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Fifteen days ago, I read that smoking can kill you, so the next day I stopped smoking. Twelve days ago, I read that too much red meat can kill you, so the next day I stopped eating red meat. Eight days ago, I read that drinking can kill you, so the next day I stopped drinking. Three days ago, I heard that cell phone can kill you, so I stopped using my cell phone. Yesterday, I read that having sex can kill you, so this morning I stopped reading.

Q: What's the difference between Michael Jackson and Casper?
A: One is pale and scares kids, and the other is a friendly ghost.

A guy was walking down the street when he sees a woman with perfect breasts. He says to her, "Hey, miss, would you let me bite your breasts for $100?" "Are you nuts?" she replies, and starts to walk away. He says, "You wouldn't let me do it for even $1,000?" "Listen, sir, I'm not that kind of woman. Got it?" He says, "How about $10,000?" The woman thinks about this for awhile and says, "You'll pay me $10,000 to bite my breasts?" He nods. She reluctantly says, "Let's go to that dark alley over there." They go to the alley and she takes off her blouse. The guy begins caressing her breasts, kissing them, and fondling them. Finally, the woman gets all annoyed and says, "Are you going to bite them, or what?" "Nah," he replies. "Too expensive!"

A guy is hiking up a mountain when he sees a girl standing at the edge of a cliff, crying. "Hey," he says, "if you're going to jump, how about giving me oral before you do it?" "My life's been nothing but crap," says the girl. "So I might as well." After the girl's done, the guy says, "Wow, that was great. Why are you so depressed, anyway?" The girl replies, "My family disowned me for dressing like a woman."

Q: What's the difference between in-laws and outlaws?
A: Outlaws are wanted.

An army officer asks to borrow a dollar from a soldier. "Sure, buddy," says the soldier. "That's no way to address a superior!" screams the officer. "Now let's try that again. May I borrow a dollar, private?" "Sir, no, sir."

A man comes home to find his wife with all her bags packed hopping into a taxi. "Where are you going?" he asks. "I'm leaving you because you're a pedophile!" she screams. "Well," he says, "that's an awfully big word for a nine-year-old."

"Will I be the first to do this to you?" whispered the man after his bride-to-be finally consented to sex. "What a silly question," giggled the girl, "I don't even know what position you want to use yet."

1. Your wife's hairdo was once ruined by a ceiling fan.
2. You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws.
3. You can't get married to your sweetheart because there's a law against it.
4. You think loading a dishwasher means getting your wife drunk.
5. Your toilet paper has page numbers on it.
6. Somebody hollers "Hoe Down" and your girlfriend hits the floor.
7. If a tornado hits your home and causes $10,000 dollars worth of improvement.
8. Anyone in your family ever died right after saying, "Hey y'all, watch this."
9. You think Dom Perignon is a Mafia boss.
10. You think a woman who is "out of your league" bowls on a different night.

A man staggers into an emergency room with a concussion, multiple bruises, two black eyes and a five-iron wrapped tightly around his throat. Naturally, the doctor asks him what happened. "Well, it was like this," said the man. "I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife, when at a difficult hole we both sliced our balls into a pasture of cows. We went to look for them, and while I was looking around, I noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end. I walked over and lifted up the tail, and sure enough, there was a golf ball with my wife's monogram on it, stuck right in the middle of the cow's butt. And that's when I made my big mistake." "What did you do?" asks the doctor. "Well, I lifted the cow's tail and yelled to my wife, 'Hey, this looks like yours!'"

A man was sitting on a beach and he had no arms and no legs. Three women walking past felt sorry for the poor man. The first woman said, "Have you ever had a hug?" The guy said, "No." So, she gave him a hug and walked away. Then the second woman said, "Have you ever had a kiss?" The guy said, "No." So, she gave him a kiss and walked away. Then the third woman came up to him and seductively whispered, "Have you ever been screwed?" The thrilled guy says, "No!" So, the woman said, "You will be when the tide comes in!"

A guy says to his buddy, "Do you talk to your wife after sex?" The first guy says, "Yes, if I can find a phone."

A hunter walking through the jungle found a huge, dead rhino with a pigmy standing beside it. Amazed, he asked, "Did you kill that?" The pigmy said, "Yes." The hunter asked, "How could a little guy like you kill a huge beast like that?" The pigmy said, "I killed it with my club." The astonished hunter asked, "How big is your club?" The pigmy replied, "There's about 60 of us."

Q: If tennis players get tennis elbow, and squash players get squash knees, what do gynecologists get?
A: Tunnel vision.

A young guy goes to a big "everything under one roof" department store looking for a job. The manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?" The kid says, "Yeah, I was a salesman back in my hometown." The boss liked the kid and said, "You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did." After the store was locked up, the boss came down. "How many sales did you make today?" The kid said, "One." "Just one? Our sales people average 20 to 30 sales a day! How much was the sale for?" The kid says, "$101,237.65." "$101,237.65? What the heck did you sell?" "First, I sold him a small fishhook. Then I sold him a medium fishhook. Then I sold him a larger fishhook. Then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast, so I told him he was going to need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him a twin engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4x4 Expedition." The boss said, "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and a truck?" "Well, no," said the young guy. "The guy came in here to buy Tampons for his wife, and I said, well, your weekend's shot, you might as well go fishing."

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