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A guy goes to his doctor because he's been having problems remembering things. After a battery of tests the doctor says, "Unfortunately, I have bad news, and I have very bad news." "What's the very bad news?" the man asks, warily. "Well," says the doctor, "our tests show that you have cancer and only have three weeks to live." "Oh, my god!" says the man. "Well, what's the bad news?" "Our tests indicate that you also have Alzheimer's disease," says the doctor. "Well, I can always look on the bright side," says the man. "At least I don't have cancer."
Q: Why do all Afghans carry a piece of sandpaper?
A: Because they need a map.
Two dogs were walking down the street. One dog says to the other, "Wait here a minute, I'll be right back." He walks across the street and sniffs this fire hydrant for a minute, then walks back across the street. The other dog says, "What was that about?" The dog first dog says, "I was just checking my messages."
Viagra is now available in liquid form. Representatives of the company that produces Viagra announced that the new, easy-to-take version of the popular drug will be sold under the name Mydixadrill.
Three weeks after her wedding day, Joanna called her minister. "Reverend," she wailed, "John and I had a terrible fight!" "Calm down, my child," said the minister, "It's not half as bad as you think. Every marriage has to have its first fight!" "I know, I know!" said Joanna. "But what am I going to do with the body?"
A young couple, just married, were in their honeymoon suite on their wedding night. As they were undressing for bed, the husband who was a big burly man tossed his pants to his bride and said, "Here, put these on." She put them on and the waist was twice the size of her body. "I can't wear your pants, "she said. "That's right," said the husband, and don't you ever forget it. I'm the man who wears the pants in this family." With that, she flipped him her panties and said' "Try these on." He tried them on and found he could only get them on as far as his kneecaps. "Hell," he said. "I can't get into your panties!" She replied, "That's right, and that's the way it's going to be until your attitude changes!"
Two little old ladies were attending a rather long church service. One leaned over and whispered, "My butt is going to sleep." "I know," replied her companion, "I heard it snore three times."
Anatomy experts agree. The problem is that nature gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time.
For decades, two heroic statues, one male and one female, faced each other in a city park, until one day an angel came down from heaven. "You've been such exemplary statues," he announced to them, "I'm going to give you a special gift. I'm going to bring you both to life for 30 minutes, during which you can do anything you want." And with a clap of his hands, the angel brought the statues to life. They approached each other a bit shyly, but soon dashed for the bushes. Soon, there was lots of deal of giggling, laughter, and shaking of branches. Fifteen minutes later, the two statues emerged from the bushes, wide grins on their faces. "You still have 15 more minutes," said the angel, winking at them. Grinning even wider, the female statue turned to the male statue and said, "Great! Only this time you hold the pigeon down, and I'll go on its head."
Bobby is taking the driver's test. Jim from the DMV asks, "What does a yellow light mean? Bobby replies, "Slow down." Jim says, "Okay. What...does...a...yellow...light...mean?"
A woman goes into a tattoo parlor and asks the artist to tattoo a picture of Russell Crowe on her right upper thigh and a picture of Brad Pitt on her left upper thigh. The artist does so, and when he finishes, he hands her a mirror so she can inspect the work. She looks at the left thigh and says, "Wow, that's definitely Brad Pitt." Then she looks at the right thigh and complains, "That doesn't look like Russell Crowe." The artist disagrees and says they need to find an impartial judge. They go to the bar next door and ask the first guy they meet to identify the tattoos. She raises her skirt and drops her panties, and he gets his face up close and says, "Well, the one on your left thigh is definitely Brad Pitt. The one on your right I'm not sure about. But the one in the middle is definitely Willie Nelson."
A turtle is mugged by three snails. When asked by police to give a description of what happened, he replies, "I don't know, it all happened so fast!"
A guy bought a new fridge for his house. To get rid of his old fridge, he put it in his front yard and hung a sign on it saying, "Free to good homeyou want it you take it." For three days, the fridge sat there without even one person looking twice at it. He eventually decided that people were rather skeptical about such a good deal, so he changed the sign to read, "Fridge for sale, $50." The next day, someone stole it.
A young man comes up to the border on his bicycle. He has two large bags over his shoulders. The border guard stops him and says, "What's in the bags?" "Sand," answers the young man. The guard is a bit skeptical and asks the young man to turn over the bags for inspection. The guard empties the bags, but finds nothing in them but sand. He detains the young man overnight and has the sand analyzed, only to discover that there is nothing but pure sand in the bags. The young man is released and promptly rides across the border with his sandbags. A week later, the same young man presents himself at the border. The guard asks, "What have you got?" "Sand," says the young man. The guard does his thorough examination and discovers that the bags contain nothing but sand. He gives the sand back to the young man who then rides across the border on his bicycle with the sandbags. This sequence of events is repeated every week for three years. Finally, the young man no longer appears at the border crossing. Many months go by and the border guard sees the young man in a cafe. "Hey," says the guard, "For three years you were smuggling something through my crossing station. It's driving me crazy. Just between you and me, what were you smuggling?" The young man sips his coffee and says, "Bicycles."
Q: What do you call the sweat produced when two rednecks are having sex?
A: Relative humidity.
SOUNDS OF SILENCE
Two deaf men were talking on their coffee break, about being out late the night before. The first man signed," My wife was asleep when I got home, so I was able to sneak into bed, and not get into trouble." The second deaf man signed back, "You're lucky. My wife was wide awake, waiting for me in bed, and she started swearing at me and giving me hell for being out so late." The first deaf man asked, " So what did you do?" "I turned out the light," the second man signed.
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