Donald Rumsfeld is giving the President his daily briefing. He concludes by saying, "Yesterday, three Brazilian soldiers were killed." "Oh, no!" the President exclaims. "That's terrible!" His staff sits stunned at this display of emotion, nervously watching as the President sits, head in hands. Finally, the President looks up and asks, "How many is a brazillion?"
A theology professor at a rural community college started the class by asking the students, "What is the opposite of joy?" "Sadness," said one student. "And the opposite of depression?" "Elation," said another. "And how about the opposite of woe?" A redneck in the back of the class stood up from his seat and said, "I reckon that would be giddy up, mister."
Sam was driving down the road and was pulled over by a policeman. Walking up to Sam's car, the policeman said, "Your wife fell out the car five miles back." Sam replied, "Thank god for that. I'd thought I'd gone deaf!"
There's a student in medical school who wants to specialize in sexual disorders, so he makes arrangements to visit the sexual disorder clinic. The chief doctor is showing him around, discussing cases and the facility, when the student sees a patient pleasuring himself right there in the hallway. "What condition does he have?" the student asks. "He suffers from Seminal Buildup Disorder," the doctor replies. "If he doesn't obtain sexual release 40 to 50 times a day, he'll pass into a coma." The student takes some notes on that, and they continue down the hall. As they turn the corner, he sees another patient with his pants around his ankles, getting oral gratification from a beautiful nurse. What about him?" the student asks. "What's his story?" "Oh, it's the same condition," the doctor replies. "He just has a better health plan."
A woman golfer suffers a nasty bee sting and leaves the course to go see her doctor about it. "What happened?" asked the doctor. "I got stung between the first and second hole," replied the lady golfer. The doctor replied, "You must have an awfully wide stance!"
A very proper man started going into the neighborhood drug store every week and buying two dozen boxes of condoms. Week after week, he would come in with the same order. One day, the druggist felt he had to say something to the man. "Wow! You must have the stamina of a bull. Talk about getting lucky! How on earth do you use that many condoms a week?" The man looked at him in disgust and said, "I beg your pardon, but I find the whole idea of sex repulsive!" So, the druggist asked, "Then what do you do with all those condoms?" The gentleman answered, "I feed them to my poodle and now she does her business in little plastic bags."
A blonde decides to try horseback riding, even though she has had no prior experience. She mounts the horse, unassisted, and the horse immediately springs into motion. It gallops along at a steady and rhythmic pace, but the blonde begins to slip from the saddle. In terror, she grabs for the horse's mane, but can't get a firm grip. She tries to throw her arms around the horse's neck, but she slides down the side of the horse anyway. The horse gallops along, seemingly impervious to its slipping rider. Finally, giving up her frail grip, the blonde attempts to leap away from the horse and throw herself to safety. Unfortunately, her foot has become entangled in the stirrup, she is now at the mercy of the horse's pounding hooves as her head is struck against the ground over and over. As her head is battered against the ground, she is moments away from unconsciousness when, to her great fortune, Frank, the Wal-Mart greeter, sees her and unplugs the horse.
BROWN OR BLUE
An elderly woman is upset at her husband's funeral. "You have him in a brown suit and I wanted him in a blue suit," she says. The mortician replies, "We'll take care of it, ma'am." He then yells to a maintenance man nearby, "Ed, switch the heads on two and four!"
CATS AND DOGS
A dog thinks, "Hey, these people I live with feed me, love me, provide me with a nice warm, dry house, pet me, and take good care of me. They must be Gods!" A cat thinks, "Hey, these people I live with feed me, love me, provide me with a nice warm, dry house, pet me, and take good care of me. I must be a God!"
A man and his wife were working in their garden one day. The man looked over at his wife and said, "Your butt is getting really big. I bet your butt is bigger than the barbecue grill." With that, he proceeded to get a measuring tape and measured the grill, then went over to where his wife was working and measured his wife's bottom. "Yup, I was right, your butt is two inches wider than the barbecue grill." The woman chose to ignore her husband. Later that night, in bed, the husband was feeling a little frisky. He made some advances toward his wife, who completely brushed him off. "What's wrong?" he asked. She answered, "Do you really think I'm going to fire up this big-ass grill for one little weenie?"
Early one morning, a mother went in to wake up her son. "Wake up, son. It's time to go to school!" "But why, Mom? I don't want to go." "Give me two reasons why you don't want to go." "Well, the kids hate me for one, and the teachers hate me, too!" "Oh, that's no reason not to go to school. Now get ready." "Give me two reasons why I should go to school," her son asked. "Well, for one, you're 52. And for another, you're the principal!"
Q: Why do blondes wash their hair in the kitchen sink?
A: That's where you clean vegetables.
Bill and Lynn had married under rather unfortunate circumstances, and their married life hadn't been anything to brag about either. To everyone's amazement, after living together for 35 years, Bill went to the local judge to ask for an annulment. A date for the hearing was set, and when the time came, the judge demanded to know the grounds on which Bill based his demand for an annulment. "It's like this, your Honor," answered Bill, "I've just learned that Lynn's father never had a license to carry a gun."
John got off the elevator on the 40th floor and nervously knocked on his blind date's door. She opened it, and to his amazement, she was as lovely and sweet as their mutual friend had promised. "I'll be ready in a few minutes," she said. "Why don't you play with Ginger while you're waiting? She does wonderful tricks. She'll roll over, shake hands, sit up and if you make a hoop with your arms, like this, she'll jump through." The dog followed John out onto the balcony and started rolling over. John made a hoop with his arms and sure enough, Ginger jumped right throughand over the balcony railing. Just then John's date walked out. "Isn't little Ginger the cutest, happiest dog you've ever seen?" "To tell the truth," he replied, "she seemed a little depressed to me."
Jack's grandfather left him $10 million, and the next week Diane agreed to marry him. After three months of married life, Jack noticed his beautiful new wife was ignoring him more and more. On the rare occasion she would go to bed with him she would be indifferent, or even worse, call out other men's names. Whenever they went out in public, she ignored him and flirted with other men. Finally, he decided to confront her. "Diane," he said, "the only reason you married me was because my grandfather left me $10 million when he died." "Don't be ridiculous," she replied, "I don't care where your money came from."
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