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EVER DONE THAT
A young couple with a box of condoms proceeded to make love. When they were finished, she discovered there were only six condoms remaining in the box of 12, so she asked him, "What happened to the other five condoms?" His nervous reply was, "Well, I masturbated with them." Later, she approached one of her male friends and told him the story. She asked, "Have you ever done that?" "Yeah, once or twice," he told her. "You mean you've actually masturbated with a condom before?" she asked. "Oh," he said, "I thought you were asking if I'd ever lied to my girlfriend."
A PILL A DAY
Casey came home from the doctor looking very worried. His wife said, "What's the problem?" He said, "The doctor told me I have to take a pill every day for the rest of my life." She said, "So what? Lots of people have to take a pill every day their whole lives." He said, "I know, but he only gave me four pills!"
Soon after marriage, a lady's husband stopped wearing his wedding ring. She asked, "Why don't you ever wear your wedding band?" He replied, "It cuts off my circulation." She answered back, "It's supposed to!"
Q: What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?
A: You didn't hold the pillow down long enough.
A bear, a lion and a chicken meet up. The bear says, "If I roar in the forests of North America, the entire forest is shivering with fear." The lion says, "And if I roar on the great plains of Africa, the entire savannah is afraid of me." "Big deal!'' says the chicken. "All I have to do is cough, and the entire planet craps itself."
AT THE DOOR
One day, a woman's doorbell rang. The weather was very bad. The woman opened the door, and there stood a young girl, a Jehovah's Witness, soaking wet. The woman felt sorry for her, so she asked the young woman into the house for a cup of coffee and to dry off. The woman wanted to make conversation as the two drank their hot chocolate, so she asked the Jehovah's Witness, "So, what's the message you're passing along?'" The girl stuttered and said, "I'm not sure. I never got this far."
KILLING THEIR MATES
Q: Why do female black widow spiders kill their mates after mating?
A: To stop the snoring before it starts.
Two patients limp into two different medical clinics with the same complaint. Both have trouble walking and appear to require a hip replacement. The first patient is examined within the hour, is x-rayed the same day and has a time booked for surgery the following week. The second patient sees his family doctor after waiting a week for an appointment, then waits six weeks to see a specialist, then gets an x-ray, which isn't reviewed for another month and finally has his surgery scheduled for three months from then. Why the different treatment for the two patients? The first is a golden retriever. The second is a senior citizen.
A horse walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Hey, why the long face?" The horse says, "My wife just died."
Q: What's the most commonly heard redneck defense in court?
A: "Honest, your honor, I was just helping the sheep over the fence."
A guy is driving through the countryside and suddenly develops car trouble. The highway is rather deserted, and having no other choice, he pulls his car over. Fortunately, he spies a farmhouse a little ways up and walks there in hope of using a phone to call for help. At the house, a farmer answers the door, and hearing the man's plight, welcomes him in to use the phone. While the man is on the phone calling a towing service, he notices something odd in the farmer's backyard: a pig with a wooden leg. Waiting for the tow truck, the two strike up a conversation. The man can't help his curiosity and asks the farmer, "Was that a pig with a wooden leg I saw in your yard?" "Sure was," the farmer replies. The man says, "I have to know, why does the pig have a wooden leg?" "Well, that's a very special pig," the farmer says. "One day, I tripped and sprained my ankle near the highway. That pig pulled me from harm's way and went to the house, got my wife, and let her know I was in trouble." "Wow," the man said. "I don't know of many dogs that could do that. That is a special pig. But, please tell me, why does the pig have a wooden leg?" "Well, as I was saying," the farmer replied, "that's a very special pig. One day me and the wife were asleep in bed when the house caught on fire. That pig ran upstairs, jumped on the bed, woke the both of us up, and sure as I'm talking to you today, saved our lives." "I understand that pig is very special," the man says, getting a little frustrated, "But, please tell me. Why does the pig have a wooden leg?" "Well," the farmer replies, "a pig as special as that, you wouldn't want to eat him all at once now, would you?"
A man went to the dentist because his tooth was hurting. The dentist told him after the examination that he needed a root canal. The man replied, "O.K. lets do it." The dentist told him he will feel a pinch when he gives him the shot of the numbing agent. The man says, "No, Doc, I am allergic to that." The doctor tells him, "O.K., then, we'll give you nitrous oxide." The man says, "I am allergic to the gas." So, then the doctor gives him two pills with a glass of water and the man takes it. The doctor comes back in 10 minutes and the man says, "Doc, will those two blue pills kill the pain?" The doctor replies, "No, that was Viagra." The man says, "Viagra? I don't need that! What's that going to do for me?" The doctor replies, "Well, it'll give you something to hang onto."
Q: What should you do if you see your ex-husband rolling around in pain on the ground?
A: Shoot him again.
MARRIED OR DIVORCED
Two men are discussing their lives. One says, "I'm getting married. I'm tired of a messy apartment, dirty dishes, and no clothes to wear." The other one says, "I'm getting divorced for the same reasons."
The teacher asked one of her young students if he knew his numbers. "Yes," he said. "I do. My father taught me." "Good. What comes after three?" "Four," answers the boy. "What comes after six?" "Seven." "Very good," says the teacher. "Your dad did a good job. What comes after ten?" "A jack," says the little boy.
IN A HURRY
A woman rushes into the lobby of a large hotel and sprints up to the reception desk. Seeing that the only member of staff is talking on the phone, she hammers on the bell for service. The man at the desk slowly puts down the phone. "Yes?" he says, annoyed. "Excuse me," says the woman, "I'm in a hurry. Could you check me out, please?" The clerk stares at her for a second and looks her up and down. "Not bad," he smiles. "Not bad at all."
Little Johnny was caught swearing by his teacher. "Johnny," she said, "you shouldn't use that kind of language. Where did you hear such talk, anyway?" "My daddy said it," he responded. "Well, that doesn't matter," explained the teacher. "You don't even know what it means." "I do, too!" Little Johnny retorted. "It means the car won't start."
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