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Idle Thoughts

They're idle. They're thoughts. Look, it's likely to be the only reading you do this week, so just get on with it, will you?

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I intend to live forever. So far, so good.
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I intend to live forever—so far, so good.

I don't suffer from stress. I'm a carrier.

Not one shred of evidence exists in favor of the idea that life is serious.

Does "anal retentive" have a hyphen?

I love deadlines. I especially like the whooshing sound they make as they go flying by.

Everyone has a right to be stupid, some just abuse the privilege.

Failure is not an option. It comes bundled with the software.

Beer: The reason I get up each afternoon.

Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.

Long ago when men cursed and beat the ground with sticks, it was called witchcraft. Today, it's called golf.

My doctor refused to write me a prescription for Viagra. He said it would be like putting a new flagpole on a condemned building.

I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous.

Please, Lord, let me prove that winning the lottery won't spoil me.

Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly—and for the same reason.

Marriage. The end of a perfectly good sex life.

It's only funny until somebody gets hurt. Then it's hilarious.

Beer. Makes you see double. Makes you feel single.

Remember, smoking doesn't kill people. People who are trying to quit smoking kill people.

Early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

Success always occurs in private, and failure in full view.

Always try to be modest, and be proud of it.

Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film.

Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.

Quantum mechanics—the dreams stuff is made of.

If you aren’t making waves, you aren't kicking hard enough.

On the other hand, you have different fingers.

Blessed are the censors; they shall inhibit the earth.

Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

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If you don't care where you are, you aren't lost.
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If you don't care where you are, you’re not lost.

Anything worth doing is worth getting someone else to do.

The best way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once.

A lady is one who only shows her underwear intentionally.

Golf scores are directly proportional to the number of witnesses.

Teamwork is essential—it allows you to blame someone else.

Do old men wear boxers or briefs? Depends.

Diplomacy is the art of letting someone have your way.

Cancer cures smoking.

Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with.

Committee—a group that keeps minutes and wastes hours.

Blessed are the meek, for they make great scapegoats.

A penny saved is a Congressional oversight.

Creativity is great, but plagiarism is faster.

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Don't take life so seriously. It's not permanent.
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Never get into fights with ugly people, they have nothing to lose.

You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

Don't take life so seriously. It's not permanent.

How does Avon find so many women willing to take orders?

Get the facts first. You can distort them later.

The trouble with political jokes is that they get elected.

If it wasn't for muscle spasms, I wouldn't get any exercise at all.

Guru: One who knows more jargon than you.

Bigamy: One wife too many. Monogamy: Same thing.

No amount of planning will ever replace dumb luck.

A hospital bed is like a parked taxi with the meter running.

You are only young once, but you can stay immature indefinitely.

More Thoughts to Ponder

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