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Quotes About Sex

More memorable quotes about sex!

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A man on a date wonders if he'll get lucky. The woman already knows.
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Monica Piper

"No woman needs intercourse—few women escape it." (Andrea Dworkin)

"A man on a date wonders if he'll get lucky. The woman already knows." (Monica Piper)

"If God had meant us to have group sex, he'd have given us more organs." (Malcolm Bradbury)

"We have reason to believe that man first walked upright to free his hands for masturbation." (Lilly Tomlin)

"The perfect lover is one who turns into a pizza at 4:00 a.m." (Charles Pierce)

"I always thought music was more important than sex—then I thought if I don't hear a concert for a year-and-a-half it doesn't bother me." (Jackie Mason)

"Don’t bother discussing sex with small children. They rarely have anything to add." (Fran Lebowitz)

"You know the worst thing about oral sex? The view." (Maureen Lipman)

"Bigamy? It's having one wife too much. Monogamy? It's the same." (Oscar Wilde)

"I rely on my personality for birth control." (Liz Winston)

"I'm the outdoor type. As soon as a woman mentions commitment, I'm out the door." (Scott Roeben)

"Condoms aren't completely safe. A friend of mine was wearing one and got hit by a bus." (Bob Rubin)

"If sex is such a natural phenomenon, how come there are so many books on how to do it?" (Bette Midler)

"Nothing risqué, nothing gained." (Alexander Woolcott)

"Give a man free hands, and you'll know where to find them." (Mae West)

"It is an infantile superstition of the human spirit that virginity would be thought a virtue and not the barrier that separates ignorance from knowledge." (Voltaire)

"Happiness is watching the TV at your girlfriend's house during a power failure." (Bob Hope)

"It's not true that I had nothing on. I had the radio on." (Marilyn Monroe)

"A terrible thing happened to me last night again—nothing." (Phyllis Diller)

"The follies which a man regrets the most in his life are those which he didn't commit when he had the opportunity." (Helen Rowland)

"Sex is the mathematics urge sublimated." (M.C. Reed)

"Sex is a bad thing because it rumples the clothes." (Jackie Onassis)

"There are times not to flirt. When you're sick. When you're with children. When you're on the witness stand." (Joyce Jillson)

"The only unnatural sex act is that which you cannot perform." (Dr. Alfred Kinsey)

"I like men who have a future and women who have a past." (Oscar Wilde)

"Christ died for our sins. Dare we make his martyrdom meaningless by not committing them?" (Jules Feiffer)

"My girlfriend always laughs during sex—no matter what she's reading." (Steve Jobs)

"A lady is one who never shows her underwear unintentionally." (Lillian Day)

"The important thing in acting is to be able to laugh and cry. If I have to cry, I think of my sex life. If I have to laugh, I think of my sex life." (Glenda Jackson)

"Every animal is sad after coitus except the human female and the rooster." (Claudius Galen)

"Getting married for sex is like buying a 747 for the free peanuts." (Jeff Foxworthy)

"A gentleman is a patient wolf." (Henrietta Tiarks)

"The kiss is a wordless articulation of desire whose object lies in the future, and somewhat to the south." (Lance Morrow)

"I'm too shy to express my sexual needs except over the phone to people I don't know." (Garry Shandling)

"I believe that sex is one of the most beautiful, natural, wholesome things that money can buy." (Steve Martin)

"The Bible contains six admonishments to homosexuals and 362 admonishments to heterosexuals. That doesn't mean that God doesn't love heterosexuals. It's just that they need more supervision." (Lynn Lavner)

"You know that look women get when they want sex? Me, neither." (Drew Carey)

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It isn't premarital sex if you have no intention of getting married.
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Matt Barry

"Sex without love is a meaningless experience, but as meaningless experiences go, it's pretty damned good." (Woody Allen)

"Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand." (Anonymous)

"If it wasn't for pickpockets and frisking at airports I'd have no sex life at all." (Rodney Dangerfield)

"My cousin is an agoraphobic homosexual, which makes it kind of hard for him to come out of the closet." (Bill Kelly)

"As the French say, there are three sexes—men, women and clergymen." (Rev. Sydney Smith)

"I'm a practicing heterosexual, but bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night." (Woody Allen)

"Homosexuality is God's way of insuring that the truly gifted aren't burdened with children." (Sam Austin)

"I can remember when the air was clean and sex was dirty." (George Burns)

"It isn't premarital sex if you have no intention of getting married." (Matt Barry)

"Life is a sexually transmitted disease." (Anonymous)

"Programming is like sex. One mistake and you have to support it for the rest of your life." (Michael Sinz)

"Remember, if you smoke after sex you're doing it too fast." (Woody Allen)

"Sex at age 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope." (George Burns)

"Sex is one of the nine reasons for reincarnation—the other eight are unimportant." (Henry Miller)

"Of the delights of this world, man cares most for sexual intercourse, yet he has left it out of his heaven." (Mark Twain)

"When authorities warn you of the sinfulness of sex, there is an important lesson to be learned. Do not have sex with the authorities." (Matt Groening)

"An intellectual is a person who's found one thing that's more interesting than sex." (Aldous Huxley)

"Is sex dirty? Only if it's done right." (Woody Allen)

"Give me chastity and continence—but not yet." (Saint Augustine)

"Is it not strange that desire should so many years outlive performance?" (Shakespeare)

"Chastity—the most unnatural of all the sexual perversions." (Aldous Huxley)

"Did you ever notice the people who are most adamantly against abortions are people so ugly you wouldn't want to touch them in the first place?" (George Carlin)

"Were kisses all the joys in bed, one woman would another wed." (Shakespeare)

"Writing is like making love. Don't worry about the orgasm, just concentrate on the process." (Isabel Allende)

"I never miss a chance to have sex or appear on television." (Gore Vidal)

"Sexuality is the lyricism of the masses." (Charles Baudelaire)

"From the moment I was six I felt sexy. And let me tell you it was hell, sheer hell, waiting to do something about it." (Bette Davis)

"I used to be Snow White, but I drifted." (Mae West)

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I used to be Snow White, but I drifted.
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Mae West

"I'm a committed bachelor. One of my favorite oxymorons is engagement party." (Scott Roeben)

"Sex is an emotion in motion." (Mae West)

"Graze on my lips; and if those hills be dry, stray lower, where the pleasant fountains lie." (Shakespeare)

"It's been so long since I made love, I can't even remember who gets tied up." (Joan Rivers)

"It's not the men in my life, it's the life in my men." (Mae West)

"Love is not the dying moan of a distant violin. It's the triumphant twang of a bedspring." (S. J. Perlman)

"The ability to make love frivolously is the chief characteristic which distinguishes human beings from the beasts." (Heywood Broun)

"Those who restrain desire, do so because theirs is weak enough to be restrained." (William Blake)

"There is no unhappier creature on earth than a fetishist who yearns for a woman's shoe and has to embrace the whole woman." (Klaus Kraus)

"The prettiest dresses are worn to be taken off." (Jean Cocteau)

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