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MUST BE A DENTIST
A guy and a girl met at a bar. They got along so well that they decided to go to the girl's place. A few drinks later, the guy took off his shirt and then washed his hands. He then took off his trousers, and washed his hands again. The girl had been watching him and said, "You must be a dentist." The guy, surprised, said, "Yes, how did you figure that out?" "Easy," she replied, "you keep washing your hands." One thing led to another, and they made love. Afterward, the girl said, "You must be a good dentist." The guy, now with a boosted ego, said, "Sure, I'm a good dentist, how did you figure that out?" "Didn't feel a thing!"
RUG, EGG AND A...
Q: What's the difference between a rug, an egg and oral sex?
A: You can beat a rug and you can beat an egg.
On a golf tour in Ireland, Tiger Woods drives his BMW into a gas station in a remote part of the Irish countryside. The gas station attendant obviously knows nothing about golf, greeting the golf star in a typical Irish manner, completely unaware of his identity. "Top of the mornin' to you, sir," says the attendant. Tiger nods a quick "hello," and bends forward to pick up the nozzle. As he does so, two tees fall out of his shirt pocket onto the ground. "What are those?" asks the attendant. "They're called tees," replies Tiger. "Well, what on the good earth are they for?" inquires the Irishman. "They're for resting my balls on when I'm driving," says Tiger. "Jaysus, sweet Mary and Joseph," says the Irishman, "BMW tinks of everything!"
Q: How can you tell if a lawyer is well hung?
A: He stops breathing.
Maria had just gotten married and, being a traditional Italian, she was still a virgin. On her wedding night, staying at her mother's house, she was very nervous. Her mother reassured her, "Don't worry, Maria, Tony's a good man. Go upstairs and he'll take care of you. Meanwhile, I'll be making pasta." So, up she went. When she got upstairs, Tony took off his shirt and exposed his hairy chest. Maria ran downstairs to her mother and says, "Mama, Tony's got a big hairy chest." "Don't worry, Maria," says the mother, "all good men have hairy chests. Go upstairs. He'll take good care of you." So, up she went, again. When she got up in the bedroom, Tony took off his pants, exposing his hairy legs. Again, Maria ran downstairs to her mother. "Mama, Tony took off his pants and he's got hairy legs!" "Don't worry, all good men have hairy legs. Tony's a good man. Go upstairs and he'll take good care of you." So, up she went. When she got there, Tony took off his socks and on his left foot, he was missing three toes. When Maria saw this, she ran downstairs. "Mama, Tony's got a foot and a half!" "Stay here," says Mama, "and stir the pasta."
Q: What does it mean when a redneck's baby drools out of both sides of its mouth?
A: The trailer is level.
Bill walks into a pharmacy and asks for a bottle of Viagra. The pharmacist says, "Do you have a prescription?" Bill says, "No, but here's a picture of my wife."
TALK IT OVER
One day, after a man had his annual physical, the doctor came out and said, "You had a great check-up. Is there anything that you'd like to talk about or ask me?" "Well," he said, "I was thinking about getting a vasectomy." "That's a pretty big decision. Have you talked it over with your family?" "Yeah," said the man, "They're in favor of it, 15-to-2."
Murphy showed up at mass one Sunday and the priest almost fell down when he saw him. Murphy had never been seen in church in his life. After mass, the priest caught Murphy and said, "Murphy, I am so glad you decided to come to mass, what made you come?" Murphy said, "I've got to be honest with you, Father. Awhile back, I misplaced me hat and I really, really love that hat. I know that McGlynn had a hat just like me hat, and I knew that McGlynn came to church every Sunday. I also knew that McGlynn had to take off his hat during mass and I figured he would leave it in the back of church. So, I was going to leave after Communion and steal McGlynn's hat." The priest said, "Well, Murphy, I notice that you didn't steal McGlynn's hat. What changed your mind?" Murphy said, "Well, after I heard your sermon on the 10 commandments, I decided that I didn't need to steal McGlynn's hat." The priest gave Murphy a big smile and said, "After I talked about 'thou shalt not steal,' you decided you would rather do without your hat than burn in Hell, right?" Murphy shook his head and said, "No, Father, after you talked about 'thou shalt not commit adultery,' I remembered where I left me hat."
Q: Why does Michael Jackson love Halloween?
A: Free delivery.
A man goes into an adult entertainment store and asks the salesperson for an inflatable doll. "Would you like a male or female?" the salesperson asks. "Female, please," says the customer. "Would you like black or white?" "White, please," answers the customer. "Would you like Christian or Muslim?" This question confuses the customer. He replies, "What has religion got to do with it? It's an inflatable doll." "Well," explains the salesperson, "The Muslim doll blows itself up."
Q: How do you know when you're really ugly?
A: Dogs hump your leg with their eyes closed.
A group of guys is out drinking one night when Skip gets up from the bar and heads for the bathroom. A few minutes later, a loud, blood-curdling scream is heard from the bathroom. A few minutes after that, another loud scream reverberates through the bar. The bartender goes into the bathroom to find out why Skip is screaming. "What's all the screaming about in there? You're scaring the customers!" Skip says, "I'm just sitting here on the toilet and every time I try to flush, something comes up and squeezes the hell out of my testicles." With that, the bartender opens the door, looks in and says, "You idiot! You're sitting on the mop bucket!"
FACTS OF LIFE
The teenaged girl was developing rapidly, so her mother thought it was about time she explained the facts of life. "Ann," she began, "I think it would be nice if we had a little chat about how life is formed. How, a baby grows in a woman's tummy, and..." The teen interrupted, "It might be interesting to hear you tell it, Mom, but what I really need some pointers on is how to fake an orgasm."
Q: How many Frenchmen does it take to defend Paris?
A: Nobody knows. They've never tried.
A lady with a prize-winning schnauzer feared that the dog was going deaf. It wouldn't come when called, and wouldn't obey any other voice commands. So, she took her dog to the vet. The vet examined the dog thoroughly and announced there was nothing wrong except the dog had excessive hair growing in its ears and that was the cause of the diminished hearing. "He can't hear you, but he is not deaf. You must treat him with a depilatory. I don't have any on-hand, but just get some Nair at your local pharmacy. This will work just as well as the prescription brand." So, the woman went to the nearest pharmacy, located a small bottle of Nair, and looked over the instructions, but there was nothing pertinent to using the product for a dog. She took it to the pharmacist and asked his advice. "How do I apply this product?" she inquired. "Do I put it on right out of the bottle, or do I dilute it?" The man replied, "For your legs, put it on straight, right out of the bottle. For your underarms, I recommend you dilute it 50-50 with water." She blushed, "I don't think you understand, it's for my schnauzer." "Oh, yes," replied the pharmacist, peering at her over his spectacles. "In that case, I suggest you dilute it three-to-one with water. Oh, and by the way, I wouldn't ride a bicycle for a few days."
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