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ALL YOU NEED IS LOVE
A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically placing "Love" stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all over them. His curiosity getting the better of him, he goes up to the balding man and asks him what he is doing. The man says, "I'm sending out 1,000 Valentine's Day cards signed, 'Guess Who?'" "But why?" asks the man. "I'm a divorce lawyer," the man replies.
Q: Why don't cowboys make good lovers?
A: Because they think a good ride is eight seconds.
A timid little man ventured into a biker bar and, clearing his throat, asked, "Um, which of you gentlemen owns the Doberman tied outside to the parking meter?" A giant of a man, wearing biker leathers, his body hair growing out through the seams, turned slowly on his stool, looked down at the quivering little man and said, "It's my dog. Why?" "Well," squeaked the little man, obviously nervous, "I believe my dog just killed it, sir." "What?" roared the big man in disbelief. "What in the hell kind of dog do you have?" "Sir," answered the little man, "it's a little four week old female puppy." "Bull!" roared the biker, "How could your puppy kill my Doberman?" The man said, "It appears your dog choked on her, sir."
GOOD NEWS, BAD NEWS
There is the story of a pastor who got up one Sunday and announced to his congregation, "I have good news and bad news. The good news is, we have enough money to pay for our new building program. The bad news is, it's still out there in your pockets."
TEETH UP THERE
Six-year-old Johnny is the most gullible little boy in the world. One day, he is out shopping with his mother when he walks up to a mannequin and starts to run his hand up the mannequin's skirt. Johnny's mother sees this and rushes over, saying, "Johnny, don't you dare put your hand under there! Women have teeth up there and you're lucky she didn't bite your fingers off!" Johnny nodded dumbly and swore he would never touch a woman there. Well 10 years later, 16-year-old Johnny is out on his first date with Cindy and after dinner and a movie they find themselves in the back seat getting hot and heavy. After awhile, Cindy finally says to Johnny, "Don't you want to take it one step further? Don't you want to put your hands down my pants?" Johnny immediately says, "Oh, no, you might bite my fingers off! I bet you have really sharp teeth down there!" She starts to laugh and says, "No, I don't." "Yes, you do!" he says. "No, I don't! Look, I'll prove it to you!" she says, and whips off her jeans and panties, leans back, spreads her legs and says, "See, I told you so!" He takes one look and exclaims, "Well, no wonder. Look at the condition of your gums!"
Bert took his dog to the vet. "Doctor," he said sadly, "I'm afraid I'm going to have to ask you to cut off my dog's tail." The vet stepped back, "Bert, why should I do such a terrible thing?" Bert replied, "Because my mother-in-law's arriving tomorrow, and I don't want anything to make her think she's welcome."
A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room, waiting for the doctor to come in for the baby's first exam. The doctor arrived, examined the baby, checked his weight, and being a little concerned, asked if the baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed. "Breast-fed," she replied. "Well, strip down to your waist," the doctor ordered. She did. He pinched her nipples, then pressed, kneaded, and rubbed both breasts for awhile in a detailed examination. Motioning to her to get dressed, he said, "No wonder this baby is underweight. You don't have any milk." "I know," she said, "I'm his grandma, but I'm glad I came."
THE HONEYMOON'S OVER
A young couple got married and went on their honeymoon. When they got back, the bride immediately called her mother. "Well," said her mother, "how was the honeymoon?" "Oh, mama," she replied, "the honeymoon was wonderful! So romantic." Suddenly she burst out crying. "But, mama, as soon as we returned, Sam started using the most horrible language. Things I'd never heard before! I mean, all these awful four-letter words! You've got to take me home. Please Mama!" "Sarah, Sarah," her mother said, "calm down! You need to stay with your husband and work this out. Now, tell me, what could be so awful? What four-letter words?" "Please don't make me tell you, Mama," wept the daughter. "I'm so embarrassed, they're just too awful. Come get me, please." "Darling, baby, you must tell me what has you so upset. Tell your mother these horrible four-letter words!" Sobbing, the bride said, "Oh, Mama, he used words like dust, wash, iron, cook." "I'll pick you up in twenty minutes," said the mother.
Sitting behind a couple of nuns at a baseball game, whose headgear partially blocked the view, three men decided to badger the nuns in an effort to get them to move. In a very loud voice, the first guy said, "I think I'm going to move to Utah, there are only 100 nuns living there." The second guy spoke up and said, "I want to go to Montana, there are only 50 nuns living there." The third guy said, "I want to go to Idaho, there are only 25 nuns living there." One of the nuns turned around, looked at the men, and in a very sweet, calm, voice said, "Why don't you go to hell. There aren't any nuns there."
This hand-painted sign was seen on the back of an Amish carriage in Pennsylvania: "Energy efficient vehicle: Runs on oats and grass. Caution: Do not step in exhaust."
A woman walked into an accountant's office and told him that she needed to file her income tax return. The accountant says, "Before we begin, I'll need to ask you a few questions." He gets her name, address and social security number, then asks, "What is your occupation?" "I'm a whore," she says. The accountant is somewhat taken back and says, "No, no, no, that won't work. That is too crass. Let's try to rephrase that." The woman says, "OK, I'm a high-end call girl." "No, that's still too crude. Try again." They both think for a minute, then the woman says, "I'm an elite chicken farmer." The accountant asks, "What does chicken farming have to do with being a whore?" "Well, I raised over a thousand little peckers last year." "Good enough," said the accountant.
OLD FAMILY BIBLELAST MINUTE
There was a very gracious lady who was mailing an old family Bible to her brother in another part of the country. "Is there anything breakable in here?" asked the postal clerk. "Only the Ten Commandments," answered the lady.
A minister waited in line to have his car filled with gas just before a long holiday weekend. The attendant worked quickly, but there were many cars ahead of him. Finally, the attendant motioned him toward a vacant pump. "Reverend," said the young man, "I'm so sorry about the delay. It seems as if everyone waits until the last minute to get ready for a long trip." The minister chuckled, "I know what you mean. It's the same in my business."
A married man decided to work late to be with his sexy secretary, so he called his wife to make up an excuse. After work he invited his secretary to dinner. It soon became obvious that he was going to get lucky, so the two went back to her apartment and had great sex for two hours. Afterward the fellow went to the bathroom to straighten up for the trip home and noticed a huge hickey on his neck. He panicked, wondering what to tell his wife. After the man unlocked his front door, his dog came bounding to greet him. Aha, the man thought, and promptly fell to the carpet, pretending to fight off the affectionate animal. Holding his neck with one hand, he said, "Honey, look what the dog did to my neck!" "Hell," she answered, ripping open her blouse. "Look what he did to my boobs!"
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