A Jewish man is walking on the beach when he discovers a bottle containing genie. He rubs it and a genie comes out, promises to grant him one wish. He says, "Peace in the Middle East, that's my wish." The genie looks concerned, then says, "No, I'm sorry, that's just not possible. Some things just can't be changed. Do you have another wish?" The guys says, "Well, for my whole life I've never received oral sex from my wife. That would be my wish." The genie pauses for another moment and then says, "How would you define peace?"
Q: What do you see when the Pillsbury Doughboy bends over?
SYMPTOMS OF AVIAN INFLUENZA
The Center for Disease Control has released a list of symptoms of avian influenza ("bird flu"). If you experience any of the following, please seek medical treatment immediately. 1. High fever. 2. Congestion. 3. Nausea. 4. Fatigue. 5. Aching joints. 6. An irresistible urge to crap on someone's windshield.
A man walks into a doctor's office. He has a cucumber up his nose, a carrot in his left ear and a banana in his right ear. "Doctor, what's the matter with me?" "You're not eating properly."
Two priests decided to go to Hawaii on vacation. They were determined to make this a real vacation by not wearing any thing that would identify them as clergy. As soon as the plane landed, they headed for a store and bought some really outrageous shorts, shirts, sandals and sunglasses. The next morning, they went to the beach dressed in their "tourist" garb. They were sitting on beach chairs, enjoying a cocktail, the sunshine and the scenery when a drop-dead gorgeous, topless blonde in a thong bikini came walking straight toward them. They couldn't help but stare. As the blonde passed them, she smiled and said, "Good morning, Father. Good morning, Father." She nodded to each, and addressed each of them individually, then she passed on by. They were both stunned. The next day, they went back to the store and bought even more outrageous outfits. Once again, in their new attire, they settled on the beach in their chairs to enjoy the sunshine. After awhile, the same topless blonde came walking toward them. Again, she nodded at each of them, and said, "Good morning, Father. Good morning, Father." She started to walk away. One of the priests couldn't stand it any longer and said, "Just a minute, young lady." "Yes, Father?" "How in the world did you know we're priests, dressed as we are?" "Father, it's me, Sister Katherine," she replied.
Q. What does a Rubik's Cube and a penis have in common?
A. The longer you play with them, the harder they get.
In ancient Greece, Socrates was widely lauded for his wisdom. One day, the great philosopher came upon an acquaintance who ran up to him excitedly and said, "Socrates, do you know what I just heard about one of your students?" "Wait a moment," Socrates replied. "Before you tell me I'd like you to pass a little test. It's called the Triple Filter Test." "Triple filter?" "That's right," Socrates continued. "Before you talk to me about my student, let's take a moment to filter what you're going to say. The first filter is Truth. Have you made absolutely sure that what you are about to tell me is true?" "No," the man said, "actually I just heard about it." "All right," said Socrates. "So you don't really know if it's true or not. Now let's try the second filter, the filter of Goodness. Is what you are about to tell me about my student something good?" "No, on the contrary." "So," Socrates continued, "you want to tell me something bad about him, even though you're not certain it's true?" The man shrugged, a little embarrassed. Socrates continued. "You may still pass the test though, because there is a third filter, the filter of Usefulness. Is what you want to tell me about my student going to be useful to me?" "No, not really." "Well," concluded Socrates, "if what you want to tell me is neither true nor good nor even useful, why tell it to me at all?" The man was ashamed. This is the reason Socrates was a great philosopher and held in such high esteem. It also explains why he never found out that Plato was screwing around with his wife.
GOOD AND GREAT
Q: What's the difference between a good lawyer and a great lawyer?
A: A good lawyer knows the law. A great lawyer knows the judge.
On their wedding night, the young bride approached her new husband and asked for 20 dollars for their first lovemaking encounter. In his highly aroused state, her husband readily agreed. This scenario was repeated every time they made love, for the next 30 years, with him thinking it was a cute way for her to afford new clothes and other incidentals she needed. Arriving home around noon one day, she was surprised to find her husband in a very drunken state. Over the next few minutes, he explained that his company had gone through a process of corporate downsizing, and he had been let go. It was unlikely that, at the age of 55, he'd be able to find another position that paid anywhere near what he'd been earning, and therefore, they were financially ruined. Calmly, his wife handed him a bankbook that showed 30 years of deposits and interest totaling nearly $1 million. Then she showed him stock certificates issued by the bank worth more than $2 million, and informed him that they were the largest stockholders in the bank. She explained that for 30 years, she had charged him for sex and these holdings were the results of her savings and investments. Faced with evidence of cash and investments worth over $3 million, her husband was so astounded he could barely speak, but finally he found his voice and blurted out, "If I'd had any idea what you were doing, I would have given you all my business!"
BROWN AND STICKY
Q: What's brown and sticky?
A: A stick.
"It's just too hot to wear clothes today," said Jack as he stepped out of the shower. "Honey," he continued, "what would then neighbors think if I mowed the lawn like this?" His wife thought for a moment, then replied, "That I married you for your money."
Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates. "In honor of this holy season," Saint Peter said, "you must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven." The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. "This represents a candle," he said. "You may pass through the pearly gates," Saint Peter said. The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, "They're bells." Saint Peter said you may pass through the pearly gates. The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties. St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, "And just what do those symbolize?" The man replied, "They're Carol's."
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