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Q: Why were men given larger brains than dogs?
A: So they won't hump women's legs at cocktail parties.
Two women are shopping and talking about their husbands. One says, "My husband said he was getting impatient with my mood swings, so he bought me a mood ring the other day to monitor my moods." "How'd that work out?" asked the second woman. "Well," said the first, "When I'm in a good mood, it turns green. When I'm in a bad mood, it leaves a big, flipping red mark on his forehead. Maybe next time he'll buy me a diamond."
SHEEP DOG BRA
The success of the "Wonder Bra" for under-endowed women, has encouraged the designers to come out with a bra for over-endowed women. It's called the "Sheep Dog Bra." It rounds them up and points them in the right direction.
A woman went into a store to buy her husband a pet for his birthday. After looking around, she found that all the pets were very expensive. She told the clerk she wanted to buy a pet, but she didn't want to spend a fortune. "Well," said the clerk, "I have a very large bullfrog. They say it's been trained to perform oral sex!" "Really?" the woman replied. "It hasn't been proved but we've sold 30 of them this month," he said. The woman thought it would be a great gag gift for her husband, and if it were true, she'd be able to avoid performing that burdensome act for her husband. She bought the frog. When she explained the frog's alleged ability to her husband, he was extremely skeptical and laughed it off. The woman went to bed happy, thinking she may never need to perform this unappealing act again. In the middle of the night, she was awakened by the noise of pots and pans flying everywhere, making banging and crashing sounds. She ran downstairs to the kitchen, only to find her husband and the frog reading cookbooks. "What are you two doing at this hour?" she asked. The husband replied, "If I can teach this frog to cook, your ass is gone."
FROG JOKE II
A beautiful, well endowed, young blonde, goes to her local pet store in search of an exotic pet. As she looks about the store, she notices a box full of frogs. The sign says, "Sex frogs! Only $20 each! Money back guarantee! Comes with complete instructions." The girl excitedly looks around to see if anybody's watching her and whispers softly to the man behind the counter, "I'll take one." The man packaged the frog and said, "Just follow the instructions carefully." The girl nods, grabs the box, and is quickly on her way home. As soon as she closes the door to her apartment, the girl takes out the instructions and reads them thoroughly, doing exactly what it says to do: 1. Take a shower. 2. Splash on some nice smelling perfume. 3. Slip into a very sexy teddy. 4. Crawl into bed and position the frog in place. She then quickly gets into bed with the frog and, to her surprise, nothing happens. The girl is totally frustrated and quite upset at this point. She re-reads the instructions and notices at the bottom of the paper it says, "If you have any problems or questions, please call the pet store." So, the girl calls the pet store. The man says, "I had some complaints earlier today. I'll be right over." Within five minutes, the man is ringing her doorbell. The girl welcomes him in and says, "See, I've done everything according to the instructions and the damn thing just sits there." The man, looking very concerned, picks up the frog, stares directly into its eyes and sternly says, "Listen to me! I'm only going to show you how to do this one more time!"
A guy sees a gal in a bar. Walking up behind her he says, "Hi there, good looking! How's it going?" Having already downed a few power drinks, she turns around, faces him, looks him straight in the eye, and says, "Listen up, buddy. I screw anybody, any time, anywhere, your place, my place, in the car, front door, back door, on the ground, standing up, sitting down, naked or with clothes on, dirty, clean, it just doesn't matter to me. I've been doing it ever since I got out of college and I just flat-ass love it." Eyes now wide with interest, he responds, "No kidding? I'm a lawyer, too! What firm are you with?"
Q: How did the electrician lose all the power in his home?
A: He got married.
A man picks up a lamp lying in the street. Out pops a genie that offers him one wish. "I wish for tequila whenever I want it," the man says. "Make me pee tequila!" The genie grants the wish and when the man gets home he urinates in a glass. It's the best tequila he has ever tasted. The man convinces his wife to drink a glass, and she loves it. So, he sets out two glasses and fills them with tequila. The two drink all night. The next night, the man tells his wife, "Grab one glass and we'll drink tequila." "Why only one glass?" she asks. "Because tonight," the man replies, "you drink straight from the bottle."
According to a new book, 50 women were asked what they'd do if they had a male sex organ for one day. Most said, "Probably get a salary increase."
A man orders a hot dog with relish from a street vendor. The vendor grabs the dog with his bare hands and puts it on a bun. He then applies the relish with his fingers. The man pulls out a badge and says, "I'm the health inspector and I'm shutting you down!" The vendor pleads with the inspector and promises to clean up his act. The inspector agrees, but warns he'll be stopping by unannounced another time. A month later, the inspector returns and orders a hot dog with relish. The vendor carefully grabs the dog with a pair of tongs and uses another pair to put on the relish. "You've passed," the inspector says before noticing a string hanging out of the vendor's zipper. "Wait!" he says. "What's that for?" "The vendor replies, "I'm so clean that when I go to the bathroom, I don't even touch myself. I pull it out with the string." "And how do you get it back in your pants?" the inspector asks. "Easy," says the vendor. "I use the tongs."
Q: What is the definition of wicker box?
A: It's what Elmer Fudd wants to do to Britney Spears.
A Jewish family invited their gentile neighbors for holiday dinner. The first course was set in front of them and the Jewish couple announced, "This is matzoh ball soup." On seeing the two large matzoh balls in the soup, the gentile man was hesitant to taste this strange looking brew. Gently, the Jewish couple pressed the gentile man. "Just have a taste. If you don't like it, you don't have to finish it." Finally he agrees. He digs his spoon in, first picking up a small piece of matzoh ball with some soup in the spoon, and tasting it gingerly. The usual "mmm" sound can be heard coming from somewhere deep in his chest, and he quickly finished the soup. "That was delicious," he said. "Can you eat any other parts of the matzoh?"
Did you hear the one about the girl who was extremely skinny? She had to tease her hair just to keep her pants up.
ONE ON TOP
Little Tony was staying with his grandmother for a few days. He'd been playing outside with the other kids for a while when he came into the house and asked her, "Grandma, what is that called when two people are sleeping in the same room and one is on top of the other?" She was a little taken aback, but decided to tell him the truth. "It's called sexual intercourse, darling." Little Tony just said, "Oh, O.K." He went back outside to talk and play with the other kids. A few minutes later he came back in and said angrily, "Grandma, it is not called sexual intercourse! It's called bunk beds! And Jimmy's mom wants to talk to you!"
LAWYER IN A TREE
Q: How do you get a lawyer out of a tree?
A: Cut the rope.
The Texas preacher rose with an angry red face. "Someone in this congregation has spread a rumor that I belong to the Ku Klux Klan. This is a horrible lie and one that a Christian community cannot tolerate. I am embarrassed and do not intend to accept this. Now, I want the party who did this to stand and ask forgiveness from God and this Christian family." No one moved. The preacher continued, "Do you have the nerve to face me and admit this is a falsehood? Remember, you will be forgiven and in your heart you will feel glory. Now stand and confess your transgression." Again all was quiet. Then, slowly, a drop-dead gorgeous blonde with a body that would stop traffic rose from the third pew. Her head was bowed and her voice quivered as she spoke. "Reverend, there's been a terrible misunderstanding. I never said you were a member of the Ku Klux Klan. I simply told a couple of my friends that you were a wizard under the sheets!"
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