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Q: What do you call a dog with no hind legs and steel testicles?
A man parked his car at the supermarket and was walking past an empty cart when he heard a woman ask, "Excuse me, did you want that cart?" "No," he answered. "I'm only after one thing." As he walked toward the store, he heard her murmur, "Typical male."
A young Southern boy goes off to college, but about a third of the way through the semester, he has foolishly squandered what money his parents gave him. Then he gets an idea. He calls his daddy. "Dad," he says, "you won't believe the wonders that modern education are coming up with. Why, they actually have a program here that will teach our dog Ole Blue how to talk!" "That's absolutely amazing," his father says. "How do I get him into that program?" "Just send him down here with $1,000," the boy says, "I'll get him into the course." So, his father sends the dog and $1,000. About two-thirds of the way through the semester, the money runs out. The boy calls his father again. "So, how's Ole Blue doing, son?" his father asks. "Great, Dad, he's talking up a storm," he says, "but you just won't believe this. They've had such good results with this program, they've implemented a new one to teach the animals how to read!" "Read?" says his father. "No kidding? What do I have to do to get him in that program?" "Just send $2,500, I'll get him in the class." His father sends the money. But the boy has a problem. At the end of the year, his father will find out that the dog can neither talk nor read, so he shoots the dog. When he gets home, his father is all excited. "Where's Ole Blue? I can't wait to see him talk and read something." "Dad," the boy says, "I have some sad news. This morning, when I got out of the shower, Ole Blue was in the living room kicking back in the recliner, reading the morning paper, like he usually does. Then he turned to me and asked, 'So, is your daddy still messing around with that little redhead who lives on Oak Street?'" The father says, "I hope you shot that son of a bitch before he talks to your mother." "I sure did, Dad!" "That's my boy."
A man is stumbling through the woods, totally drunk, when he stumbles down a riverbed and bumps into a preacher who is baptizing people. The startled preacher turns around and is overwhelmed by the smell of alcohol. He asks the drunk, "Are you ready to find Jesus?" The drunk answers, "Yes, I am." So the preacher grabs him and dunks him in the water. He pulls him up and asks the drunk, "Brother, have you found Jesus?" The drunk replies, "No, I have not found Jesus." The preacher, shocked at the answer, dunks him into the water again for a little longer. He again pulls the intoxicated man out of the water and asks, "Have you found Jesus?" By this time, the preacher is at his wits end, so he dunks the drunk in the water again, but this time holds him down for about 30 seconds. When the drunk begins kicking his arms and legs, he quickly pulls him up. The preacher again asks the drunk, "For the love of God, have you found Jesus?" The drunk wipes his eyes and catches his breath and says to the preacher, "Are you sure this is where he fell in?"
A man was admitted to the hospital suffering from premature ejaculation. The doctors said it was touch and go.
A mother and her son were flying on Southwest Airlines. The son, who had been looking out the window, turned to his mother and asked, "If big dogs have baby dogs, and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?" The mother, who couldn't think of an answer, told her son to ask the stewardess. So, the boy asked the stewardess, "If big dogs have baby dogs, and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?" The stewardess responded, "Did your mother tell you to ask me?" The boy said, "Yes, she did." "Well, then, tell your mother that there are no baby planes because Southwest always pulls out on time. Have your mother explain that to you."
GOATS AND GOLDFISH
Q: What's the difference between a goat and a goldfish?
A: A goldfish mucks about in fountains.
"You are suffering from what is technically known as an Electra Complex," the psychiatrist says to his blonde patient. "In other words, you are in love with your father," he says to the woman. The blonde breaks down into hysterical sobbing. "Now, now," comforts the doctor. "It's not all that bad." "Yes, yes, it is," blurts out the blonde between sobs. "I have no chance at all. He's a married man!"
THE NEXT STALL
A man is in one of the stalls of a public bathroom when the guy in the stall next to him says, "Hi, how are you?" "Um, fine," answers the man. "What are you up to?" asks the other guy. "I'm traveling," the first guy says, hesitantly. "Mind if I stop over?" "What? Why the hell would you do that?" "Hey, I'll call you back," says the other guy. "The idiot in the next stall keeps talking to me."
A man goes to the Super Bowl, but his tickets are for the upper tier. He spots an open seat on the 50-yard line and grabs it. The guy sitting next to him says, "Actually, this seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first Super Bowl we haven't been to together since we got married in 1967." "I'm sorry to hear that," says the first man. "Couldn't you find a friend or a relative to come with you?" "Nope," replies the second guy. "Everyone's at the funeral."
A fan is waiting by the clubhouse for his favorite golfer. When the golfer arrives, he's a mess, with scratches all over his face and arms. The fan asks, "What happened?" The golfer replies, "I blew an eagle on the eighteenth."
Q: How do you make a cat go "woof"?
A: Douse it in gasoline and toss it in the fireplace.
A guy is hanging upside down from the rafters at a factory when a blonde coworker walks by. "What are you doing?" she asks. "I need some time off," says the man. "I'm pretending to be nuts." The boss walks in, sees the worker hanging from the ceiling, and asks, "What are you doing?" "I'm a light bulb," answers the man. "I think you need some time off," says the boss. So, the man jumps down and leaves. The blonde begins to walk out, too. The boss asks, "Where do you think you're going?" The blonde answers, "I'm going home. I can't work in the dark."
A man is in the hospital recovering from surgery. The doctor turns to him and says, "I have some good news and some bad news." "Tell me the bad news," says the man. "Well," says the doctor, "the bad news is that we accidentally amputated your right leg. Tomorrow we have to take the left." "My God," cries the man, "what the hell is the good news?" "The good news is," replies the doctor, "the guy in the next room wants to buy your shoes."
Q: Where do you find a dog with no legs?
A: Right where you left him.
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