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HURT LIKE HELL
The patient is in pain and complains, "Doctor, that rectal exam hurt like hell. What did you do?" "I used two fingers," the doctor replies. The surprised patient asks, "What for?" The doctor says, "I needed a second opinion."

LONG-HAUL DRIVER
Two men are chatting at a roadside diner, and one discovers that the other is a long-haul truck driver. The man says to the truck driver, "I'd love to drive a big rig, but I'd worry about falling asleep at the wheel." "I have a trick to stay awake," says the truck driver. "I just put a $100 bill in my left hand and hold it out the window."

ANNIVERSARY GIFTS
A rich man and a poor man are talking about what they gave their wives for their respective anniversaries. The rich man says, "I got my wife a Mercedes and a three karat diamond ring." The poor man says, "Why did you get her both?" "Because if she doesn't like one she always has the other. What did you get your wife?" The poor man replies, "I got her slippers and a dildo." The rich man says, "Why did you get her a dildo?" The poor man says, "So if she doesn't like the slippers, she can go screw herself."

TAG
Q: How many blondes does it take to play tag?
A: One.

ABSENT
On a Monday morning, a call came in to the school receptionist. "Hello, please mark William absent today," said the man. "Why?" asked the receptionist. "He is sick," said the man. "Ok, may I ask who is speaking?" asked the receptionist. "My uncle," said the voice on the phone.

BURNING
A man goes to his doctor and says, "My penis is burning." The doctor replies, "That means somebody is talking about it."

POOR CREATURE
Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog for company. One day, the dog died, and Muldoon went to the parish priest and asked, "Father, me dog is dead. Could ya be saying a mass for the poor creature?" Father Patrick replied, "I'm afraid not. We cannot have services for an animal in the church. But there are some Baptists down the lane, and there's no telling what they believe. Maybe they'll do something for the creature." Muldoon said, "I'll go right away Father. Do ya think $5,000 is enough to donate to them for the service?" Father Patrick exclaimed, "Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus, my heavenly father! Why didn't ya tell me the dog was Catholic?"

STATUE
Two elderly women were walking through a museum and got separated. When they ran into each other later, the first women said, "Gracious! Did you see that statue of the naked man back there?" The second woman replied, "Yes, I was absolutely shocked. How can they display such a thing? The penis was so large!" The first old lady accidentally blurted out, "And cold, too!"

THE JAR
A guy walks into a bar and notices a very large jar on the counter and sees it's filled to the brim with $10 bills. The man guesses there must be thousands of dollars in it. He approaches the bartender and asks, "What's up with the jar?" "Well, here's the deal. You pay 10 dollars, and if you pass three tests, you get all the money." The man certainly isn't going to pass this up, so he asks, "What are the three tests?" "Pay first," says the bartender. "Those are the rules." So, the customer puts $10 into the jar. "OK," the bartender says, "Here's what you need to do. First, you have to drink an entire gallon of pepper tequila. The whole thing, all at once, and you can't make a face. Second, there's a pit bull chained up out back with a sore tooth. You have to remove the tooth with your bare hands. Third, there's a 90-year-old woman upstairs who has never reached orgasm during intercourse. You've got to make things right for her." The man is stunned. "I know I paid my 10 bucks, but I'm not an idiot. I won't do it. You have to be nuts to drink a gallon of pepper tequila, and then do those other things!" "Your call," says the bartender, "but your money stays where it is." The man has a few drinks, then a few more, then finally asks, "Wherrre's zaat tequil-l-la?" He grabs the gallon with both hands and downs it with a big slurp. Tears are streaming down both cheeks, but he doesn't make a face. Next, he staggers out back where the pit bull is chained up. The people inside the bar hear a commotion, then they hear the pit bull barking, and the guy screaming, then the pit bull yelping, and then silence. Just when they think the man must be dead, he staggers back into he bar. His shirt is ripped, and he has large, bloody scratches from head to toe. "Now, he says, "where's the old woman with the sore tooth?"

SMARTER
Q: Why do men become smarter during sex?
A: Because they are plugged into a genius.

FATHER
A guy is in line at the supermarket when he notices a hottie behind him. She raises her hand and smiles to him. He is taken aback that such a looker would be waving to him, and although familiar, he can't place where he might know her from, so he says, "Sorry, do you know me?" She replies, "I may be mistaken, but I thought you might be the father of one of my children." His mind shoots back to the one and only time he has been unfaithful to his wife. "Holy crap," he says, "Are you that stripper from my bachelor party that I screwed on the pool table in front of all my friends while your girlfriend whipped me with some wet celery and stuck a cucumber up my behind?" "No," she replies, "I'm your son's English teacher."

SAVE MY GRANDSON
A Jewish grandmother is watching her grandchild playing on the beach when a huge wave comes and takes him out to sea. She pleads, "Please God, save my only grandson. I beg of you, bring him back." A big wave comes and washes the boy back onto the beach, good as new. She looks up to heaven and says, "He had a hat!"

BAD WORD
A man is driving his five-year-old to a friend's house when another car races in front and cuts them off, nearly causing an accident. "Douchebag!" the father yells. A moment later he realizes the indiscretion, pulls over, and turns to face his son. "Your father just said a bad word," he says. "I was angry at that driver, but that was no excuse for what I said. It was wrong. But just because I said it, it doesn't make it right, and I don't ever want to hear you saying it. Is that clear?" His son looks at him and says, "Too late, douchebag."

CONDOMS AND DRAMAMINE
Mr. Schwartz comes home one evening, and his wife greets him at the door. "Melvyn," she says, "I have an idea. Let's you and me take a weeklong cruise. We've got time, the kids are all on their own now, we've got the money, we'll have a great time." "Great idea, honey," says Mr. Schwartz. He runs down to the corner drugstore and says to the young pharmacist, "Eddie, give me seven condoms and seven Dramamine tablets." "Coming right up, Mr. Schwartz," says Eddie. As soon Melvyn gets in the door, his wife is waiting and says, "You know, honey, I've been thinking, why not go for two weeks? We've got no responsibilities, we can get ourselves a nice tan, see those beautiful islands and really relax. What do you say?" "Great idea, honey!" says Mr. Schwartz, and he runs back to the drugstore. "Eddie, give me seven more condoms, and seven more Dramamine tablets," he says. "Coming right up, Mr. Schwartz," he says, and Mr. Schwartz heads back home. As he comes through the door, his wife is there again, and says, "Honey, I've been thinking, let's do this vacation right. Let's go for a whole month." "Great idea, honey," says Mr. Schwartz. Once again he runs down to the pharmacy, and says "Eddie, give me 14 more condoms and 14 more Dramamine tablets." "Mr. Schwartz," says Eddie, "Can I ask you a personal question?" "Sure," says Mr. Schwartz. Eddie asks, "If it makes you so sick, why do you do it so much?"

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