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Two bored UK casino dealers are waiting at a craps table. A very attractive lady comes in and wants to bet $20,000 on a single roll of the dice. She says, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm topless." With that, she takes off her blouse and rolls the dice. She then begins jumping up and down and hugging and kissing each of the dealers. "Yes! I win! I win!" With that, she picks up her money and clothes and quickly leaves. The dealers just stare at each other dumbfounded. Finally one of them asks, "What did she roll anyway?" The other answers, "I don't know! I thought YOU were watching!"
Into a Belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy, looking like he'd just been run over by a train. His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken, his face is cut, and bruised, and he's walking with a limp. "What happened to you?" asks Sean, the bartender. "Jamie O'Conner and me had a fight," says Paddy. "That little O'Conner," says Sean, "He couldn't do that to you, he must have had something in his hand." "That he did," says Paddy, "a shovel is what he had, and a terrible lickin' he gave me with it." "Well," says Sean, "you should have defended yourself. Didn't you have something in your hand?" That I did," said Paddy, "Mrs. O'Conner's breast, and a thing of beauty it was, but useless in a fight."
The new definition of liquidity: Liquidity is when you look at your retirement funds and wet your pants.
A SHORT BUT TRUE STORY
One day, long, long ago, there lived a woman who did not whine, nag, or bitch. But it was a long time ago, and it was just that one day. The end.
A wife complains, "Our wall clock almost killed my mother today. It fell only seconds after she got up from the couch." The husband mumbles, "Damn clock always was slow."
ON THE BUS
Little Johnny says, "Mom, when I was on the bus with Daddy this morning, he told me to give up my seat to a lady." "Well, you've done the right thing," says Mommy. "But Mommy, I was sitting on daddy's lap."
A woman was in town on a shopping trip. She found the most perfect shoes in the first shop, and a beautiful dress in the second. She had just entered the third shop where everything had just been reduced fifty percent when her mobile phone rang. It was a female doctor notifying her that her husband had just been in a terrible car accident and was in critical condition in the ICU. The woman told the doctor to tell her husband that she'd be there as soon as possible. When she hung up, she realized she was leaving what was shaping up to be her best day ever shopping in these boutiques, so she decided to just look in two or three more before heading to the hospital. Anyhow, she ended up shopping the rest of the morning, finishing her trip with a cup of coffee and a beautiful chocolate cake compliments of the last shop. She was jubilant. Then she remembered her husband. Feeling guilty, she dashed to the hospital. She saw the doctor in the corridor and asked about her husband's condition. The lady doctor glared at her and shouted, "You went ahead and finished your shopping trip didn't you? I hope you're proud of yourself! While you were out for the past four hours enjoying yourself shopping, your husband has been languishing in the Intensive Care Unit! It's just as well you went ahead and finished, because it's likely be the last shopping trip you will ever make! For the rest of his life he will require round-the-clock care. And he will now be your responsibility!" T he woman felt so guilty she broke down and cried and cried. The lady doctor then laughed and said, "I'm just pulling your leg. He's dead. Show me what you bought.
Apple Computer announced today that it has developed a computer chip that can store and play high fidelity music in women's breast implants. The iBoob will cost between $499 and $699, depending on the speaker size. This is considered to be a major breakthrough because women have always complained about men staring at their breasts and not listening to them.
A man wanted an attack dog to protect his business, so he visited a kennel that specialized in attack dogs. The man explained to the kennel owner that he wanted the biggest, meanest, most vicious dog in the kennel, and the owner offered to take the man on a tour of the premises. After they had been walking for a few minutes, they came upon a large dog. He was snarling loudly and biting and clawing at the cage. "He looks like he'd be a pretty good attack dog," said the buyer. "Well, he's not bad," replied the owner, "but I have something better in mind for you." They continued walking around the premises, and after a while they found an even larger, meaner dog than the first. He snarled at the two men and tried to bite them through the wire on his cage. "Ah," said the buyer. "This must be the dog you were referring to earlier." "Well, no," said the owner. "I have something better in mind for you." The men continued their tour. Eventually, they came upon a fairly large dog that was lying quietly on his side, licking his butt. He did not seem to notice as the men approached. "This is the dog I had in mind for you," said the owner. The buyer was flabbergasted. "You're joking!" he exclaimed. "This dog seems quite tame. He doesn't act at all like an attack dog at all. Hell, he's just lying there, licking his butt!" "I know, I know," said the owner. "But you see, he just ate a lawyer, and he's trying to get the taste out of his mouth."
The psychology instructor had just finished a lecture on mental health and was giving an oral test. Speaking specifically about manic depression, she asked, "How would you diagnose a patient who walks back and forth screaming at the top of his lungs one minute, then sits in a chair weeping uncontrollably the next?" A young man in the rear raised his hand and answered, "A basketball coach?"
A man checks into a motel, gets his key and says to the clerk, "I want the porn channels in my room to be completely disabled." She replies, "We only have one kind of porn at this establishment, you sick bastard!"
Q: What's the worst thing a bride can say on her wedding night? A: "I'm glad I didn't throw my vibrator away."
A guy had never had sex before, so his buddies set him up with a prostitute for a couple of hours. He really had no clue, and when she sat down on the bed completely naked, she says, "Do you know what I want?" He looks at her and says, "No." Then she lies down on the bed and starts rubbing her breasts and says, "Do you know what I want?" And he says, "No." Then she really sprawls out on the bed, spreads her legs and says, "Now do you know what I want?" The guy says, "Yeah, you want the whole damn bed to yourself!"
John was talking to his fiancée, Rebecca, and he said,"Be honest, now, baby. How am I as a lover?" To which she replied, "Honey, I would definitely say that you're warm." "Really?" he asked excitedly. "Yes, in fact I would say that you're the dictionary definition of the word warm." John was pleased until he went home and, just for fun, checked his dictionary and found, "Warm: Not so hot."
Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are almost dead?
Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?
A FINAL QUESTION
Whose idea was it to put an "s" in the word "lisp"?
Judi, the blonde, runs crying into the office. "What's wrong?" gasps her best friend Carol. "It's my boyfriend. He was working on the engine under the hood of his car when the lid came down and cut off a finger!" "My god," shrieks Carol. "Did it amputate his whole finger?" "No, thank goodness," sniffs Judi. "But it was the one just next to it!"
WHAT'S IN A NAME
A man sees a nice-looking girl in a bar, so he goes up and starts small talk. Since she seems receptive, he asks her name. "Carmen," she replies. "That's a nice name," he says, warming up the conversation, "Who named you, your mother?" "No, I named myself," she answers. "Oh, that's interesting. Why Carmen?" "Because I like cars, and I like men," she says looking directly into his eyes. "What's your name?" the woman asks. "Beervagina," he replies.
Q: What's the worst part about getting a lung transplant? A: The first couple of times you cough, its not your phlegm.
Q: What do you call a pretty girl in England? A: A tourist.
An American salesman checked into a futuristic hotel in Tokyo, Japan. Realizing he needed a haircut before the next day's meeting, he called down to the desk clerk to ask if there was a barber on the premises. "I'm afraid not, sir," the clerk told him apologetically, "But down the hall from your room is a vending machine that should serve your purposes." Skeptical but intrigued, the salesman located the machine, inserted $15, and stuck his head into the opening, at which time the machine started to buzz and whirl. Fifteen seconds later the salesman pulled out his head and surveyed his reflection, which reflected the best haircut of his life. Two feet away was another machine with a sign that read, "Manicures, $20." "Why not?" thought the salesman. He paid the money, inserted his hands into the slot, and the machine started to buzz and whirl. Fifteen seconds later he pulled out his hands and they were perfectly manicured. The next machine had a sign that read, "This machine provides a service men need when away from their wives, 50 cents." The salesman looked both ways, put fifty cents in the machine, unzipped his fly, and with some anticipation, stuck his manhood into the opening. When the machine started buzzing, the guy let out a shriek of agony and almost passed out. Fifteen seconds later it shut off. With trembling hands, the salesman was able to withdraw his tender unit, which now had a button sewn neatly on the end.
BONDS AND MEN
Q: What's the difference between government bonds and men?
A: Bonds mature.
An old man goes to the wizard to ask if he can remove a curse he's been living with for the last 40 years. The wizard says, "Maybe, but you'll have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you." The old man says without hesitation, "I now pronounce you man and wife."
CHEATING AT POKER
A group of businessmen sat down for a game of poker after work. They started playing a Texas Hold'em game, and there was quite a lot of money involved, so everyone was a bit on edge. As the cards were dealt, everyone was looking thoroughly at each other. One of the businessmen called the hand and put his cards on the table. The dealer of the group looked flabbergasted and uttered, "Hey, hold on a minute, Luke here is cheating. He's not playing the cards I dealt him!"
A young doctor moved out to a small community to replace the aging doctor there. The older doctor suggested that the younger doctor accompany him as he made his house calls so that the people of the community could become accustomed to him. At the first house they visited, the younger doctor listened intently as the older doctor and an older lady discussed the weather, their grandchildren and the latest church bulletin. After some time, the older doctor asked his patient how she had been feeling. "I've been a little sick to my stomach," she replied. "Well," said the older physician, "you've probably been over doing it a bit with the fresh fruit. Why don't you cut back on the amount of fresh fruit you eat and see if that helps." As they left the house, the younger doctor asked how the older doctor had reached his diagnosis so quickly. "You didn't even examine that woman," the younger doctor stated. "I didn't have to," the elder physician explained. "You noticed that I dropped my stethoscope on the floor in there. Well when I bent over to pick it up, I looked around and noticed a half dozen banana peels in the trash can. That is probably what has been making her ill." "That's pretty sneaky," commented the younger doctor. "Do you mind if I try it at the next house?" "I don't suppose it could hurt anything," the elder physician replied. At the next house, the two doctors visited with an elderly widow. They spent several minutes discussing the weather and grandchildren and the latest church bulletin. After several minutes, the younger doctor asked the widow how she had been feeling lately. "I've felt terribly run down lately," the widow replied. "I just don't have as much energy as I used to." "You've probably been doing too much work for the church," the younger doctor suggested without even examining his patient. "Perhaps you should ease up a bit and see if that helps." As they left, the elder physician said, "Your diagnosis is probably right, but do you mind telling me how you came to that conclusion?" "Sure," replied the younger doctor. "Just like you, I dropped my stethoscope on the floor. When I bent down to pick it up, I looked around and there was the preacher hiding under the bed!"
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