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Q: How can you tell if a man is well-hung?
A: When you can barely slip your finger in between his neck and the
FIVE HUNDRED BUCKS
A trucker who has been on the road for three weeks stops into a brothel outside Vegas. He walks straight up to the madam, drops down $500 and says, "I want your ugliest woman and a bologna sandwich!" The madam is astonished. "But, sir, for that kind of money, you could have one of my finest ladies and a three-course meal." The trucker replies, "Listen sweetheart, I ain't horny, I'm homesick."
A man walks into a bar with his dog and puts the dog on a barstool. The bartender asks the man what he wants to drink. "I'll have a bourbon and Coke!" The man then turns to his dog and asks, "What are you going to have, Rover?" "I'll have a Scotch and soda, light on the soda," says Rover. The bartender is skeptical about the dog talking. "Come on," he says, "That dog can't talk. You're a ventriloquist!" "No, Rover can really talk. While I'm in the restroom, you can have a conversation with him yourself, but don't let him out of your sight. He is a very valuable dog." The man goes to the restroom. When he returns, the dog is gone. "Hey, where's my dog? I told you not to let him out of your sight. "Well, I didn't believe that Rover could talk, so I gave him a quarter and sent him to the drug store to buy me a paper." "Let's go look for him," said the man. The two went to the drugstore, but no Rover. They walked up and down nearby alleys and streets, no dog. Finally, they found Rover in an alley on top of another dog, pumping away. Pointing his finger at Rover, the man says angrily, "Why are you doing this, Rover? You've never done this before!" Rover replies, "First time I ever had any money!"
A very ugly woman walks into Wal-Mart with her two kids. The Wal-Mart greeter asks, "Are they twins?" The ugly woman says, "No, he's 9 and she's 7. Why? Do you think they really look alike?" "No," replies the greeter. "I just can't believe you got laid twice."
Q. Why is it good for young boys to read Playboy and Penthouse?
A. It improves hand-eye coordination.
THE SMART LOAN
A blonde walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan officer. She says she is going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5000. The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for such a loan, so the blonde hands over the keys to a new Rolls Royce, parked on the street, in front of the bank. Everything checks out, and the bank agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan. An employee drives the Rolls into the bank's underground garage and parks it there. Two weeks later, the blonde returns and repays the $5000, and the interest, which is $15.41. The loan officer says, "We are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a multimillionaire. What puzzles us is why would you bother to borrow $5000?" The blonde replied, "Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for $15?"
Q: Why does it take 100,000,000 sperm to fertilize one egg?
A: Because not one will stop and ask directions.
A woman gives birth to a baby, and afterward, the doctor comes in. He says, "I have to tell you something about your baby." The woman sits up in bed and says, "What's wrong with my baby, doctor?" The doctor says, "Well now, nothing's wrong, exactly, but your baby is a little bit different. Your baby is a hermaphrodite." The woman says, "A hermaphrodite? What's that?" The doctor says, "Well, it means your baby has the features of a male and a female." The woman turns pale. She says, "Oh, my god! You mean it has a penis AND a brain?"
Q: What is the difference between men and women?
A: A woman wants one man to satisfy her every need. A man wants every woman to satisfy his one need.
50 AND 50
Q: What do you get when you put 50 lesbians and 50 politicians in a room together?
A: One hundred people who don't do dick.
A Spanish teacher was explaining to her class that in Spanish, unlike English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine. "House," for instance, is feminine, "la casa." "Pencil," however, is masculine, "el lapiz." A student asked, "What gender is 'computer'?" Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two groups, male and female, and asked them to decide for themselves whether "computer" should be a masculine or a feminine noun. Each group was asked to give four reasons for its recommendation. The men's group decided that ''computer'' should definitely be of the feminine gender ("la computadora"), because: 1) No one but their creator understands their internal logic, 2) The language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else, 3) Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible later retrieval, and 4) As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it. The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be masculine ("El computador"), because: 1) In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on, 2) They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves, 3) They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem, and 4) As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer, you could have gotten a better model. Note: The women won.
MAKE LOVE TO ME
A woman was in the kitchen doing the boiled eggs for breakfast. Her husband walks in and she says, "You've got to make love to me this very moment." The husband, thinking it's his lucky day, makes love to her on the kitchen table. Afterward he says, "What was that all about?" She says, "The egg timer's broken!"
Q: What is the definition of the perfect wife?
A: A rich, mute, nymphomaniac that owns a liquor store.
NOT ALL THAT BAD
An elderly husband and wife noticed that they were beginning to forget many little things around the house. They were afraid that this could be dangerous, as one of them may accidentally forget to turn off the stove and thus cause a fire. So, they decided to go see their doctor to get some help. Their physician told them that many people their age find it useful to write themselves little notes as reminders. The elderly couple thought this sounded wonderful, and left the doctor's office very pleased with the advice. When they got home, the wife said, "Honey, will you please go to the kitchen and get me a dish of ice cream? And why don't you write that down so you won't forget?" "Nonsense," said the husband, "I can remember a dish of ice cream!" "Well," said the wife, "I'd also like some strawberries on it. You better write that down, because I know you'll forget." "Don't be silly," replied the husband. "A dish of ice cream and some strawberries. I can remember that!" "OK, dear, but I'd like you to put some whipped cream on top. Now you'd really better write it down now. You'll forget," said the wife. "Come now, my memory's not all that bad," said the husband. "No problem, a dish of ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream." With that, the husband shut the kitchen door behind him. The wife could hear him getting out pots and pans, and making some noise inconsistent with his preparing a dish of ice cream, strawberries, and whipped cream. He emerged from the kitchen about 15 minutes later. Walking over to his wife, he presented her with a plate of bacon and eggs. The wife took one look at the plate, glanced up at her husband and said, "Hey, where's the toast?"
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