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A blonde walks into a pawnshop. She looks around for a while, then approaches the clerk. "I would like to buy that TV over there," she says. The clerk says, "I am sorry, lady, but we don't serve blondes here." The blonde leaves in a huff. The next day, she returns wearing a brunette wig. "I would like to purchase that TV over there." Again the clerk says, "Lady, I told you yesterday, we do not serve blondes." Now the blonde is furious. The next day, she dresses like a man. She approaches the clerk and says in a deep voice, "I would like to purchase that TV over there." The clerk says, "Lady, I told you twice already. We do not sell to blondes!" She says to the clerk, "How can you tell? Yesterday, I wore a wig and today I am dressed like a man. How can you tell it is me?" He laughs and replies, "Because that's a microwave."
Q: How many perverts does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: Just one, but it takes a surgical team to get it out.
A man walks into a drugstore and asks the pharmacist for a pack of condoms. Paying for them, he bursts into laughter and walks out of the store. The next day, the guy comes in again, buys condoms, and again walks out laughing. Thinking this is somewhat strange, the pharmacist asks his assistant to follow the man if he comes back. Sure enough, the man comes in the next day and walks out laughing. This time the assistant goes after him, returning 20 minutes later. "So did you follow him?" asks the pharmacist. "Sure did," replies the assistant. "Where did he go?" asks the curious pharmacist. "Your house."
Q: Why do walruses go to Tupperware parties?
A: To find a tight seal.
A woman's husband comes home hammered every night and she always yells at him before going to bed alone. One day she decides to try some reverse psychology. When her husband staggers in that night, she's waiting for him in her best lingerie. She sits him in an armchair and gives him a backrub. "It's getting late, big boy," she says after a few minutes. "Why don't we go upstairs to bed?" "We might as well," slurs the husband. "I'm going to be in trouble when I get home, anyway."
After being with her all evening, the man couldn't stand another minute with his blind date. Earlier, he had secretly arranged to have a friend call him to the phone so he would have an excuse to leave if something like this happened. When he returned to the table, he lowered his eyes, put on a grim expression and said, "I have some bad news. My grandfather just died." "Thank heavens," his date replied. "If yours hadn't, mine would have had to."
UNDER THE BED
Bob went to a psychiatrist. "Doc," he said, "I've got trouble. Every time I get into bed, I think there's somebody under it. I'm going crazy." "Just put yourself in my hands for one year," said the shrink. "Come to me three times a week, and I'll cure your fears." "How much do you charge?" "A hundred dollars per visit." "I'll sleep on it," said Bob. Six months later, the doctor met Bob on the street. "Why didn't you ever come to see me again?" asked the psychiatrist. "For a hundred bucks a visit? A bartender cured me for $10." "Is that so? How?" "He told me to cut the legs off the bed!"
A couple had been debating buying a new vehicle for weeks. He wanted a truck. She wanted a fast little sports car. The couple fought endlessly about the issue. Everything she liked was out of their price range. "Look," she said. "I want something that goes from zero to 200 in just a few seconds. Nothing else will do. My birthday is coming up, so surprise me!" He did just that. For her birthday, he bought her a brand new bathroom scale.
Steve and Cliff are having this talk. Steve says, "My wife lets me subscribe to National Geographic and Playboy for the same reason." Cliff says, "Why?" Steve says, "Because with both magazines, I get to see places I'll never get to visit."
One day, a mechanic was working late under a car and some brake fluid dripped into his mouth. The next day, he told his buddy about tasting the brake fluid. "Not bad," he said. "Think I'll have a little more today." His friend got a little concerned, but didn't say anything. The next day, he told his friend about drinking a cup full of the brake fluid. "Great stuff! I think I'll have some more today," he said. A few days later, he was up to a bottle a day. His friend was really worried. "You know that brake fluid is poison and really bad for you. You better stop drinking that," his friend pleaded. "Hey, no problem," said the mechanic, "I can stop any time."
A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license. She replied in a huff, "I wish you guys could get your act together. Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you."
CAT AND MOUSE
A mother mouse and a baby mouse are walking along, when suddenly a cat attacks them. The mother mouse goes, "Bark!" and the cat runs away. "See?" says the mother mouse to her baby. "Now do you see why it's important to learn a foreign language?"
A drunk in a bar orders a beer, drinks half, then pours the rest on his hand. A few minutes later, the guy orders another beer and the bartender gets a little suspicious. Again, the drunk consumes half and then pours the rest on his hand. A short while later, the man orders yet another beer. The bartender finally asks, "Excuse me, sir, but what the hell are you doing?" The drunk, irritated, replies, "Can't you see that my date and I are trying to have a drink?"
A guy walks into a bar with his pet alligator, puts the animal up on the bar, and faces the patrons. "If I open this alligator's mouth and place my genitals inside, leave them there for five minutes, then remove my unit unscathed, will each of you buy me a drink?" The crowd murmurs its approval, so he gets up on the bar, drops his pants, and places his privates in the alligator's open mouth. The alligator then closes its mouth as the crowd gasps. After five minutes, the man grabs a beer bottle and raps the alligator hard on the top of its head. The alligator opens its mouth, and the man removes his genitals, intact, as promised. The crowd cheers, and the first of his free drinks is delivered. "Anyone else have the guts to give it a try?" the man dares the crowd. After a few seconds, a blonde woman timidly speaks up, and says, "I'll do it, but no hitting me on the head with the bottle."
Q: What does a blonde say when she finds out she is pregnant?
A: "Boy, I hope it's mine!"
A farmer had three lovely daughters, all who had dates on Friday night. One by one the local boys came by to pick them up. The first boy arrived and said: "Hi, I'm Eddie, I'm here for Betty, we're going steady, is she ready?" The farmer called Betty and she and Eddie went on their way. The second boy arrived and said: "Hi, I'm Joe, I'm here for Flo, we're going to the show, is she ready to go?" The farmer called Flo and she and Joe went on their way. The third boy arrived in an old beat up pickup, came to the door and said: "Hi, I'm Chuck." The farmer shot him.
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