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A little boy gets up to go to the bathroom in the middle of the night. As he passes his parent's bedroom he peeks in through the keyhole. He watches for a moment, then continues on down the hallway, saying to himself, "Boy, and she gets mad at me for sucking my thumb."

Mother Superior calls all the nuns together and says to them, "I must tell you all something. We have a case of gonorrhea in the convent." "Thank God," says an elderly nun at the back of the room, "I'm so tired of Chardonnay."

A cardiologist died and was given an elaborate funeral. A huge heart covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the service. Following the eulogy, the heart opened, and the casket rolled inside. The heart then closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart forever. At that point, one of the mourners burst into laughter. When all eyes stared at him, he said, "I'm sorry, I was just thinking of my own funeral. I'm a gynecologist." That's when the proctologist fainted.

A man goes to his priest and tells him that his wife is trying to poison him. The priest says, "Now, John, how do you know that?" John says, "Well, I have terrible headaches. My stomach is upset. I have no stamina and my legs are weak. My vision is blurry and I have lost my appetite. A month ago I was in perfect health." The priest asks John if he has gone to the police. "Yes, I have, and they just laughed at me. Would you just talk to her and see if you can pick up on something that would make you think she's upset or mad at me?" The priest says, "Well, John, I'll try and see what I can do, but don't get your hopes up. Come back and see me tomorrow." The next day, John goes to the priest and asks if he found anything suspicious. The priest says, "I talked to your wife for five hours on the phone yesterday, John. Take the poison."

Once upon a time, a guy asked a girl, "Will you marry me?" The girl said, "No." And the guy lived happily ever after and went golfing and fishing a lot. The end.

A nurse walks into a bank, preparing to endorse a check. She reaches into her pocket and pulls out a rectal thermometer and tries to write with it. She looks up at the teller, pauses for a moment, then realizing her mistake, says, "Well that's great, just great. Some jerk's got my pen."

A Frenchman, an Englishman and an Irishman were sentenced to receive 100 lashes. They had the option to make it less painful by putting anything they wanted on their backs. The Frenchman, knowing alcohol eases pain, asked to have French beer poured onto his back. The Englishman did the same with English beer. The Irishman asked to have the Frenchman on his back.

A young Catholic priest was assigned to an inner city parish. He was having a difficult time adjusting to his new surroundings, with particular difficulty in the area of confession. One day, after several hours in the confessional, he pulled one of the nuns aside and asked her about a word that repeatedly came up. The priest asked, "Sister Margaret, what's a hummer?" The nun replied, "A hundred bucks."

Little Tony was sitting in class one day. All of a sudden, he needed to go to the bathroom. He yelled out, "Miss Jones, I need to take a leak." The teacher replied, "Now, Tony, that is not the proper word to use in this situation. The correct word you want to use is urinate. Please use the word urinate in a sentence correctly, and I will allow you to go." Little Tony thinks for a bit, then says, "You're an eight, but if you had bigger boobs, you'd be a ten."

Q: What do you call a guy who gets turned on by Pinocchio dolls?
A: A Gepettophile.

A beautiful woman walked into an orchard and found a lovely pool in it. She decided to go skinny-dipping. She looked around, didn't see anyone, and undressed. Just as she was about to dive in, the orchard owner appeared from behind the bush where he was hiding all along and told her that swimming was prohibited. "You could have told me that before I undressed!" she scolded him. He replied, "Swimming is prohibited, undressing isn't."

A man goes to his doctor for a complete checkup. He hasn't been feeling well and wants to find out if he's ill. After the checkup, the doctor comes out with the results of the examination. "I'm afraid I have some bad news. You're dying and you don't have much time," the doctor says. "Oh, no, that's terrible. How long have I got?" the man asks. "Ten," says the doctor. "Ten? Ten, what? Months? Weeks?" he asks desperately. The doctor says, "Nine."

Two sperm cells are swimming. The first sperm turns to the other and asks, "How long until we make it to the ovaries?" "It'll be a while," the second sperm says. "We just passed the tonsils."

A government employee sits in his office and, out of boredom, decides to see what's in his old filing cabinet. He pokes through the contents and comes across an old brass lamp. "This will look nice on my mantel," he decides, and takes it home. While polishing the lamp, a genie appears and grants him three wishes. "I wish for an ice cold diet Pepsi." He gets his Pepsi and drinks it. Now that he can think more clearly, he states his second wish. "I wish to be on an island where beautiful nymphomaniacs reside." Suddenly, he's on an island with gorgeous females eyeing him lustfully. He tells the genie his third and final wish, "I wish I'd never have to work ever again." Poof! He's back in his office.

Three blondes were applying for the last available position on the Highway Patrol. The detective conducting the interview looked at the three of them and said, "So you'd like to be cops?" The blondes all nodded. The detective got up, opened a file drawer and pulled out a file folder. He opened it up, pulled out a picture, and said, "To be a detective, you have to be able to detect. You must be able to notice things such as distinguishing features in a suspect." He stuck the photo in the face of the first blonde, and withdrew it after about two seconds. "Now," he said, "Did you notice any distinguishing features about the man?" The blonde immediately said, "Yes, I did. He has only one eye!" The detective grabbed the photo, shook his head and said, "Of course he has only one eye in this picture. It's a profile of his face. You're dismissed!" The first blonde hung her head and walked out. The detective then turned to the second blonde, stuck the photo in her face for two seconds, pulled it back and said, "What about you? Notice anything unusual or outstanding about this man?" "Yes," said the second blonde. "He only has one ear." The detective put his head in his hand and exclaimed, "Didn't you hear what I just told the other lady? This is a profile of the man's face. Of course you can only see one ear. You're excused, too!" The second blonde sheepishly walked out of the office. The detective turned his attention to the third and last blonde and said, "This is probably a waste of time, but let's try this again." He held the photo in front of her for a few seconds and withdrew it, saying, "All right. Did you notice anything distinguishing or unusual about this man?" The blonde said, "I did. This man wears contact lenses." The detective frowned, took another look at the picture, and began looking at some of the papers in the folder. He looked up at the blonde with a puzzled expression and said, "You're absolutely right. His bio says he wears contacts. How in the world could you tell that by looking at this picture?" The blonde rolled her eyes and said, "Duh! With only one eye and one ear, he certainly can't wear glasses!"

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