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HOW MANY KINDS
A son asks his father, "Dad, how many kinds of boobies are there?" The father answers, "Well, there are three kinds of breasts. In her twenties, a woman's breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her thirties to forties, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit. After fifty, they are like onions." "Onions?" "Yes, you see them and they make you cry." His infuriated wife said, "And how many kinds of 'willies' are there? A man goes through three phases. In his twenties, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his thirties and forties, it is a birch, flexible but reliable. After his fifties, it is like a Christmas tree." "A Christmas tree?" asked the boy. "Yes," said the mother, "Dead from the root up and the balls are for decoration only."
Q: Why are women unlucky?
A: Because to get eight inches of sausage, they have to take the whole pig.
Three female cats were bragging about their kittens. The first cat said, "My kittens are part Persian. Their father was a pure Persian cat." The third cat said nothing. The second cat said, "Well, that is nothing. My kittens are part Siamese. Their father was a pure bread Siamese." The third cat still said nothing. Then the first two cats asked her, "What are your kittens?" She replied, "Oh, I don't know. I had my head stuck in the tuna can at the time."
HAPPY AND SAD
A husband and wife were sharing a bottle of wine when the husband said, "I bet you can't tell me something that will make me feel happy and sad at the same time." The wife thought for a few moments, then said, "Your penis is bigger than your brother's."
POPE VS. BOSS
Q: What's the difference between the Pope and your boss?
A: The Pope only expects you to kiss his ring.
MEN VS. BANKS
Q: What do men and money in the bank have in common?
A: Both lose interest after withdrawal.
This guy was applying for a job as a switch operator on the railroad. The engineer was conducting the interview. "What would you do if the Northern Express was heading north on Track 1 and the Southern Central was heading south on Track 1?" The guy thought. "Well, I'd call my brother." The engineer just sat there for a second. "Why on Earth would you call your brother?" "He's never seen a train wreck before."
Hear about the new household cleaner on the market? It's called "Bachelor." It works fast, and leaves no ring.
A boy is waiting for the school bus and decides to push over the outhouse. When he gets home his father is waiting for him, belt in hand. He says, "Son, did you push over the outhouse?" The son replies, "Well, Dad, we learned about George Washington in school today and like him I cannot tell a lie. Yes, I pushed over the outhouse." The father says, "You do realize you're going to be punished now, right?" The son protests, "But Dad, when George Washington told the truth about cutting down the cherry tree, he didn't get punished!" His father replies, "Well, George Washington's father wasn't IN the cherry tree."
Q: How do you confuse a liberal?
A: You can't. They're born that way.
John receives a phone call. "Hello," he answers. The voice on the other end says, "This is Susan. We met at a party about three months ago." John says, "Susan? About three months ago?" Susan says, "Yes, it was at Bill's house. After the party you took me home. On the way we parked and got into the back seat. You told me I was a good sport." John says, "Oh, yeah. Susan! How are you?" Susan replies, "I'm pregnant by you and I'm going to kill myself." John says, "Say, you really ARE a good sport!"
Q: What do you throw to a drowning lawyer?
A: His partners.
A man walked into a fur store accompanied by beautiful, stacked redhead. "Show my new girlfriend your finest mink," he announced loudly. The storeowner quickly retrieved a full coat, which the redhead tried on and loved. "That coat costs $100,000," the shop owner said. "No problem," the man smiled, "I'll write you a check in full for it right now." "Wonderful!" beamed the shop owner, "Since today is Friday, I'll just hold it for you to pick up on Monday after your check has had a chance to clear the bank." The happy couple left the store. On Monday afternoon, the man returned alone, and was greeted by the owner angrily, "How dare you come back here and show your face again? Didn't you know your check would bounce because of insufficient funds?" "Oh, sure," smiled the happy customer, "But I just came by to thank you for the best weekend of my life."
Q: When you apply for welfare in Mexico, what does the government give you?
A: A map of the United States.
Satan greets a new arrival in hell by showing him three doors from which the man must choose how he'll spend eternity. Behind the first door, there's a man hanging above a pit of flames. The new guy shakes his head and they move to the second door. Here, there's a man chained to the wall being tortured. Again, the man takes a pass and they go to the third door, where an old man is getting oral gratification from an attractive young woman. "Looks O.K. to me," the man says. "I'll take it!" "Excellent," Satan says. "Lady, your replacement is here."
A married man was visiting his mistress when she requested that he shave his beard. "Oh, James, I like your beard, but I would really love to see your handsome face." James replied, "My wife loves this beard, I couldn't possibly do it, she'd kill me!" "Oh, please?" the girlfriend asked again, in a sexy little voice. "Oh, really, I can't," he replies. "My wife loves this beard!" The girlfriend asked once more, and he sighs and finally gives in. That night, James crawls into bed with his wife while she's sleeping. The wife is awakened somewhat, feels his face and replies, "Oh, Michael, you shouldn't be here, my husband will be home soon."
After hearing a shot, Hank ran next door and found his friend Tony crying. "Say, what's wrong?" Hank asked. Tony sobbed, "I had to shoot my dog." Hank said, "My God! Was he mad?" Tony replied, "Well, he wasn't exactly overjoyed."
"Did you fake it this time, darling?" the man asked after making love to his wife. "No, dear," she replied. "This time I really was asleep."
A CAT IN HEAVEN
A cat died and went to heaven. God met her at the gates and said, "You have been a good cat all these years. Anything you want is yours for the asking." The cat thought for a minute and then said, "All my life I lived on a farm and slept on hard wooden floors. I would like a real fluffy pillow to sleep on." God said, "Say no more." Instantly the cat had a huge, fluffy pillow. A few days later, six mice were killed in an accident and they all went to heaven together. God met the mice at the gates with the same offer he'd made to the cat. The mice said, "Well, we have had to run all of our lives: from cats, dogs, and even people with brooms! If we could just have some little roller skates, we would not have to run again." God answered, "It is done." All the mice had beautiful little roller skates. About a week later, God decided to check on the cat. He found her sound asleep on her fluffy pillow. God gently awakened the cat and asked, "Is everything okay? How have you been doing? Are you happy?" The cat replied, "Oh, it is wonderful. I have never been so happy in my life. The pillow is so fluffy, and those little Meals on Wheels you have been sending over are delicious!"
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