While attending a marriage seminar dealing with communication, Tom and his wife Grace listened to the instructor, "It is essential that husbands and wives know each other's likes and dislikes." He addressed the man, "Can you name your wife's favorite flower?" Tom leaned over, touched his wife's arm gently and whispered, "It's Pillsbury, isn't it?
When it comes to friendship, here's what happens. If a woman doesn't come home to her husband one night, and the next day she tells him she slept over at a friend's house, the man calls his wife's 10 best friends and none of them know anything about it. If a man doesn't come home to his wife one night, and the next day he tells her he slept over at a friend's house, she calls her husband's 10 best friends-eight of them say he did sleep over, and two claim he's still there.
The famous sex therapist was on the radio taking questions when a caller asked, "Doctor, I want to know, why do men always want to marry a virgin? To which the doctor handily responded, "To avoid criticism."
LANCE IN FRANCE
Lance Armstrong's record-setting seventh Tour de France victory, along with his entire Tour de France legacy, may be tarnished by what could turn out to be one of the greatest sports scandals of all time. Armstrong is being quizzed by French police after three banned substances were found in his South France hotel room while on vacation after winning the 2005 Tour de France. The three substances found were toothpaste, deodorant, and soap, which have been banned by French authorities for more than 75 years. Armstrong's girlfriend, American rocker Sheryl Crowe, is quoted as saying, "We use them every day in America, so we naturally thought they'd be O.K. throughout Europe." Along with these three banned substances, French authorities also physically searched Armstrong and found several other interesting items that they had never seen before, including a backbone and testicles.
An old man went to his doctor and said, "Doc, I think I'm getting senile. Several times lately, I have forgotten to zip up." "That's not senility," replied the doctor. "Senility is when you forget to zip down."
Having had one too many, a bar drinker was beginning to display an ugly side. An unescorted female sat down beside him and he whispered to her, "Hey, how about it, babe? You and me?" As she got up to move, he said loudly, "Honey, you sure look like you could use the money, but I only have an extra two dollars." She looked back and replied just as loudly, "What makes you think I charge by the inch?"
A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the mechanic, "It died." After he works on it for a few minutes, it's idling smoothly. She says, "What's the story?" He replies, "Just crap in the carburetor." She says, "How often do I have to do that?"
Dan married one of a pair of identical twins. Less than a year later, he was in court filing for a divorce. "OK," the judge said, "Tell the court why you'd like a divorce." "Well, your honor," Dan started, "Every once in awhile my sister-in-law would come over for a visit, and because she and my wife are so identical-looking, occasionally I'd end up making love to her by mistake." "Surely there must be some difference between the two women," the judge said. "You'd better believe there's a difference, your honor. That's why I want the divorce," he replied.
If it weren't for pickpockets I'd have no sex life at all.
Joan, the town gossip and supervisor of the town's morals, accused George, a local man, of being an alcoholic because she saw his pickup truck parked outside the town's only bar. George stared at her for a moment, and said nothing. Later that evening, he parked his pickup truck in front of her house and left it there all night.
Q: How are lawyers like sperm?
A: One out of a million turns out to be a human being.
Three tipsy Irishmen were in a cemetery, searching for the oldest person buried there. One of the men, Shamus, yells out, "Here's a fella that died when he was 145 years old!" "What was his name?" asks Paddy. Shamus lights a match to see what else is written on the stone marker, and exclaims, "Miles, from Dublin."
A beautiful young woman, about to undergo a minor operation, is lying on a gurney in a hospital corridor awaiting the medical staff. A man in a white coat approaches her, lifts up the sheet, and visually examines her naked body. He walks away and confers with another man in a white coat. The second man then approaches the girl and performs the same examination. When a third man approaches her, she asks impatiently, "These examinations are fine, but when are you going to start the operation?" He shrugs and says, "Your guess is as good as mine, lady. We're just here to paint the halls."
HOW DO YOU KNOW
Q: How do you know if a woman used a vibrator while she was pregnant?
A: The kid stutters.
A union boss at a convention in Las Vegas decides to visit a brothel. He asks the madam, "Is this a union house?" "No, I'm sorry, it isn't," she says. "Well, if I pay $100, what do the girls get?" he asks. "The house gets $80 and the girl gets $20." Offended by such unfair dealings, the man stomps off in search of a more equitable shop. Finally, he reaches a brothel where the madam says, "Why yes, this is a union house." "And if I pay $100, what do the girls get?" he asks. "The girls get $80 and the house gets $20." "That's more like it!" the man says. He looks around the room and points to a gorgeous young redhead. "I'd like her for the night." "I'm sure you would, sir," says the madam, gesturing at a 70-year-old woman in the corner, "But Ethel here has seniority."
A reporter is interviewing a 104-year-old woman. The reporter asks, "What do you think is the best thing about being 104?" The woman replies, "No peer pressure."
HIDE THE SKUNK
A man and his wife are on a holiday and decide to buy themselves some pets. He buys a snake, and the woman gets a skunk. As they pass through airport control, they notice a sign: "No Animals Will Be Allowed Through Quarantine." Upset, the woman turns to her husband and asks what they should do. After pondering the problem, the man comes up with a plan. "What I'll do is tie the snake around my waist and pretend it's a snakeskin belt." "Yes," the woman replies, "but what about the skunk?" "I don't know," the man says, "hide it up your skirt." "But what about the smell?" the woman asks. "Look," says the husband, "if it dies, it dies!"
Two campers are hiking in the woods when one is bitten on the rear end by a rattlesnake. "I'll go into town for a doctor," the other says. He runs 10 miles to a small town and finds the town's only doctor, who is busy delivering a baby. "I can't leave," the doctor says. "But here's what to do. Take a knife, cut a little 'x' where the bite is, suck out the poison and spit it on the ground." The guy ruins back to his friend, who is in agony. "What did the doctor say?" the victim asks. "He says you're gonna die."
300 PERCENT IMPOTENT
A woman goes to her doctor, complaining that her husband is 300% impotent. The doctor says, "I'm not sure I understand what you mean." She says, "Well, the first 100% you can imagine. In addition, he burned his tongue and broke his finger!"
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