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LOBSTER TAIL AND BEER
A cowboy is driving down a back road in Texas. A sign in front of a restaurant reads, "Happy Hour Special: Lobster Tail and Beer." "Hot damn," the cowboy says to himself, "My three favorite things!"
WHEN I GET HOME
Two guys were out walking home from work one afternoon. "Man," the first guy said, "as soon as I get home, I'm gonna rip my wife's panties off!" "What's the rush?" his buddy asked. "The damn elastic in the legs is killing me!"
Recently, a large corporation hired several cannibals to increase their diversity. "You are all part of our team now," said the Human Resources rep during the welcoming briefing. "You get all the usual benefits and you can go to the cafeteria for something to eat, but please don't eat any employees." The cannibals promised they would not. Four weeks later their boss remarked, "You're all working very hard and I'm satisfied with your work. We have noticed a marked increase in the whole company's performance. However, one of our secretaries has disappeared. Do any of you know what happened to her?" The cannibals all shook their heads, "No." After the boss had left, the leader of the cannibals said to the others, "Which one of you idiots ate the secretary?" A hand rose hesitantly. "You fool!" the leader continued, "For four weeks we've been eating managers and no one noticed anything. But no, you had to go and eat someone who actually does something."
Q: What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup?
A: Anyone can roast beef.
A man wanted an attack dog to protect his business, so he visited a kennel that specialized in attack dogs. The man explained to the kennel owner that he wanted the biggest, meanest, most vicious dog in the kennel, and the owner offered to take the man on a tour of the premises. After they had been walking for a few minutes, they came upon a large dog. He was snarling loudly and biting and clawing at the cage. "He looks like he'd be a pretty good attack dog," said the buyer. "Well, he's not bad," replied the owner, "but I have something better in mind for you." They continued walking around the premises, and after a while they found an even larger, meaner dog than the first. He snarled at the two men and tried to bite them through the wire on his cage. "Ah," said the buyer. "This must be the dog you were referring to earlier." "Well, no," said the owner. "I have something better in mind for you." The men continued their tour. Eventually, they came upon a fairly large dog that was lying quietly on his side, licking his butt. He did not seem to notice as the men approached. "This is the dog I had in mind for you," said the owner. The buyer was flabbergasted. "You're joking!" he exclaimed. "This dog seems quite tame. He doesn't act at all like an attack dog at all. Hell, he's just lying there, licking his butt!" "I know, I know," said the owner. "But you see, he just ate a lawyer, and he's trying to get the taste out of his mouth."
Q: How many honest, intelligent, caring men in the world does it take to do the dishes?
A: Both of them.
Today's housekeeping tip: Always keep several get well cards on the mantel. That way, if unexpected guests arrive, they'll think you've been sick and unable to clean.
A girl walked up to the information desk in a hospital and asked to see an "upturn." "I think you mean the intern, don't you?" asked the nurse on duty. "Yes," said the girl. "I want to have a contamination." "You mean examination," the nurse corrected her. "Well, I want to go to the fraternity ward, anyway." "I'm sure you mean the maternity ward." To which the girl replied, "Upturn, intern, contamination, examination, fraternity, maternity what's the difference? All I know is I haven't demonstrated in two months and I think I'm stagnant."
A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying, "Everyone who thinks they're stupid, stand up!" After a few seconds, Little Johnny stood up. The teacher said, "Do you think you're stupid, Johnny?" Little Johnny replied, "No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!"
Q: Why are blonde jokes so short?
A: So men can remember them.
A very flat-chested woman finally decided she needed a bra and set out to the mall in search of one in her size. She entered an upscale department store and approached the saleslady in lingerie, "Do you have a size 28AAAA bra?" The clerk haughtily replied in the negative, so she left the store and proceeded to another department store where she is rebuffed in much the same manner. After a third try at another department store in the mall, she had become disgusted. Leaving the mall, she drove to K-Mart. Marching up to the sales clerk, she unbuttoned and threw open her blouse, yelling, "Do you have anything for this?" The lady looked closely at her and replied, "Have you tried Clearasil?"
Q: Why are blondes so easy to get into bed?
A: Who cares?
A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but mean your mother.
There is an 80-year-old virgin who suddenly gets an itch in her crotch area. She goes to the doctor who checks her out and tells her she has crabs. She explained that she couldn't have crabs because she was a virgin, but the doctor didn't believe her, so she went to get a second opinion. The second doctor gave her the same answer. So she went to a third doctor and said, "Please help me. This itch is killing me and I know that I don't have crabs because I'm a virgin." The doctor checks her out and says, "I have good news and bad news. The good news is you don't have crabs, the bad news is that your cherry rotted and you have fruit flies."
A gang member was holding his 8-month-old baby while his wife was in the kitchen fixing lunch. The baby murmured "mother." The guy gets all excited and hollered to his wife, "Hey, the baby just said half a word!"
Little Billy watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face. "Why do you do that, mommy?" he asked. "To make myself beautiful," said his mother, who then began removing the cream with a tissue. "What's the matter?" asked Billy. "Giving up?"
Q: Why are married women heavier than single women?
A: Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed. Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.
Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very elderly widow and asked, "How old was your husband?" "98," she replied. "Two years older than me." "So you're 96," the undertaker commented. She responded, "Hardly worth going home is it?"
My girlfriend is temperamental90% temper and 10% mental.
An elderly woman from Brooklyn decided to prepare her will. She told her rabbi she had two final requests. First, she wanted to be cremated, and second, she wanted her ashes scattered over Wal-Mart. "Wal-Mart!" the rabbi exclaimed. "Why Wal-Mart?" "Then I'll be sure my daughters visit me twice a week."
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