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A fellow in a bar notices a woman come in on a fairly regular basis, always alone. After the second week, he made his move. "No, thank you," she said, politely. "This may sound rather odd in this day and age, but I'm keeping myself pure until I meet the man I love." "That must be rather difficult," the man replied. "Oh, I don't mind too much," she said. "But, it has my husband pretty upset."
Q: How do you confuse a blonde?
A: You can't. They've always been like that.
"What did Father say when he learned you're pregnant?" asked little Mary's mother. Little Mary answered, "Should I leave out the profanity?" "Yes, of course!" Mary's mom replied. "Nothing."
"Hello?" the child says on the phone. "Hi, honey, this is Daddy. Is Mommy near the phone?" "No, Daddy," says the litter girl. "She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Paul." After a brief pause, Daddy says, "But honey, you haven't got an Uncle Paul." "Oh, yes I do, and he's upstairs in the room with Mommy, right now." Dad takes a deep breath. "Okay then, this is what I want you to do. Put the phone down, run upstairs, knock on the bedroom door and shout to Mommy that Daddy's car just pulled into the driveway." "Okay, Daddy, just a minute," says the little girl. A few minutes later, the little girl comes back to the phone. "I did it, Daddy." "What happened, honey?" he asks. "Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming. Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser and now she isn't moving at all." "Oh, my God! What about your Uncle Paul?" asks Dad in a panic. "He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on, too. He was all scared and he jumped out of the back window and into the swimming pool. But I guess he didn't know that you took out all the water last week to clean the pool. He hit the bottom of the pool and I think he's dead." There's a long pause on the phone. Then Daddy says, "Swimming pool? Is this 486-5731?"
A young woman with oozing sores on her elbows and knees went to see a doctor. "You've got to help me," she said. "These sores won't heal. I can't wear any long sleeves or slacks, and they look awful." The doctor consulted his medical books and finally said, "I can only come up with one question to help diagnose your problem. What position do you use for sex?" "We use the doggie position," she replied. "Well, right there you have it," said the doctor. "You're rubbing all the skin off your elbows and knees! You've got to change your position until these running sores heal." "But I can't," she said. "It's the only one the dog knows."
Q: What do you call a woman who has lost 95 percent of her intelligence?
The French have just ordered a new national flag. It's a white cross on a white background.
A young woman from California purchased a piece of timber land in Oregon. There was a large tree on one of the highest points in the tract. She wanted to get a good view of her land, so she started to climb the big tree. As she neared the top, she encountered a spotted owl that attacked her. In her haste to escape, the she slid down the tree to the ground and got many splinters in her private parts. In considerable pain, she hurried to the nearest doctor. He listened to her story then told her to go into the examining room and he would see if he could help her. She sat and waited for three hours before the doctor reappeared. The angry woman demanded, "What took you so long?" He replied, "Well, I had to get permits from the Environmental Protection Agency, the Forest Service, and the Bureau of Land Management before I could remove old-growth timber from a recreational area."
Q: What did Cinderella say when she got to the ball?
A very homely young woman made an appointment with a psychiatrist. She walked into his office and said, "Doctor, I'm so depressed and lonely. I don't have any friends, no man will come near me and everybody laughs at me. Can you help me accept my ugliness?" "I'm sure I can," the psychiatrist replied. "Just go over and lie face down on that couch, and we'll get started.
Q: What do they call reruns of "Hee-Haw" in Mississippi?
CATS AND DOGS
Women believe if a pet cat strays, it's because of a lack of affection at home. Women believe if a pet dog strays, it's because of a lack of affection at home. Women believe if a woman strays, it's because of a lack of affection at home. Women believe if a man strays, it's because men are scum.
Four women were driving across the country. Each one was from a different state: Idaho, Nebraska, Florida and New York. Shortly after the trip began, the woman from Idaho started pulling potatoes from her bag and throwing them out of the window. "What the heck are you doing?" demanded the Nebraskan. We have so many of these darn things in Idaho, I am just sick of looking at them!" A moment later, the gal from Nebraska began pulling ears of corn from her bag and tossing them from the window. "What are you doing that for?" asked the gal from Florida. "We have so many of these things in Nebraska, I am just sick of looking at them!" Inspired, the gal from Florida opened the car door and pushed the New Yorker out.
A Buddhist monk walks up to a hot dog vendor and says, "Can you make me one with everything?"
A trumpeter is hired to play two solos for a movie. After the sessions, he is paid handsomely and promised by the director that he will be notified when the movie is released to the public. Three months later, he receives a notice that the movie will make its debut in Times Square at a porno house. The musician enters the theater wearing a dark raincoat and shades. Unaccustomed to porno flicks, he sits in the last row next to an elderly couple. The film has explicit sex scenes including golden showers, group sex, sadomasochism and near the end a dog has intercourse with the leading female character. The musician, immensely embarrassed, turns to the elderly couple and whispers, "I wrote the score and I just came to hear the music." The elderly woman whispers in reply, "We just came to see our dog."
Q: What's the hardest part about rollerblading?
A: Telling your Dad you're gay.
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