At the end of a job interview, the interviewer asked a young engineer fresh out of MIT what starting salary he was thinking about. The engineer said, "In the neighborhood of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package." The interviewer said, "Well, what would you say to a package of five weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every two yearssay, a red Corvette?" The Engineer sat up straight and said, "Wow! Are you kidding?" The interviewer replied, "Yeah, but you started it."
PASSAGE INTO HEAVEN
A woman died and found herself outside the Pearly Gates being greeted by St. Peter. She asked him, "Oh, is this place what I really think it is? Did I really make it to heaven?" St. Peter replied, "Yes. But you must do one more thing before you can enter." The woman asked St. Peter what she must do to pass through. "Spell a word," St. Peter replied. "What word?" she asked. "Any word," answered St. Peter. "It's your choice." The woman promptly replied, "Then the word I will spell is love. L-O-V-E." St. Peter congratulated her on her good fortune to have made it to Heaven, and asked her if she would mind taking his place at the gates for a few minutes while he ran an errand. "I'd be honored," she said, "but what should I do if someone comes while you are gone? St. Peter reassured her, and instructed the woman simply have any newcomers to the Pearly Gates to spell a word as she had done. So the woman waits when, lo and behold, a man approaches the gates, and she realizes it is her husband. "What happened?" she cried, "Why are you here?" Her husband said, "I was so upset when I left your funeral, I was in an accident. And now I am here? Did I really make it to Heaven?" To which the woman replied, "Not yet. You must spell a word first." "What word?" he asked. The woman responded, "Czechoslovakia."
ANOTHER JOKE ABOUT WISHES
Three women were out golfing one day and one of them hit her ball into the woods. She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap. The frog said to her, "If you release me from this trap, I will grant you three wishes." The woman freed the frog and the frog said, "Thank you, but I failed to mention that there was a condition to your wishesthat whatever you wish for, your husband will get 10 times more or better!" The woman said, "That would be okay," and for her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world. The frog warned her, "You do realize that this wish will also make your husband the most handsome man in the world, and, that women will flock to." The woman replied, "That will be okay because I will be the most beautiful woman and he will only have eyes for me." So, POOFshe's the most beautiful woman in the world! For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world. The frog said, "That will make your husband the richest man in the world and he will be ten times richer than you." The woman said, "That will be okay because what is mine is his and what is his is mine." So, POOFshe's the richest woman in the world! The frog then inquired about her third wish, and she answered, "I'd like a mild heart attack."
CASE FOR THE FBI
The phone rings at FBI headquarters. "Hello?" "Hello, is this FBI?" "Yes. What do you want?" "I'm calling to report my neighbor Tom. He is hiding marijuana in his firewood." "This will be noted." Next day, the FBI comes over to Tom's house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept, break every piece of wood, find no marijuana, swear at Tom and leave. The phone rings at Tom's house. "Hey, Tom! Did the FBI come?" "Yeah!" "Did they chop your firewood?" "Yeah they did." "Okay, now it's your turn to call. I need my garden plowed."
UNSAFE AT ANY SPEED
A young couple were making passionate love in a van which was complete with shag carpets and a double mattress. Suddenly, the kinky girl yelled out, "Oh, big boy, whip me, whip me!" The man didn't want to pass up this unique opportunity. So, in a flash of inspiration, he opened the window and snapped the aerial from the hood of the van. He then proceeded to whip her until they both collapsed in sadomasochistic ecstasy. A week later, the girl noticed that the marks left by the kinky sex were beginning to fester, so she went to the doctor. The doctor took one look at her wounds and said, "I don't suppose you got these marks while having kinky sex." The embarrassed girl admitted, "Yes, they are." The doctor nodded and remarked, "I thought so, because in all my years of doctoring I've never seen such a bad case of van aerial disease."
Four women are in a retirement home talking about their sons and playing bridge. The first one says her son's a lawyer and he's so rich, he bought two Porsches, one for himself, and one for his best friend. The second woman says her son is a doctor and is so rich, he bought two speedboats, one for himself, and one for his best friend. The third woman says that her son is the CEO of a computer company and is so rich, that he bought two mansions, one for himself and one for his best friend. Then all three of the woman turn to Edna, the last one. Edna says, "My son is a homosexual and doesn't have to do anything because his boyfriends gave him a Porsche, speedboat and a mansion."
A man was sued by a woman for defamation of character. She charged that he had called her a pig. The man was found guilty and fined. After the trial he asked the judge, "This means that I cannot call Mrs. Johnson a pig?" The judge said that was true. "Does this mean I cannot call a pig Mrs. Johnson?" the man asked. The judge replied that he could indeed call a pig Mrs. Johnson with no fear of legal action. The man looked directly at Mrs. Johnson and said, "Good afternoon, Mrs. Johnson."
A LITTLE HELP
A priest is walking down the street one day when he notices a very small boy trying to press a doorbell on a house across the street. However, the boy is very small and the doorbell is too high for him to reach. After watching the boys efforts for some time, the priest moves closer to the boy's position. He steps smartly across the street, walks up behind the little fellow and, placing his hand kindly on the child's shoulder leans over and gives the doorbell a solid ring. Crouching down to the child's level, the priest smiles benevolently and asks, "And now what, my little man?" To which the boy replies, "Now we run!"
A penguin is driving through the desert and his car breaks down. He calls AAA. His car is towed to the nearest garage and the mechanic says he'll need a couple of hours to check out the car. The penguin, being a good-natured bird, doesn't complain, but wanders off to find the closest supermarket. He proceeds to the frozen foods section, gets into the freezer and eats a few gallons of vanilla ice cream to kill some time. Later, covered with ice cream, he goes back to see the mechanic. The mechanic, wiping his hands, walks over to the penguin, shaking his head saying, "It looks like you blew a seal." Blushing, the penguin said, "Oh, no, reallyit's just ice cream."
A sister and brother are talking to each other when the little boy gets up and walks over to his Grandpa and says, "Grandpa, please make a frog noise." The Grandpa says, "No." The little boy goes on, "Please, please make a frog noise." The Grandpa says, "No, now go play." The little boy then says to his sister, "Go tell Grandpa to make a frog noise." So the little girl goes to her Grandpa and says, "Please make a frog noise." The Grandpa says, "I just told your brother no and I'm telling you no." The Grandpa says, "But tell me, why do you want me to make a frog noise?" The little girl replied, "Because mommy said when you croak we can go to Disney World!"
A blonde was walking along a river when she noticed another blonde on the opposite bank. She yells, "How do I get to the other side of the river?" The second blonde replies, "You ARE on the other side...."
A tipsy guy gets on a bus in Ireland and asks the driver how long the trip is between Limerick and Cork. "About two hours," says the conductor. "OK," says the guy "then how long is the trip between Cork and Limerick?" The irate driver says to him: "It's still about two hours. Why'd you think there'd be a difference?" "Well," says the man, "It's only a week between Christmas and New Year, but it's a Helena long time between New Years and Christmas!"
REASON FOR DIVORCE
The other day at work I ran into Tom. We chatted over lunch and he dropped a bombshell on me. "Rodney," he said, "Becky and I are going to get a divorce." I was stunned. "Why? What happened, you two seem so happy together." "Well," he said, "ever since we got married, my wife has tried to change me. She got me to stop drinking, smoking, running around at all hours of the night and more. She taught me how to dress well, enjoy the fine arts, gourmet cooking, classical music and how to invest in the stock market." "Are you a little bitter because she spent so much time trying to change you." I probed. "Nah, I'm not bitter. Now that I'm so improved, she just isn't good enough for me."
THE BIG WISH
A man was walking along a beach and stumbled across an old lamp. He picked it up, rubbed it and out popped a Genie. The Genie said, "O.K., O.K.! You released me from the lamp, blah, blah, blah. This is the fourth time this month and I am getting sick of these wishes, so you can forget about getting three wishes. You get just one wish!" The man sat and thought about it for awhile and said, "I've always wanted to go to Hawaii, but I'm scared to fly and I get very seasick. Could you build me a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over there to visit. The Genie laughed and said, "That's impossible. Think of the logistics! How would the supports ever reach the bottom of the Pacific? Think how much concrete...how much steel! No, think of another wish." The man said "O.K." and tried to think of a really good wish. Finally, he said "I've been married and divorced four times. My wives always said I don't care and that I'm insensitive. I wish I could understand women, know how they feel inside and what they're thinking when they give me the silent treatment, know why they're crying, what they really want, know how to make them truly happy..." The Genie said, "You want that bridge two lanes or four?"
YOU KNOW IT'S GOING TO BE A BAD WHEN...
your twin sister forgets your birthday.
you put your bra on backwards and it fits better.
your birthday cake collapses from the weight of the candles.
you want to put on the clothes you wore home from the party, and there aren't any.
you wake up to discover that your water bed broke and then you realize that you don't have a water bed.
your horn goes off accidentally and remains stuck as you follow a group of Hell's Angels on the freeway.
A young blonde woman said to her doctor, "You have to help me, I hurt all over!" "What do you mean?" said the doctor. The woman touched her right knee with her index finger and yelled, "Ow, that hurts!" Then she touched her left cheek and again yelled, "Ouch! That hurts, too!" Then she touched her right earlobe. "Ow, even THAT hurts!" The doctor asked the woman, "Are you a natural blonde?" "Why yes!" she said. "I thought so," said the doctor. "You have a sprained finger."
This lady approaches a priest and tells him, "Father, I have a problem. I have these two talking parrots, but they only know how to say one thing." "What do they say?" the priest asked. "They only know how to say, 'Hi, we're prostitutesdo you want to have some fun?'" "That's terrible!" the priest exclaimed. "I do have a solution to your problem. Bring your two talking female parrots over to my house and I will put them with my two male talking parrots who I have taught to pray and read the Bible, then my parrots will teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible phrase and your female parrots will learn to pray and worship." "Thank you." said the lady. So the next day, the lady brings her female parrots to the priest's house. The priest's two male parrots are holding rosary beads and praying in their cage. The lady put her female talking parrots in with the male talking parrots and the female parrots said, "Hi, we're prostitutes! Do you want to have some fun?" One male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and screams, "Put your Bible away Frank, our prayers have been answered!"
IT'S ALL RELATIVE
Three old men were sitting around talking about who had the worst health problems. The 70-year-old said, "Have I got a problem. Every morning I get up at 7:30 and have to urinate, but I have to stand at the toilet for an hour because my pee barely trickles out." "Heck, that's nothing" said the 80-year-old. "Every morning at 8:30 I have to take a dump, but I have to sit on the can for hours because of my constipation. It's terrible." The 90-year-old said, "You guys think you have problems. Every morning at 7:30 I whiz like a racehorse, and at 8:30 I take a dump like a pig." The 80-year-old looked at the 70-year-old, then looked back at the 90-year-old incredulously and asked, "So what's your problem?" "I don't wake up till eleven," he replied.
The Mafia was looking for a new man to make weekly collections from all the private businesses that they were protecting. Feeling the heat from the police force, they decided to use a deaf person for the job. That way, if he were to get caught, he wouldn't be able to communicate with the police. On his first week, the deaf collector picked up over $40,000. He became greedy, decided to keep the money and stashed it in a safe place. The Mafia soon realized that their collection was late and sent some of their hoods after the deaf collector. The hoods found the deaf collector and asked him where the money was. Of course, the deaf collector couldn't communicate with them, so the Mafia dragged the guy to an interpreter. The Mafia hood said to the interpreter, "Ask him where da money is." The interpreter signed, "Where's the money?" The deaf man replied, "I don't know what you're talking about." The interpreter told the hood, "He says he doesn't know what you're talking about." The hood pulled out a .38 and placed it in the ear of the deaf collector. "Now ask him where da money is." The interpreter signed, "Where is the money?" The deaf guy replied, "The $40,000 is in a tree stump in Central Park." The interpreter's eyes lit up and he said to the hood, "He says he still doesn't know what you're talking about and that you don't have the guts to pull the trigger."
Farmer Joe decided his injuries from the accident were serious enough to take the trucking company (responsible for the accident) to court. In court the trucking companies fancy lawyer was questioning Joe. Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident, "I'm fine," said the lawyer. Farmer Joe responded, "Well I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite mule Bessie into the..." "I didn't ask for any details," the lawyer interrupted, "just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!'" Farmer Joe said, "Well I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road..." The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client." I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question." By this time the Judge was fairly interested in Farmer Joe's answer and said to the lawyer, "I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favorite mule Bessie." Joe thanked the Judge and proceeded, "Well as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into the trailer and was driving her down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurting real bad and didn't want to move. However, I could hear ole Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans. Shortly after the accident a Highway Patrolman came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes. Then the Patrolman came across the road with his gun in his hand and looked at me. He said, "Your mule was in such bad shape I had to shoot her. How are you feeling?"