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A young bride and groom-to-be had just selected their wedding rings. As the young lady admired the plain platinum and diamond band she had chosen for herself, she suddenly looked concerned. "Tell me," she asked the rather elderly salesman, "is there anything special I'll have to do to take care of this ring?" With a fatherly smile, the salesman said, "One of the best ways to protect a wedding ring is to soak it in dishwater."
A man walks into a doctor's office. "What seems to be the problem?" asks the physician. "It's, well, I have five penises," replies the man. "Holy crap!" says the doctor, "How do your pants fit?" "Like a glove."
A blonde walks into a library and says, "Can I have a burger and fries?" The librarian says, "I'm sorry, this is a library." So, the blonde whispers, "Can I have a burger and fries?"
Having a smoking section in a restaurant is like having a peeing section in a swimming pool.
GREAT IN THE WATER
A man met a beautiful blonde lady and decided he wanted to marry her right away. She said, "But we don't know anything about each other." He said, "That's all right, we'll learn about each other as we go along." So she consented, they were married, and off they went on a honeymoon at a very nice resort. One morning they were lying by the pool, when he got up off of his towel, climbed up to the 10 meter board and did a two and a half tuck, followed by three rotations in the pike position, at which point he straightened out and cut the water like a knife. After a few more demonstrations, he came back and lay down on the towel. She said, "That was incredible!" He said, "I used to be an Olympic diving champion. You see, I told you we'd learn more about each other as we went along." So she got up, jumped in the pool and started doing lengths. After 75 lengths she climbed out of the pool, lay down on her towel, and was hardly out of breath. He said, "That was incredible! Were you an Olympic endurance swimmer?" "No," she said, "I was a prostitute in Memphis but I worked both sides of the Mississippi."
Q: What have men and floor tiles got in common?
A: If you lay them properly the first time, you can walk all over them for life.
BACHELORS AND MARRIED MEN
Q. What is the difference between a bachelor and a married man?
A. A bachelor comes home, sees what's in the refrigerator and goes to bed. A married man comes home, sees what's in the bed and goes to the refrigerator.
A doctor and his wife were having a big argument at breakfast. "You aren't so good in bed either!" he shouted and stormed off to work. By mid-morning, he decided he'd better make amends and called home. "What took you so long to answer?" "I was in bed," his wife said. "What were you doing in bed this late?" he asked. She replied, "Getting a second opinion."
ONE OF US
A guy walks into a bar in Arkansas and orders a white wine. Everybody sitting around the bar looks up, surprised, and the bartender looks around and says, "You ain't from around here, are ya? Where ya from, boy?" The guy says, "I'm from Iowa." The bartender asks, "What the heck you do in Iowa?" The guy responds, "I'm a taxidermist." The bartender asks, "A taxidermist? Now just what the heck is a taxidermist?" The guy says nervously, "I mount animals." The bartender grins and shouts out to the whole bar, "It's okay boys, he's one of us!"
A married fellow gets home early from work and hears strange noises coming from the bedroom. He rushes upstairs to find his wife naked on the bed, sweating and panting. "What's up?" he asks. "I'm having a heart attack," cries the woman. He rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as he's dialing, his 4-year-old son comes up and says, "Daddy! Daddy! Uncle Ted's hiding in your closet and he's got no clothes on!" The guy slams the phone down and storms upstairs into the bedroom, past his screaming wife, and rips open the wardrobe door. Sure enough, there is his brother, totally naked, cowering on the closet floor. "You bastard!" says the husband. "My wife's having a heart attack, and all you can do is run around the house naked scaring the kids?"
Q: What's an auditor?
A: Someone who arrives after the battle and bayonets all the wounded.
One day, a mechanical engineer, electrical engineer, chemical engineer, and computer engineer were driving down the street in the same car when it broke down. The mechanical engineer said, "I think a rod broke." The chemical engineer said, "The way it sputtered at the end, I think it's not getting enough gas." The electrical engineer said, "I think there was a spark and something's wrong with the electrical system." All three turned to the computer engineer and said, "What do you think?" The computer engineer said, "I think we should all get out and then get back in."
Q: How does a man know when his wife is losing interest?
A: When her favorite sexual position is next door.
The boss came early in the morning one day and found his manager having sex with his secretary. He shouted at him, "Is this what I pay you for?" The manager replied, "No, sir. This I do free of charge."
Q. How do you know when you're really ugly?
A. Dogs hump your leg with their eyes closed.
IT MUST HAVE HURT
A transsexual was being interviewed on a radio talk show. The host asked the transsexual, "When you became a woman, what sort of pain did you experience during the operation?" The transsexual replied, "Well, when they cut my penis off, that really didn't hurt as much as I thought it would. Then they implanted the silicone implants in my chest, well, that really didn't hurt too much either." "Then you didn't experience any real physical pain at all then?" the host asked. "You're joking! What really hurt was when they removed half my brain and doubled the size of my mouth!"
Q: What's an accountant's idea of trashing his hotel room?
A: Refusing to fill out the guest comment card.
A cop pulls over a woman for speeding and notices her eyes are red. He says, "Ma'am, your eyes look red. Have you been drinking?" The driver replies, "No officer, but your eyes look glazed. Have you been eating doughnuts?"
During a recent vacation in Las Vegas, a man went to see a popular magic show. After one especially amazing feat, a man from the back of the theater yelled, "How'd you do that?" "I could tell you, sir," the magician answered, "But then I'd have to kill you." After a short pause, the man yelled back, "Ok, then, just tell my wife!"
A three-year-old boy went with his dad to see a litter of kittens. On returning home, he breathlessly informed his mother, "There were two boy kittens and two girl kittens." "How did you know?" his mother asked. "Daddy picked them up and looked underneath," he replied. "I think it's printed on the bottom."
POINT TO PONDER
If you have sex with your clone, are you gay or are you masturbating?
A ladder was placed against the bedroom window of a burning house, and a young fireman rushed up. Inside was a curvy brunette in a see-through nightgown. "Aha," said he, "You're the second pregnant girl I've rescued this year!" "But I'm not pregnant," indignantly exclaimed the woman. "You're not rescued yet, either."
An elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%. The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, "Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again." The gentleman replied, "Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!"
The telephone rings in the principal's office at a school. "Hello, this is Dunn Elementary," answers the principal. "Hi. Jimmy won't be able to come to school all next week," replies the voice. "Well, what seems to be the problem with him?" asks the principal. "We are all going on a family vacation," says the voice, "I hope it is all right." "I guess that would be fine," says the principal. "May I ask who is calling?" "Sure. This is my father!"
Q: How did Pinocchio find out he was made of wood?
A: His hand caught fire.
IN MY HAND
"Hello, baby," breathed the obscene phone caller. "If you can guess what's in my hand, I'll give you some." "Listen," said the woman, nonplussed, "If you can hold it in one hand, I'm not interested."
Q. What's the difference between people who pray in church and those who pray in casinos?
A. The ones in the casinos are serious.
A lady and her husband were participating in a blood drive, and as part of the pre-screening process, a volunteer was asking them some questions. "Have you ever paid for sex?" the volunteer asked the husband sweetly. Glancing wearily over at his wife who was trying to calm a new baby and tend to several other children milling around her, he sighed and said, "Yes, every time."
One morning a man came into the church on crutches. He stopped in front of the holy water, put some on both legs, and then threw away his crutches. An alter boy witnessed the scene and then ran into the rectory to tell the priest what he'd just seen. "Son, you've just witnessed a miracle," the priest said. "Tell me, where's this man now?" "Flat on his ass over by the holy water," said the boy.
Q: How is being at a singles bar different than being at the circus?
A: At the circus, the clowns don't talk.
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