A young man was walking through a supermarket to pick up a few things when he noticed an old lady following him around. Thinking nothing of it, he ignored her and continued on. Finally he went to the checkout line, but she got in front of him. "Pardon me," she said, "I'm sorry if my staring at you has made you feel uncomfortable. It's just that you look just like my son, who just died recently." "I'm very sorry," replied the young man, "is there anything I can do for you?" "Yes," she said, "As I'm leaving, can you say 'Good bye, Mother'? It would make me feel so much better." "Sure," answered the young man. As the old woman was leaving, he called out, "Goodbye, Mother!" As he stepped up to the checkout counter, he saw that his total was $127.50. "How can that be?" He asked, "I only purchased a few things!" "Your mother said that you would pay for her," said the clerk.
A fundamentalist Christian couple felt it important to own an equally fundamentally Christian pet. So, they went shopping. At a kennel specializing in this particular breed, they found a dog they liked quite a lot. When they asked the dog to fetch the Bible, he did it in a flash. When they instructed him to look up Psalm 23, he complied equally fast, using his paws with dexterity. They were impressed, purchased the animal, and went home. That night they had friends over. They were so proud of their new fundamentalist dog and his major skills, they called in the dog and showed off a little. The friends were impressed and asked whether the dog was able to do any of the usual dog tricks as well. This stopped the couple cold, as they hadn't thought about "normal" tricks. Well, they said. "Let's try this out." Once more they called the dog and they clearly pronounced the command, "Heel!" Quick as a wink, the dog jumped up, put his paw on the man's forehead, closed his eyes in concentration and bowed his head.
Two guys are walking through the woods and come across this big deep hole. "Wow, that looks deep." "Sure does, toss a few pebbles in there and see how deep it is." They pick up a few pebbles and throw them in and wait...no noise. "Jeeez. That is REALLY deep. Here, throw one of these great big rocks down there. Those should make a noise." They pick up a couple football-sized rocks and toss them into the hole and wait...and wait. Nothing. They look at each other in amazement. One gets a determined look on his face and says, "Hey...over here in the weeds, there's a railroad tie. Help me carry it over here. When we toss THAT sucker in, it's GOTTA make some noise." The two drag the heavy tie over to the hole and heave it in. Not a sound comes from the hole. Suddenly, out of the nearby woods, a goat appears, running like the wind. It rushes toward the two men, then right past them, running as fast as it's legs will carry it. Suddenly it leaps in the air and into the hole. The two men are astonished with what they've just seen. Then, out of the woods comes a farmer who spots the men and ambles over. "Hey, you guys seen my goat?" "You bet we did! Craziest thing I ever seen. It came running like crazy and just jumped into this hole!" "Nah," says the farmer, "That couldn't have been MY goat. My goat was chained to a railroad tie."
This bishop invites a young priest over for dinner. During the meal, the priest can't help noticing how attractive and shapely the housekeeper is. Over the course of the evening he starts to wonder if there's more between the bishop and the housekeeper than meets the eye. Reading the young priest's thoughts, the bishop volunteers, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, my relationship with my housekeeper is purely professional." About a week later the housekeeper comes to the bishop and says, "Excellency, ever since the young Father came to dinner, I've been unable to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. You don't suppose he took it, do you?" The bishop says, "Well, I doubt it, but I'll write him a letter just to be sure." So he sits down and writes: "Dear Father, I'm not saying that you 'did' take a gravy ladle from my house, and I'm not saying you 'did not' take a gravy ladle. But the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner." Several days later the bishop receives a letter from the young priest, which reads: "Your Excellency, I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with your housekeeper, and I'm not saying that you 'do not' sleep with your housekeeper. But the fact remains that if you were sleeping in your own bed, you would have found the gravy ladle by now."
THE GOLDFISH FUNERAL
Billy was in the garden filling in a hole when his neighbor peered over the fence. Interested in what the cheeky-faced youngster was up to, he politely asked, "What are you up to, Billy?" "My goldfish died," replied Billy tearfully, without looking up, "and I've just buried him." The neighbor was concerned, "That's an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn't it?" Tim patted down the last heap of earth then replied, "That's because he's inside your stupid cat."
MOWING THE GRASS
One Saturday afternoon, a man was sitting in his lawn chair drinking beer and watching his wife mow the lawn. A neighbor lady was so outraged at this, she came over and shouted at the man, "You should be hung!" To which he calmly replied, "I am. That's why she cuts the grass!"
John asks his wife, Mary what she wants to celebrate their 40th wedding anniversary. "Would you like a new mink coat?" he asks. "Not really," says Mary. "Well how about a new Mercedes sports car?" says John. "No," she responds. "What about a new vacation home in the country?" he suggests. She again rejects his offer, "No, thanks." "Well, then, what would you like for your anniversary?" John asks. "John, I'd like a divorce," answers Mary. "Sorry, I wasn't planning to spend that much," says John.
TEN SPEED BIKE
Bobby wants a ten speed bike for Christmas so Bobby goes and tells his mother. His mother says "Oh, Bobby, things have been hard since your father got laid off, I don't think we can afford it, but if you pray really hard, maybe there will be a way. But there really isn't any way we can afford it." So, Bobby goes to his room and sits down to write a letter to God. "Dear God, if you make sure I get my ten speed bike for Christmas, I will do the dishes every night, do my homework every day, take the garbage out, and go to the store every time my mother asks me." He rereads the letter over and thinks to himself "Gosh, that's way too much work!" So Bobby writes another letter to God: "Dear God, if you make sure I get my ten speed bike for Christmas, I will do the dishes three times a week and do my homework all the time." Bobby rereads the letter again and thinks, "That's still too much work." Bobby gets really upset as he tries to think of a way he can get his bike without doing all this work, and suddenly he gets an idea. All excited, Bobby runs down to the living room where his mother has set up a nativity set and he takes the baby Jesus out of the manger, wraps it really lovingly in a cloth and takes him up to his room. Bobby then sits down and writes a letter to God "Dear God, if you ever want to see your son again..."
A traveling salesman visits to a small town in the Midwest and sees a circus banner reading, "Don't miss the Amazing Goldstein!" Curious, he buys a ticket and sits through the usual circus acts--animals, clowns, contortionists and other acts. Finally, the trumpets blare and all eyes turn to the center ring. There, in the middle of the ring, is a table with three walnuts on it. In comes a little old Jewish man, five feet tall and barely able to walk to the table. He unzips his pants and whips out his remarkable member and proceeds to smash all three walnuts with three swings! The crowd erupts in thunderous applause as the elderly Goldstein is carried off on the shoulders of clowns. Twenty years later the salesman visits the same little town and he sees a faded sign for the same circus and the same "Don't miss the Amazing Goldstein." He can't believe the old guy is still alive much less still doing his act. Again he buys a ticket sits through the acts and again the center ring is illuminated. This time three coconuts are on the table and old Goldstein takes forever to make it to the table. He smashes the coconuts with three swings of his amazing weapon and the crowd goes crazy! The salesman requests a meeting with him after the show. In his dressing room, he tells him he's never seen anything like the act, but he wants to know why he's now smashing coconuts instead of the much easier walnuts. "Vell," says Goldstein, "my eyes aren't vhat they used to be!"
MOVING TO VEGAS
A man came home from work one day to find his wife sitting on the front porch with her bags packed. He asked her where she was going and she replied "I'm going to Las Vegas." He questioned her as to why she was going and she told him "I just found out that I can make $400 a night doing what I give you for free." He pondered that then went into the house and packed his bags and returned to the porch and with his wife. She said "And just where do you think you're going?" He replied "I'm going too!" "Why?" she asked. He answered "I want to see how you are going to live on $800 a year!"
LOOK ME UP
A man went into the proctologist's office for his first exam. The doctor told him to have a seat in the examination room and that he would be with him in just a few minutes. When the man sat down in the examination room, he noticed that there were three items on a stand next to the doctor's desk: a tube of K-Y jelly, a rubber glove, and a beer. When the doctor came in, the man said, "Look Doc, this is my first exam. I know what the K-Y is for, and I know what the glove is for, but what's the beer for?" At that instant, the doctor became noticeably outraged and stormed over to the door. The doc flung the door open and yelled to his nurse, "Dammit, nurse! I said a butt light!"
A husband and wife are in bed watching "Who Wants to Be a Millionaire." The husband asks for sex. The wife says, "No." Her husband asks, "Is that your final answer?" She responds, "Yes." He says, "Then, I'd like to phone a friend."
WHAT'S IN A NAME
A woman came up behind her husband while he was enjoying his morning coffee and slapped him on the back of the head. "I found a piece of paper in your pants pocket with the name Marylou written on it," she said, furious. "You had better have an explanation." "Calm down, honey," the man replied. "Remember last week when I was at the dog track? That was the name of the dog I bet on." The next morning, his wife snuck up on him and smacked him again. "What was that for?" he complained. "Your dog called last night."
LIKE A WOMAN
On a Trans-Atlantic Flight, a plane passes through a severe storm. The turbulence is awful, and things go from bad to worse when one wing is struck by lightning. One woman in particular loses it! Screaming, she stands up in the front of the plane. "I'm too young to die, I want my last minutes on Earth to be memorable! I've had plenty of sex in my life, but no one has ever made me really feel like a woman! Well, I've had it! Is there anyone on this plane who can make me feel like a woman?" For a moment there is silence. Everyone has forgotten their own peril, and they all stare, riveted, at the desperate woman in the front of the plane. Then, a man stands up in the rear of the plane. "I can make you feel like a woman," he says. He's drop-dead gorgeous. Tall, built, with flowing black hair and jet black eyes, he starts to walk slowly up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt one button at a time. No one moves. The woman is breathing heavily in anticipation as the strange man approaches. He removes his shirt. Muscles ripple across his chest as he reaches her, and extends the arm holding his shirt to the trembling woman, and whispers: "Here, iron this."
Q: Who invented the toothbrush?
A: A redneck. If it was invented by anyone else it would have been called a teethbrush.
THE MAN AT THE END OF THE BAR
The bartender was washing his glasses, and an elderly Irishman came in and with great difficulty, hoisted his bad leg over the barstool, pulled himself up painfully, asked for a sip of Irish whiskey. The Irishman looked down the bar and said, "Is that Jesus down there?" The bartender nodded and the Irishman told him to give Jesus an Irish whiskey also. The next patron was an ailing Italian with a hunched back and slowness of movement. He shuffled up to the barstool and asked for a glass of Chianti. He also looked down the bar and asked if that was Jesus sitting down there. The bartender nodded and the Italian said to give Him a glass of Chianti, also. The third patron, a redneck, swaggered in dragging his knuckles on the floor and hollered. "Barkeep, set me up a cold one. Hey, is that God's boy down there?" The barkeep nodded, and the redneck told him to give Jesus a cold one too. As Jesus got up to leave, he walked over to the Irishman and touched him and said, "For your kindness, you are healed!" The Irishman felt the strength come back to his leg, and he got up and danced a jig to the door. Jesus touched the Italian and said, "For your kindness you are healed!" The Italian felt his back straighten and he raised his hands above his head and did a flip out the door. As Jesus walked toward the redneck, the redneck jumped back and exclaimed, "Don't touch me, I'm drawin' disability!"
THREE ELDERLY LADIES
One afternoon three elderly ladies were sitting around a table enjoying tea. One woman said to the others "You know, sometimes I find myself in front of the fridge with a jar of mayonnaise in my hand, and can't remember if I am supposed to put it away or make a sandwich." Another woman chimed in saying "you know, I have the same problem. Sometimes I find myself at the stairway landing and can't remember if I'm going up or coming down." The third woman proclaimed "Well, I'm glad I don't have your problemsknock on wood." She rapped her knuckles on the table three times, then said "Oh, that must be the door, I'll get it!"
A Brit, a Frenchman and a Russian are viewing a painting of Adam and Eve frolicking in the Garden of Eden. "Look at their reserve, their calm," muses the Brit. "They must be British." "Nonsense," the Frenchman disagrees. "They're naked, and so beautiful. Clearly, they are French." "No clothes, no shelter," the Russian points out, "they have only an apple to eat, and they're being told this is paradise. They are Russian."
A circus owner runs an ad for a lion tamer and two young people show up. One is a good looking guy in his mid-20s and the other is a gorgeous blonde about the same age. The circus owner tells them, "I'm not going to sugar coat it. This is one ferocious lion. He ate my last tamer so you both better be good or you're history. Here's your equipment; a chair, a whip, and a gun. Who wants to try out first?" The girl says, "I'll go first." She walks past the chair, the whip and the gun and steps right into the lion's cage. The lion starts to snarl and pant and begins to charge her, so she throws open her coat revealing her beautiful naked body. The lion stops dead in his tracks, sheepishly crawls up to her and starts licking her ankles. He continues to lick her calves, kisses them, and then rests his head at her feet. The circus owner's mouth is on the floor. He remarks, "I've never seen a display like that in my life." He then turns to the young man and asks, "Can you top that?" "No problem," replies the young man, "just get that lion out of the way."
A guy is arrested and brought into court for killing and eating a Bald Eagle. The judge sternly rebukes him for doing this to an endangered species and sentences him to a jail term. The guy pleads with the judge for mercy saying, "Please, your honor! I was starving and I just had to get something to eat or I would have died so I killed and ate the Bald Eagle!" The judge takes pity on him and says, "Well, under the circumstances, I will let you go free. By the way, what did the Bald Eagle taste like?" The guy replies, "Oh, I'd say it tasted a lot like Northern Spotted Owl."
The little old man was very hard of hearing, but had to go to the doctor, so he took his wife. After the examination, the doctor asked for a urine and stool sample, and left the room. "What does he want?" asked the old man. "Just give him your shorts," replied the wife.
Three bulls heard via the grapevine that the rancher was going to bring yet another bull onto the ranch, and the prospect raised a discussion among them. First Bull: "Boys, we all know I've been here five years. Once we settled our differences, we all agreed on which 100 of the cows would be mine. Now, I don't know where this newcomer is going to get HIS cows, but I aint' givin' him any of mine." Second Bull: "That pretty much says it for me, too. I've been here three years and have earned my right to the 50 cows we've agreed are mine. I'll fight 'im till I run him off or kill him, but I'm keeping all my cows!" Third Bull: "I've only been here a year, and so far you guys have only let me have 10 cows to "take care of." I may not be as big as you fellows (yet) but I am young and virile, so I simply must keep all MY cows." They had just finished their big talk when an eighteen-wheeler pulls up in the middle of the pasture with one animal on it: the biggest bull these guys had ever seen! At 4,700 pounds, each step he took toward the ground strained the steel ramp to the breaking point. First Bull: "Ahem...You know, it's actually been some time since I really felt I was doing all my cows justice, anyway. think I can spare a few for our new friend." Second Bull: "I'll have plenty of cows to take care of. I'll stay on the opposite end of the pasture from HIM. I'm certainly not looking for an argument." They look over at their young friend, the third bull, and find him pawing the dirt, shaking his horns and snorting. First Bull: "Son, let me give you some advice real quick. Let him have some of your cows and live to tell about it." Third Bull: "Hell, he can have ALL my cows. I'm just making sure he knows I'M a bull!"
APPLES AND BERRIES
Three men were deserted on an island and were caught by cannibals. The cannibal chief tells the three men they are going to be put on trial, and unless they pass the trial, they would be eaten. For the first part of the trial, the chief told the three men to go into the woods and find 10 of the same fruit and bring them back to the camp. So the three men went into the woods in search of fruit to complete the first part of the trial. The first man came back with 10 apples. The chief explains the second part of the trial. He tells the man to take each piece of fruit he found and shove it up his butt, but while he is doing this, the man can not show any type of expression on his face. The man proceeds with the trial, he gets the first one in and doesn't express any pain. But once he started with the second, he cried out in agony. So the cannibals killed him. The second man comes back with berries. The chief explains the second part of the trial to the man. He takes the berries and starts shoving them up his butt he gets 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8....then bursts out in laughter. So the cannibals killed him. The first two men met in heaven and the first man says to the second man, "You were doing so well and almost got out of there alive, why did you start laughing?" The second guy turns to him and replies, "as I was bent over, I looked over and saw the third man coming back carrying pineapples."
What did the man say when the steamroller ran over his cat? Nothing. He just stood there with a long puss.
A young man goes into a drug store to buy condoms. The pharmacist says the condoms come in packs of three, nine or twelve and asks which the young man wants. "Well," he said, "I've been seeing this girl for a while and she's really hot. I want the condoms because I think tonight's the night. We're having dinner with her parents, and then we're going out. Once she's had me, she'll want me all the time, so you'd better give me the twelve-pack." The young man makes his purchase and leaves. Later that evening, he sits down to dinner with his girlfriend and her parents. He asks if he might give the blessing, and they agree. He begins the prayer, but continues praying for several minutes. The girl leans over and says, "You never told me that you were such a religious person." He leans over to her and says, "You never told me that your father is a pharmacist."
THE POWER OF VASELINE
This guy has always dreamed of owning a Harley Davidson. One day he has finally saved up enough money so he goes down to the dealer. After he picks out the perfect bike, the dealer tells him about an old biker trick that will keep the chrome on his new bike free from rust. The dealer tells him that all he has to do is to keep a jar of Vaseline handy and put it on the chrome before it rains, and everything will be fine. He happily pays for the bike and leaves. A few months later, the young man meets a woman and falls in love. She asks him to come home and meet her parents over dinner. He readily accepts and the date is set. At the appointed time, he picks her up on his Harley and they ride to her parents house. Before they go in, she tells him that they have a family tradition that whoever speaks first after dinner must do the dishes. After a delicious dinner everyone sits in silence waiting for the first person to break the silence and get stuck doing the dishes. After a long 15 minutes, the young man decides to speed things up, so he reaches over and kisses his woman in front of her family. No one says a word. Emboldened, he slips his hand under her blouse and fondles her breasts. Still no one says a word. Finally, he throws her on the table and has sex with her in front of everyone. No one says a word. Now he is getting desperate, so he grabs her mother and throws HER on the table. They have even wilder sex. Still no one speaks. By now he is thinking what to do next when he hears thunder in the distance. His first thought is to protect the chrome on his Harley, so he gets his jacket, reaches in his pocket and pulls out his jar of Vaseline. The father says, "Okay, damnit, I'll do the dishes!"
In the back woods of South Carolina, the redneck's wife went into labor in the middle of the night, and the doctor was called out to assist in the delivery. Since there was no electricity, the doctor handed the father-to-be a lantern and said, "Here, you hold this high so I can see what I'm doing." Soon, a baby boy was brought into the world. "Whoa, there," said the doctor. "Don't be in a rush to put the lantern down. I think there's yet another one to come." Sure enough, within minutes he had delivered a baby girl. "No, no, don't be in a great hurry to be putting down that lantern, it seems there's yet another one in there!" cried the doctor. The redneck scratched his head in bewilderment, and asked the doctor, "Do you think it's the light that's attracting 'em?"
RANDY THE ROOSTER
A farmer has about 200 hens, but no rooster and he wants chicks. So, he goes down the road to the next farmer and asks if he has a rooster. The other farmer says, "Yeah, I've got this great rooster, named Randy--he'll service every chicken you've got. No problem." The rooster is a lot of money, but the farmer decides he'd be worth it, and buys Randy. The farmer takes Randy home, puts him in the barnyard, gives him a pep talk. "Randy, pace yourself. You've got a lot of chickens to service here and you cost me a lot of money. So, take your time," the farmer said. Randy seemed to understand. Randy took off, and in no time he services every hen, not just once but three or four times each. Then Randy bolts out of the hen house, sees a flock of geese, and gets all the geese. Then Randy's up in the pigpen. He's in with the cows. Randy is jumping on every animal the farmer owns. The farmer's distraught, worried that his expensive rooster won't last the day. Sure enough, the farmer goes to bed and wakes up the next day to find Randy sprawled out in the middle of the yard, apparently having exhausted himself to death. Buzzards are circling overhead. The farmer, saddened by loss, shakes his head and says, "Oh, Randy, I told you to pace yourself. I tried to get you to slow down, now look what you've done to yourself." Randy opens one eye, and looks towards the buzzards flying overhead and says, "Shhh, they're getting closer..."