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Idle Thoughts

Brain full yet? We thought not. Let's keep the flow of idle thoughts flowing with another batch of profound sentiments sure to inspire you to say, "Whuh?"

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I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not too sure.
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There are three kinds of people. Those who can count and those who can't.

Mothers: Travel agents for guilt trips.

A conscience does not prevent sin. It only prevents you from enjoying it.

A bird in the hand is safer than one overhead.

I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not too sure.

Whatever happened to preparations A through G?

Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.

The lottery is a tax on people who are bad at math.

The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.

Save water. Take a bath with your neighbor's wife.

My mechanic told me, "I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder."

I have not yet begun to procrastinate.

Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts.

Husbands are proof that women have a sense of humor.

Sacred cows make the best hamburger.

A man is not complete until he is married. Then he is finished.

The penalty for bigamy is that you get two mothers-in-law.

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Always proofread carefully to see if you any words out.
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So what's the speed of dark?

Don't use a big word where a diminutive one will suffice.

Always proofread carefully to see if you any words out.

Having a smoking section in a restaurant is a little like having a peeing section in a pool.

If at first you do succeed, try not to look astonished.

Give me ambiguity or give me something else.

Is it possible to be a closet claustrophobic?

As I said before, I never repeat myself.

Why don't you ever hear about gruntled employees?

If people concentrated on the really important things in life, there'd be a shortage of fishing poles.

Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.

I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.

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Forty-two percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.
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Forty-two percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.

One nice thing about egotists—they don't talk about other people.

If you go to a bookstore and ask a salesperson where the self-help section is, doesn't that defeat the purpose?

The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.

Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

Wear short sleeves—support your right to bare arms!

A miser is hard to live with, but makes a fine ancestor.

We should all help stamp out, eliminate and abolish redundancy.

If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

Drugs have helped teach an entire generation of American kids the metric system.

A closed mouth gathers no feet.

As the Buddhist said to the hot dog vendor, "Make me one with everything."

Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.

Reality is the leading cause of stress among those in touch with it.

More Thoughts to Ponder

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