A businessman from Wisconsin went on a business trip to Louisiana. Upon arrival, he immediately plugged his laptop into the hotel room port and sent a short e-mail back home to his wife, Jennifer Johnson, at her address, JennJohn@world.net. Unfortunately, in his haste, he mistyped a letter and the e-mail ended up going to JeanJohn@world.net, a Jean Johnson in Duluth, the wife of a preacher who had just passed away and was buried that day. The preacher's wife took one look at the E-mail and promptly fainted. It read, "Arrived safely, but it sure is hot down here!"
Two guys were walking their dogs. One has a German Shepherd and the other has a Chihuahua. The man with the Shepherd suggested going into a bar for a drink. The other man says, "They're not going to let dogs into the bar." And the first guy says, "No? Watch this." He puts on dark glasses, acts like the Shepherd is a seeing-eye dog, walks into the bar and orders a drink--no one says a word. The second guy takes out some dark glasses, slips them on, and walks his Chihuahua into the bar. The bouncer says, "Sorry, we don't allow dogs in here." The man replies, "It's okay, it's my seeing-eye dog." The bouncer laughs and says, "This Chihuahua is your seeing-eye dog?" The man gasps "They gave me a Chihuahua?"
There was once a Scotsman and an Englishman who lived next door to each other. The Scotsman owned a hen and each morning would look in his garden and pick up one of his hen's eggs for breakfast. One day he looked into his garden and saw that the hen had laid an egg in the Englishman's garden. He was about to go next door when he saw the Englishman pick up the egg. The Scotsman ran up to the Englishman and told him that the egg belonged to him because he owned the hen. The Englishman disagreed because the egg was laid on his property. They argued for a while until finally the Scotsman said, "In my family we normally solve disputes by the following actions: I kick you in the balls and time how long it takes you to get back up, then you kick me in the balls and time how long it takes for me to get up, whomever gets up quicker wins the egg." The Englishman agreed to this and so the Scotsman found his heaviest pair of boots and put them on, he took a few steps back, then ran toward the Englishman and kicked as hard as he could in the balls. The Englishman fell to the floor clutching his nuts howling in agony for 30 minutes. Eventually the Englishman stood up and said, "Now it's my turn to kick you." The Scotsman said, "Keep the damn egg."
A hobo comes up to the front door of a neat looking farmhouse and raps gently on the door. When the owner answers, the hobo asks him, "Please, sir, could you give me something to eat? I haven't had a good meal in several days." The owner says, "I have made a fortune in my lifetime by supplying goods for people. I've never given anything away for nothing. However, if you go around the back, you will see a gallon of paint and a clean paint brush. If you will paint my porch, I will give you a good meal." So the hobo goes around back and a while later he again knocks on the door. The owner says, "Finished already? Good. Come on in. Sit down. The cook will bring your meal right in." The hobo says, "Thank you very much, sir. But there's something that I think you should know. It's not a Porch. It's a BMW."
After Quasimodo's death, the bishop of the cathedral of Notre Dame sent word through the streets of Paris that a new bellringer was needed. The bishop decided that he would conduct the interviews personally and went up into the belfry to begin the screening process. After observing several applicants demonstrate their skills, he decided to call it a day when a lone, armless man approached him and announced that he was there to apply for the bellringer's job. The bishop was incredulous. "You have no arms!" "No matter," said the man. "Observe!" He then began striking the bells with his face, producing a beautiful melody on the carillon. The bishop listened in astonishment, convinced that he had finally found a suitable replacement for Quasimodo. Suddenly, rushing forward to strike a bell, the armless man tripped, and plunged headlong out of the belfry window to his death in the street below. The stunned bishop rushed downstairs. When he reached the street, a crowd had gathered around the fallen figure, drawn by the beautiful music they had heard only moments before. As they silently parted to let the bishop through, one of them asked, "Bishop, who was this man?" "I don't know his name," the bishop sadly replied, "but his face rings a bell."
The following day, despite the sadness that weighed heavily on his heart due to the unfortunate death of the armless campanologist (now there's a trivia question), the bishop continued his interviews for the bellringer of Notre Dame. The first man to approach him said, "Your excellency, I am the brother of the poor, armless wretch that fell to his death from this very belfry yesterday. I pray that you honor his life by allowing me to replace him in this duty." The bishop agreed to give the man an audition, and as the armless man's brother stooped to pick up a mallet to strike the first bell, he groaned, clutched at his chest and died on the spot. Two monks, hearing the bishop's cries of grief at this second tragedy, rushed up the stairs to his side. "What has happened?" the first breathlessly asked, "Who is this man?" "I don't know his name," sighed the distraught bishop, "but he's a dead ringer for his brother."
A rather shapely young lady spent almost all of her vacation sunbathing on the roof of her hotel. She wore a bathing suit the first day but, on the second, she decided that no one could see her way up there, and she totally undressed for an all-over tan. She'd hardly begun when she heard someone running up the stairs; she was lying on her stomach, so she just pulled a towel over her rear. "Excuse me, miss," said the flustered little assistant manager of the hotel, out of breath from running up the stairs. "The Oceanic Hotel doesn't mind you sunbathing on the roof, but we would very much appreciate you wearing a bathing suit as you did yesterday." "What difference does it make," she asked rather calmly. "No one can see me up here, and besides, I'm covered with a towel." "Not exactly," said the embarrassed little man. "You're lying on the dining room skylight."
A guy hears a knock on his door, opens it up and sees a snail. He picks the snail up and throws it across the yard. Four years later, he hears a knock at the door, opens it up and sees the snail. Snail says, "What was THAT all about?"
Once there was this city boy who wanted to go country, so he headed out to a farm to buy some animals. "I'll take one of these," he said to the farmer. "What is it?" "Well, to me it's a cock, but to you it's a rooster," said the farmer. "I'll take one of these, too," said the city boy. "What is it?" "Well, to me it's a pullet, but to you it's a chicken," replied the farmer. "Okay," said the city boy. "And I'll take one of those, too, if you'll tell
me what it is." "To me it's an ass, but to you it's a mule," explained the farmer, "and when that ass gets stubborn, it sits down and you have to scratch it's belly to get it moving again." So the city boy set off down the road with all his new purchases. He was doing fine till a pretty girl drove by, at which point the ass sat down and refused to budge. Seeing he as having some trouble, the girl backed up and asked if there was anything she could do to help. "Actually, yes," said the city boy. "Will you hold my cock and pullet while I scratch my ass?"
A DAY'S WORK
God is talking to one of his angels. He says, "Boy, I just created a 24-hour period of alternating light and darkness on Earth." The angel says, "What are you going to do now?" God says, "Call it a day."
PUNCTUATING A POINT
An English professor wrote the words, "Woman without her man is nothing" on the blackboard and directed his students to punctuate it correctly. The men wrote: "Woman, without her man, is nothing." The women wrote: "Woman! Without her, man is nothing."
WHAT'S IN A NAME?
An old Scotsmen is sitting with a younger Scottish gentleman and says the boy. "Ah, lad look out that window. You see that stone wall there, I built it with me own bare hands...But do they call me MacGregor the wall builder? No! And look out on that lake at that beautiful pier. I built it meself, laid every board and hammered each nail but do they call me MacGregor the pier builder? No! And lad, you see that road? That too I build with me own bare hands. Laid every inch of pavement meself, but do they call MacGregor the road builder? No!" Again he returns to his beer for a few sips, then says, "Agh, but you screw one sheep..."
A VOICE FROM ABOVE
An explorer in the deepest Amazon suddenly finds himself surrounded by a bloodthirsty group of natives. Upon surveying the situation, he says quietly to himself, "Oh God, I'm screwed." The sky darkens and a voice booms out, "No, you are NOT screwed. Pick up that stone at your feet and bash in the head of the chief standing in front of you." So with the stone he bashes the life out of the chief. Standing above the lifeless body, breathing heavily looking at 100 angry natives. The voice booms out again, "Okay, NOW you're screwed."
WE THREE ENGINEERS
Three engineering students were gathered together discussing the possible designers of the human body. One said, "It was a mechanical engineer. Just look at all the joints." Another said, "No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous systems many thousands of electrical connections." The last said, "Actually it was a civil engineer. Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?"
THE SMART DUCK
A duck walks into a store and asks the cashier: "Do you have any paddles?" Cashier: "No." The duck repeats: "Do you have any paddles?" Cashier: "No!" The duck asks again, "Do you have any paddles?" "NO!" the cashier shouts. Once again the duck asks "Do you have any paddles?" Fed up, the cashier shouts angrily "No! And if you ask me again, I'll nail your foot to the floor." So the duck walks out. The next day the duck goes to the store and stands in the doorway and asks "Do you have any nails?" The cashier says "no." The duck says "Good, do you have any paddles?"
A man is having drinks at a bar when he looks over and notices a drunk guy passed out at a table nearby. The bartender tells him the drunk is Mr. Murphy and asks the man if he could drive Mr. Murphy home. Being a good samaritan, the man agrees. The bartender writes down the address and gives it to him. The man walks over and tries to wake Mr. Murphy but he's obviously quite drunk. The man helps Mr. Murphy to his feet and Mr. Murphy falls to the floor in a heap. "Jeez," the man says wondering how anyone could drink so much. He takes Murphy and practically drags him out to the car. Once there he leans him against the side of his car while he looks for his keys. Mr. Murphy slides down to the ground. The man finds his keys and manages to get Murphy positioned in the car. He then drives to the address the bartender gave him. He opens the passenger door and helps Mr. Murphy out and the guy falls to the ground. Cursing softly, now, the man helps him to his feet and practically drags him to the front door. He lets go of Mr. Murphy to knock on the door and the guy falls down again. He helps him to his feet as Mrs. Murphy answers the door. "Hi, Mrs. Murphy, Your husband had a little too much to drink tonight so I gave him a ride home." "That was nice of you," she says, looking around, "But where's his wheelchair?"
A man was sitting on a bench in the mall when a young man with spiked hair came over and sat down beside him. The boy's hair was yellow and green and orange and purple. He had black makeup around his eyes. The man just stared at him. The boy said, "What's the matter, old man, haven't you ever done anything wild in your life?" The man answered, "Well yes actually, I have. I once got drunk and had sex with a parrot. I was just wondering if you were my son!
Mickey was in a bar having a drink, and eyeing the very sexy barmaid. He slapped a ten spot on the table and said, "I bet I can keep an eye on this drink while I go to the bathroom." She knew the bathroom was around the corner so she accepted the bet. He took his glass eye out, placed it beside the drink and went to the bathroom. "Bet you I can bite my own ear," Mickey challenged next. The bet was accepted. He took out his false teeth and nipped his ear. Once more he scooped up the money. "Okay," he said, "I'll give you a chance to win your money back. I bet I can make love to you so tenderly you won't feel a thing." She thought for a minute, then accepted the bet. Mickey lifted her skirt began making love to her. "I can feel you," she giggled. "Oh, well," he moaned, "You win some, you lose some!"
A man had a ticket for the theater but when the usher seated him he discovered he was too far from the stage. He whispered to the usher, "This is a mystery play, and I have to watch a mystery close up. Get me a better seat, and I'll give you a handsome tip." The usher moves him into the second row, and the man hands the usher a quarter. The usher looks at the quarter, frowns at him, then leans over and whispers, "The wife did it."
A couple had been married for 25 years and also celebrated their 60th birthdays. During the celebration a fairy appeared and said that because they had been such a loving couple all those years, she would give them one wish each. The wife wanted to travel around the world. The fairy waved her wand and boom! She had the tickets in her hand. Next, it was the husband's turn. He paused for a moment, then said shyly, "Well, I'd like to have a woman 30 years younger than me." The fairy picked up her wand and boom! He was 90.
LIGHT OF GOD
Old George went for his annual physical. All his tests came back with normal results. Dr. Smith said, "George, everything looks great physically. How are you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with yourself, and do you have a good relationship with your God?" George replied, "God and me are tight. He knows I have poor eyesight, so he's fixed it so that when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom POOF the light goes on when I pee, and then POOF the light goes off when I'm done." "Wow," commented Dr. Smith, "that's incredible!" A little later in the day Dr. Smith called George's wife. "Thelma," he said, "George is just fine. But, I had to call because I'm in awe of his relationship with God. Is it true that he gets up during the night and POOF the light goes on in the bathroom, and then POOF the light goes off?" Thelma exclaimed, "That old fool! He's peeing in the refrigerator again!"
A truck driver stopped at a roadside diner for lunch. He ordered a cheeseburger, coffee and a slice of apple pie. As he was about to eat, three motorcycles pulled up outside. The bikers came in, and one grabbed the trucker's cheeseburger and took a bite from it. The second one drank the trucker's coffee, and the third wolfed down the apple pie. The Truck driver didn't say a word. He simply got up, paid the cashier, and left. When he was gone, one of the motorcyclists said, "He ain't much of a man, is he?" "He's not much of a driver, either," the cashier replied, "He just backed his truck over three motorcycles."
A man decides to have a facelift for his birthday. He spends $5,000 and feels really good about the result. On his way home he pops into a convenience store. He asks the clerk, "I hope you don't mind me asking, but how old do you think I am?" "About 35," was the reply. "I'm actually 47 years old," the man says, feeling really happy. After that he goes into a donut shop to celebrate. Before leaving, he asks the bartender the same question as before, to which the reply is "Oh, you look about 29." This makes him feel really good. While standing at the bus stop he asks an old woman the same question. She replies, "I am 85 years old and my eyesight is going. But when I was young there was a sure way of telling a mans age. If I put my hand down your trousers and play with your jewels for ten minutes I will be able to tell your exact age." Since there was nobody around the man thought what the hell and let her slip her hand down his trousers. Ten minutes later the old lady says, "You are 47 years old." Stunned the man says, "That was brilliant. How did you do that?" The old lady replies, "I was behind you in the donut shop."
HORSE FOR SALE
An old farmer is outside for a walk around his land when he sees a sign on his neighbor's lawn: "Horse for Sale." Curious, he decides to have a look see. As he approaches his neighbor's stable, he sees his old Italian friend brushing down a fine looking stallion. "Hello friend, I saw your sign out there and came over to see your horse for sale." The Italian farmer speaks very poor English, but manages to answer well enough. "Yep, yep, disa horse for-a sale." "Hes a fine horse," says the old farmer, "Why would you sell him?" "Well," sighs the Italian farmer, "He no looka so good anymore." The old farmer, convinced that his neighbor has lost his mind, makes the sale and leads the horse across his field over to the stable. As he taps the horse gently on the back to coax him into the stable, he watches as the horse misses the door completely and smacks head-first into the wall. "That ol' cheat sold me a near blind horse!" growls the old farmer. He proceeds to storm over across the field to give his neighbor a piece of his mind. "You sold me a near blind horse you ol' cheat and you didn't even tell me!" he screams. "Eh! I tolla you!" cries the Italian farmer, "I say, 'he no looka so good anymore!'"
A Navy chief and an admiral were sitting in a barbershop, both finishing up being shaved. The barbers were reaching for some aftershave to slap on their faces. The admiral shouted, "Hey, don't put that stuff on me! My wife will think I've been in a whorehouse!" The chief turned to his barber and said in a smug voice, "Go ahead and put it on. My wife doesn't know what the inside of a whorehouse smells like."