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Q: How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?
A: Rename the folder to "Instructions Manuals."
A passenger in a taxi tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him a question. The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, and nearly hit a bus. The shaking driver said, "I'm sorry but you scared the daylights out of me." The frightened passenger apologized and said he didn't realize a mere tap on the shoulder could frighten him so much. The driver replied, "No, I'm sorry, it's my fault. Today is my first day driving a cab. I've been driving a hearse for the last 25 years."
A man staggered into a hospital with a concussion, multiple bruises, two black eyes, and a five-iron wrapped tightly around his throat. Naturally, the doctor asked him, "What happened to you?" "Well, I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife, when at a difficult hole, we both sliced our balls into a cow pasture. We went to look for them and while I was looking around, I noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end. I walked over, lifted its tail, and sure enough, there was a golf ball with my wife's monogram on it, stuck right in the middle of the cow's butt. Still holding the cow's tail up, I yelled to my wife, 'Hey, this looks like yours!' I don't remember much after that."
Q: If women with big boobs work at Hooters, where do girls with one leg work?
HELPING THE POOR
One afternoon a lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw two men along the roadside eating grass. Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate. He asked one man, "Why are you eating grass?" "We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied. "We have to eat grass." "Well, then, you can come with me to my house and I'll feed you," the lawyer said. "But, sir, I have a wife and two children with me. They are over there, under that tree." "Bring them along," the lawyer replied. Turning to the other poor man he stated, "You come with us, also." The second man, in a pitiful voice then said, "But sir, I also have a wife and six children with me!" "Bring them all, as well," the lawyer answered. They all entered the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limousine was. Once underway, one of the poor fellows turned to the lawyer and said, "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you." The lawyer replied, "Glad to do it. You'll really love my place. The grass is almost a foot high."
A Greek and an Italian were sitting down one day debating who had the superior culture. The Greek says, "We have the Parthenon." The Italian says, "We have the Coliseum." The Greek says, "We had great mathematicians." The Italian says, "We had the Roman Empire." And so on and so on for hours, until finally the Greek lights up and says, "We invented sex." The Italian nods slowly and thinks, then replies, "That is true, but it was Italians who introduced it to women."
Q: Why does a blonde only change her baby's diapers once every month?
A: Because it says on the box, "Good for up to 20 pounds."
One day, a woman arrives home from work and her husband notices she's wearing a diamond necklace. He asks his wife, "Where did you get that necklace?" She replies, "I won it in a raffle at work. Go get my bath ready while I start supper." The next day, the woman arrives home from work wearing a diamond bracelet. Her husband asks, "Where did you get the bracelet?" She replies, "I won it in a raffle at work. Go get my bath ready while I start supper." The next day, her husband notices she arrives home from work wearing a mink coat. He says, "I suppose you won that in a raffle at work?" She replies, "Yeah, I did! How did you guess? Go get my bath ready while I start supper." After supper, she goes to take her bath and she notices there is only one inch of water in the tub. She yells to her husband, "Hey, there's only an inch of water in the tub!" "Yes," the husband replies. "I didn't want you to get your raffle ticket wet."
The nice thing about being senile is you can hide your own Easter eggs.
"That bastard husband of mine wanted me to sleep with the landlord because he lost the rent money playing poker," the housewife told a neighbor. "You didn't do it, did you?" "I have to admit I did, though with certain misgivings. What I haven't done, though, is tell my husband the rent is paid up for six months!"
REALLY A POLAR BEAR
A baby polar bear is sitting on an iceberg with his mother. Suddenly he asks, "Mom, am I really a polar bear?" His mother replies, "Why, of course, dear." A minute later, he asks again, "Mom, am I really a polar bear?" His mother says, "I'm a polar bear, your daddy is a polar bear, you are a polar bear. Now finish eating your seal!" A minute later, the baby asks the question again. Annoyed, the mother shouts, "Yes! Why do you keep asking?" To which the baby shrieks, "Because I'm freezing my ass off."
Q: What do you call a fish with no eyes?
A: A fsh.
Siamese twins from the U.S. vacation at the same resort in England every year. The manager recognizes the conjoined brothers on one visit and asks if they keep coming back for the sights. "Oh, no," one of the twins says. "We've seen everything the city has to offer." "Perhaps you enjoy our many pubs?" the manager asks. "We don't drink," one twin replies. "You must fancy our fish and chips, then?" the manager asks. "No, we prefer burgers," one twin says. "Then what makes you come back year after year?" the manager asks. The left twin points to his brother and says, "It's the only chance he gets to drive."
Two cows were standing in a field when one goes, "Mooo." The other replies, "Damn, I was just about say that."
An 80-year-old woman was arrested for shoplifting. When she went before the judge, he asked her, "What did you steal?" She replied, "A can of peaches." The judge asked her why she had stolen them and she replied that she was hungry. The judge then asked her how many peaches were in the can. She replied six. The judge then said, "I will give you six days in jail." Just as the judge was about to use his gavel, the woman's husband spoke up and asked the judge if he could say something. The judge said, "What is it?" The husband said, "She also stole a can of peas."
A lady goes into a bar and sees a cowboy with his feet propped up on a table. He has the biggest feet she's ever seen. The woman asks the cowboy if what they say about men with big feet is true. The cowboy replies, "Sure is, why don't you come back to my place and let me prove it?" The woman is curious, so she spends the night with him. When she sees him the next day, she hands the cowboy a $100 bill. "I'm flattered," he says, blushing. "Nobody has ever paid me for my prowess before." "Well, don't be," the woman replies. "Take this money and go buy yourself some boots that fit!"
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