BY HOOK OR BY CROOK
An sailor meets a pirate in a bar, and they take turns recounting their adventures at sea. Noting the pirate's peg leg, hook and eye patch, the sailor asks, "So, how did you end up with the peg leg?" The pirate replies, "We was caught in a monster storm off the Cape and a giant wave swept me overboard. Just as they were pulling me out, a school of sharks appeared and one of them bit me leg off." "Wow!" said the sailor. "What about the hook?" "Ah," mused the pirate, "we were boarding a trader ship, pistols blasting and swords swinging this way and that. In the fracas me hand got chopped off." "Zounds!" remarked the seaman. "And how did you come by the eye patch?" "A seagull dropping fell into me eye," answered the pirate. "You lost your eye to a seagull dropping?" the sailor asked incredulously. "Well," said the pirate, "it was me first day with the hook."
A couple had two little boys, ages 8 and 10, who were excessively mischievous. They were always getting into trouble and their parents knew that, if any mischief occurred in their town, their sons were probably involved. They boys' mother heard that a clergyman in town had been successful in disciplining children, so she asked if he would speak with her boys. The clergyman agreed, but asked to see them individually. So the mother sent her 8-year-old first, in the morning, with the older boy to see the clergyman in the afternoon. The clergyman, a huge man with a booming voice, sat the younger boy down and asked him sternly, "Where is God?" They boy's mouth dropped open, but he made no response, sitting there with his mouth hanging open, wide-eyed. So the clergyman repeated the question in an even sterner tone, "Where is God?" Again the boy made no attempt to answer. So the clergyman raised his voice even more and shook his finger in the boy's face and bellowed, "WHERE IS GOD!?" The boy screamed and bolted from the room, ran directly home and dove into his closet, slamming the door behind him. When his older brother found him in the closet, he asked, "What happened?" The younger brother, gasping for breath, replied, "We are in BIG trouble this time, dude. God is missing--and they think WE did it!"
The Mayor of Wiarton runs into the vet's office carrying Wiarton Willie, screaming for help. The vet rushes him back to an examination room and has him put the gopher down on the examination table. The vet examines the still, limp body and after a few moments, tells the Mayor that Willie, regrettably is dead. The Mayor, clearly agitated and not willing to accept this, demands a second opinion. The vet goes into the back room and comes out with a Black Labrador. The Lab sniffs the body, walks from head to tail, and finally looks at the vet and barks. The vet looks at the Mayor and says, "I'm sorry, but the Lab thinks Willie is dead too." The Mayor is still unwilling to accept that Willie is dead. So the vet brings in a Siamese cat and puts the cat down next to the gopher's body. The Siamese sniffs the body, walks from head to tail, poking and sniffing the gopher's body and finally looks at the vet and meows. The vet looks at The Mayor and says, "I'm sorry, but the Siamese thinks that Willie is dead, too." The Mayor, finally resigned to the diagnosis, thanks the vet and asks how much he owes. The vet answers, "$650." "$650 to tell me that Wiarton Willie is dead?!" exclaims the Mayor. "Well," the vet replies, "I would only have charged you $50 for my initial diagnosis. The additional $600 was for the Cat Scan and the Lab Tests."
Ralph was driving home one evening when he suddenly realizes that it's his daughter's birthday and he hasn't bought her a present. He drives to the mall, runs to the toy store and says to the shop assistant, "How much is that Barbie in the window?" In a condescending manner, she says "Which Barbie?" She continues, "We have Barbie Goes to the Gym for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Ball for $19.95, Barbie Goes Shopping for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Beach for $19.95, Barbie Goes Nightclubbing for $19.95, and Divorced Barbie for $265." Ralph asks, "Why is the Divorced Barbie $265 when all the others are only $19.95?" "That's obvious," the sales lady says. "Divorced Barbie comes with Ken's house, Ken's car, Ken's boat, Ken's furniture..."
A guy dies and goes to hell. The devil meets him at the gate and says, "Alright, you have died and come to hell. You will spend eternity here, but you get to choose how to spend it. You may choose one of these three doorways. Once you choose a door, you may not change it. So let's get started." The devil opens Door One. The guy looks in and sees a couple of people standing on their heads on a concrete floor. The guy says, "No way, let's move on." The devil opens Door Two. The guy sees a few more people standing on their heads on a wood floor. The guy says, "No way, let's move on." The devil opens Door Three. The guy sees a bunch of people standing knee-deep in cow manure drinking coffee. The guy says, "Great, this is the one I will chose." The devil says, "OK, wait right here, I will get you some coffee." The guy settles in with his coffee thinking that this isn't so bad. What's the big deal? After about 10 minutes a voice comes over the loud speaker saying, "Coffee break's over. Back on your heads!"
What kind of cheese is not yours? Nacho cheese.
THE EARLY BIRD
Two robins were sitting in a tree. "I'm really hungry", said the first one. "Me, too," said the second. "Let's fly down and find some lunch." They flew to the ground and found a nice plot of plowed ground full of worms. They ate and ate and ate and ate until they could eat no more. "I'm so full I don't think I can fly back up to the tree", said the first robin. "Me, either. Let's just lay here and bask in the warm sun", said the second. They plopped down, basking in the sun. No sooner than they had fallen asleep, a big fat tomcat sneaked up and gobbled them up. As he sat washing his face after his meal, he thought, "I just love baskin' robins."
A wife arriving home after a shopping trip, was horrified to find her husband in bed with a young, lovely thing. Just as she was about to storm out of the house, her husband stopped her with these words: "Before you leave, I want you to hear how this all came about. Driving home, I saw this young girl, looking poor and tired, I offered her a ride. She was hungry, so I brought her home and fed her some of the roast you had forgotten about in the refrigerator. Her shoes were worn-out so I gave her a pair of your shoes that you didn't wear because they were out of style. She was cold so I gave her that new birthday sweater you never wear because the color didn't suit you. Her slacks were worn out so I gave her a pair of yours that you don't fit into anymore. Then as she was about to leave, she paused and asked, Is there anything else that your wife doesn't use anymore?' So, here we are!"
A pastor went out visiting one afternoon. At one house he knocked on the door several times, but no one answered. He could see though the window that the television was on, so he took one of his cards, wrote "Revelations 3:20" on it and put it under the door. ("Behold, I stand at the door and knock; if anyone will open, I will come in.") The following Sunday, a woman handed him a card with her name and the following message: "Genesis 3:10". ("I heard thy voice and I was naked, so I hid myself.")