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SIX INCHES
Q: What's six inches long, has a bald head and drives blondes crazy?
A: A hundred-dollar bill.

MEMORIAL STONE
A woman's husband dies. He had $30,000 to his name. After everything is done at the funeral home and cemetery, she tells her closest friend that there is none of the $30,000 left. The friend says, "How can that be?" The widow says, "Well, the funeral cost me $6,500. And, of course, I made a donation to the church. That was $500, and I spent another $500 for the wake, food and drinks, you know. The rest went for the memorial stone." The friend says, "It was $22,500 for the memorial stone? My God, how big is it?" The widow says, "Three carats."

KEEPING YOUTH
Q: How does a man keep his youth?
A: By giving her money, furs and diamonds.

SECRET ATTRACTION
A short and exceptionally homely man had just started putting on his underwear when his daughter opened the door and entered the room. "Mommy!" she cried, pointing to her father's extremely ample endowment. "What's that?" "Well, sweetheart," said the woman, "that's your daddy's secret attraction. If it weren't for that, you wouldn't be here." She sighs, then adds, "Come to think of it, neither would I."

CHAPPED LIPS
An old Texas cowhand came riding into town on a hot, dry, dusty day. The local sheriff watched from his chair in front of the saloon as the cowboy wearily dismounted and tied his horse to the rail a few feet in front of the sheriff. "Howdy, stranger," said the sheriff. "Howdy, Sheriff," said the cowboy. The cowboy moved slowly to the back of the horse, lifted its tail and placed a big kiss where the sun doesn't shine. He dropped the horse's tail, stepped up on the walk, and aimed towards the swing doors of the saloon. "Hold on there, mister," said the sheriff. "Did I just see what I think I saw?" "I reckon you did, Sheriff. I got me some powerful chapped lips." "And does that cure them?" the sheriff asked. "Nope, but it keeps me from lickin' 'em."

BIG PEOPLE WORDS
A group of kindergartners were trying very hard to become accustomed to the first grade. The biggest hurdle they faced was that the teacher insisted on "no baby talk." "You need to use 'big people' words," she was always reminding them. She asked Chris what he had done over the weekend. "I went to visit my Nana." "No, you went to visit your grandmother. Use 'big people' words. She then asked Mitchell what he had done. "I took a ride on a choo-choo." She said, "No, you took a ride on a train. You must remember to use 'big people' words." She then asked little Alec what he had done. "I read a book," he replied. "That's wonderful!" the teacher said. "What book did you read?" Alec thought real hard about it, puffed out his chest with great pride and said, "Winnie the Crap."

MEN AND BULBS
Q: How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: One. He just holds it up there and waits for the world to revolve
around him. Or three. One to screw in the bulb and two to listen to him
brag about the screwing part.

VERSES
A young minister was visiting the homes of his church community. At one house it seemed obvious that someone was at home, but no answer came to his repeated knocks at the door. So, he took out a business card and wrote "Revelation 3:20" on the back of it and stuck it in the door. When the offering was collected the next Sunday, he found his card had been returned. Added to it was this cryptic message, "Genesis 3:10." Reaching for his Bible to check out the citation, he broke out in laughter. Revelation 3:20 begins, "Behold, I stand at the door and knock." Genesis 3:10 reads, "I heard your voice in the garden and I was afraid, for I was naked."

DEAD IN A WEEK
Bob says to his friend Bill, "My doctor says if I don't give up sex, I'll be dead in a week." "Why is that?" Bill asks. Bob replies, "I've been screwing his wife."

APPREHENDED
A mild-mannered man was being tailgated by a stressed-out woman on a busy boulevard. Suddenly, the light turned yellow, just in front of him. He did the right thing, stopping at the crosswalk, even though he could have beaten the red light by accelerating through the intersection. The tailgating woman hit the roof, and the horn, screaming in frustration and flipping him a bird and shaking her fist as she missed her chance to get through the intersection. As she was still in mid-rant, she heard a tap on her window and looked up into the face of a very serious police officer. The officer ordered her to exit her car with her hands up. He took her to the police station where she was searched, finger printed, photographed and placed in a holding cell. After a couple of hours, a policeman approached the cell and opened the door. She was escorted back to the booking desk where the arresting officer was waiting with her personal effects. He said, "I'm very sorry for this mistake. You see, I pulled up behind your car while you were blowing your horn, flipping off the guy in front of you, and cussing a blue streak at him. I noticed the 'Choose Life' license plate holder, the 'What Would Jesus Do?' bumper sticker, the 'Follow Me to Sunday School' bumper sticker, and the chrome-plated Christian fish emblem on the trunk. Naturally, I assumed you had stolen the car!"

CURSED
An old man goes to the wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years. The wizard says, "Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you." The old man says without hesitation, "I now pronounce you man and wife."

GOOD AND BAD
Jeff went to see his doctor. The doctor said, "I have good news and bad news." "What's the bad news?" asked Jeff. "Your wife has syphilis," replied the doctor. "Oh, man! What could possibly be good news?" asked Jeff. The doctor said, "She didn't get it from you."

VIRGINITY LOST
Q: How can you tell a blonde has lost her virginity?
A: Her crayons are sticky.

BLEEDER
A streetwalker was visiting her doctor for a regular check-up. "Any specific problems you should tell me about?" the doctor asked. "Well, I have noticed lately that if I get even the tiniest cut, it seems to bleed for hours," she replied. "Do you think I might be a hemophiliac?" "Well," the doctor answered, "Hemophilia is a genetic disorder and it is more often found in men, but it is possible for a woman to be a hemophiliac. Tell me, how much do you lose when you have your period?" the doctor inquired. After calculating for a moment the hooker replied, "Oh, about seven or eight hundred dollars, I guess!"

INCHES
Two elderly men were having a conversation about sex. Elmer says, "Yes, I did it three times last night with a 30-year-old!" Leon replies, "You're kidding! I can't even manage to do it once. What's your secret?" Elmer said, "Well, the secret is to eat lots of whole wheat bread. I'm not kidding!" So, the second old man rushed to the store. The clerk asks the old man, "May I help you?" "Yes, I'd like four loaves of whole wheat bread, please," said Leon. "That's a lot of bread. It's sure to get hard before you're done!" the clerk remarked. Leon replies, "Damn! Does everyone know about this except me?"

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