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Shocking Details Reveal How Diminutive Orange
Laborers Put the "Imp" In "Impropriety"

Authorities have stunned the world with lurid reports of a sweeping investigation into a sex scandal involving employees of renowned candy manufacturer Willy Wonka.

oompa1.jpg (16752 bytes)An 18-month investigation has resulted in numerous arrests, including the indictments of dozens of Oompa Loompas, the diminutive workers at the factory made famous in a well-known documentary film entitled, Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory.

There have been sordid and almost unbelievable reports of a wide range of offenses, including pornographic films featuring Oompa Loompas, all-night orgies at the Wonka factory and other incidents of lewd behavior—at least one involving a taffy-pulling machine and what investigators are calling "inappropriate relations with a golden goose."

"Those Oompa Loompas are anything but cute and cuddly," said Lt. Irving Lügner, lead investigator. "You don’t even want to know what those little perverts have done in that chocolate river."

Officials have released a number of incriminating photos, allegedly featuring Oompa Loompas in compromising positions in various locations throughout the Wonka factory.

"Let’s say this entire affair took many of us by surprise," said one local official, who wished to remain anonymous. "These aren’t the people you would expect to be involved in a sex scandal, like evangelists or professional athletes. No, some people held these Loompas in very high regard. Especially the kids."

oompa3.jpg (12310 bytes)Also under investigation is the notoriously reclusive head of the Wonka organization, Willy Wonka. The enigmatic Wonka, and his legal representatives, not surprisingly, have refused to comment on the investigation.

"That Wonka guy—we should have known," said one detective close to the investigation. "The signs were all there. I’ve been working vice for twenty years, and let’s just say you don’t often find a guy with a purple coat and comb-over who isn’t the head of a sex ring. The man’s name is Willy for crying out loud."

Now that the scandal has broken, many citizens are echoing that sentiment, vocally criticizing law enforcement authorities for actions many feel are too little too late. Shouldn’t someone have known?

Some cite the fact that the aforementioned documentary, Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory, contained any number of "red flags" which should have tipped officials off to the carnal depravity alleged to have thrived within the walls of the secretive Wonka factory.

The documentary follows a young boy, Charlie Bucket, as he participates in a highly suspect "lottery" to gain access to the Wonka factory. Other children are also lured to the Wonka factory by promises of sweets. Once inside, children begin to disappear almost immediately. Their disappearances are never adequately explained, and ironically, the Oompa Loompas now at the center of all the controversy have the audacity to sing after each child disappears. If it did not exist on film, it would almost be too shocking to believe.

oompa2.jpg (14708 bytes)Critics charge that signs of impropriety at the Wonka factory—many alluding to sexual acts and substance abuse—are littered throughout the gritty documentary. Detractors set forth the following lines, gleaned from a transcript of the film, as being particularly incriminating:

Bill (candy store owner): "Hey, take it easy. You'll get a stomachache if you swallow it like that."

Mr. Turkentine (Charlie’s teacher): "Come and give me a hand."

Grandma Josephine: "I did the end pieces with the little tassels."

Charlie: "Here, everybody have a bite."

Willy Wonka: "I'm so glad you could come."

Mr. Salt: "Is this a trick or something, Wonka?"

Willy Wonka: "What an adorable little boy you have."

Willy Wonka: "And as soon as your outer vestments are in hand, we'll begin."

Mrs. Teevee: "Somebody's touching me."

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It's hot and creamy. I can actually feel it running down my throat!
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Violet Beauregarde

Charlie: "Quick, Augustus, grab this!"

Grandpa Joe: "Oh, looks good enough to eat."

Wonka: "Suck 'em and you can spit in seven different colors."

Mr. Salt: "Nuts."

Mr. Salt: "Hang on, darling! Just close your eyes and hang on tight!"

Mr. Salt: "Shouldn't you be wearing rubber gloves?"

Wonka: "You can suck 'em and suck 'em and suck 'em, and they'll never get any smaller."

Grandpa Joe: "We're really high now!"

Violet Beauregarde: "It's hot and creamy. I can actually feel it running down my throat!"

Wonka: "Oh, well, I'll get it right in the end."

Veruca Salt: "I want a ball."

Veruca Salt: "Give it to me."

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Well, fortunately small boys are springy and elastic.
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Willy Wonka

Mr. Salt: "Hold on! Veruca, sweetheart, Daddy's coming!"

Mike: "It's getting in my eye!"

Mrs. Teevee: "I'm soaked—it'll never come out!"

Charlie: "Let's do it again, Mr. Wonka."

Mrs. Teevee: "Oh, my dress, my hair, my face! I'm sending you the cleaning bill, Mr. Wonka!"

Wonka: "Here it comes. There it is. Take it."

Wonka: "Taste it—it's delicious. It's just gotten smaller, that's all."

Mrs. Teevee: "Mike, get away from that thing!"

Wonka: "Well, fortunately small boys are extremely springy and elastic."

Outraged parents and "little people" advocacy groups claim those seemingly innocuous lines were a clear indication that Wonka’s "world of pure imagination" was not so pure after all.

Even in the heat of public criticism, authorities continue their investigation.

"We’re shocked by the level of depravity we’ve unearthed," said Lt. Lügner. "A candy factory was the perfect cover. Let me just say that those folks at Hershey had better make sure their house is in order. Same goes for those M&M people. Listen, that’s just one letter away from S&M, and there’s no way this kind of thing is going to happen again. Not on my watch."


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