I switched cocks," he replies. "What a coincidence," she said.

SIX MONTHS
"I'm getting a divorce," said Jack to his friend, Bill. "The wife hasn't spoken with me for six months." Bill thought for a moment and then replied, "Just make sure you know what you're doing, Jack. Wives like that are hard to find."

COMMERCIALS
Q: How are men like commercials?
A: You can't believe a word either one says, and they both last about 60 seconds.

THREE KICK RULE
A big city lawyer went duck hunting in rural Texas. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence. As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing. The lawyer responded, "I shot a duck and it fell in this field, and now I'm going to retrieve it." The old farmer replied, "This is my property, and you're not coming over here." The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial attorneys in the country, and if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything you own." The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we settle disputes in Texas. We settle small disagreements like this with the Three Kick Rule." The lawyer asked, "What's the Three Kick Rule?" The farmer replied, "Well, because the dispute occurs on my land, first I kick you three times and then you kick me three times, and so on, back and forth, until someone gives up." The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom. The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the attorney. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy steel toed work boot into the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees. His second kick to the midriff knocked out three of the lawyer's teeth. The lawyer was on all fours when the farmer's third kick to his rear sent him face-first into a fresh cow pie. The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to get to his feet. Wiping his face with the arm of his jacket, he said, "Okay, Now it's my turn." The old farmer smiled and said, "Naw, I give up. You can have the duck."

PHONE TAG
Q: How many blondes does it take to play tag?
A: One.

ANNIVERSARY
Two older gentlemen were talking and one said to the other, "You're having an anniversary soon, right?" The other replied, "Yup, a big one, 20 years." "Wow," said the other, "What are you going to get your wife for your anniversary?" The other replied, "We're going on a trip to Australia." "Wow, Australia, that's some gift!" said the other man. "That's going to be hard to beat. What are you going to do for your 25th anniversary?" "Go back and get her."

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