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The following are actual news stories, culled from reputable news sources, from near and far. But mostly near, because our feet are killing us. Just read some kooky news stories, will ya?


The actual poker boob guy.

MAN GETS BREAST IMPLANTS AFTER $100,000 BET
(Canada) - If it weren't for outrageous "proposition" bets, Brian Zembic would just be one of the many moderately successful gamblers in America. Instead, he's known as the blackjack player who got 38C breast implants. It started when Zembic and his friends were discussing why women are prepared to undergo surgery just to please men. The Canadian casino player claimed that if he got himself a pair of breasts, he'd receive even more attention than the girls. A perfect time for a prop bet, his friends thought. If Zembiac got breast implants, and kept them for at least a year, his friends would put up $100,000. It didn't take long before Zembiac went under the knife and collected his money. Though he had the operation in 1997, and got the $100,000 in 1998, Zembic's "rack" is still intact, even to this day.

MEN SENTENCED FOR SETTING FRIEND'S CROTCH ABLAZE
(California) - Two practical jokers are behind bars for setting their passed-out drinking buddy's crotch ablaze while boozing in Grover Beach. Matthew Craig Pillers and Jack Brent Nicholas Keiffer pleaded no contest to a felony great bodily injury charge. Prosecutors say the 22-year-old Pillers, a parolee, was sentenced to two years in prison and the 19-year-old Keiffer got 45 days in San Luis Obispo County jail. Elliot Tuleja was passed out when the men poured cologne on the man's groin and set him on fire. Tuleja had second-degree burns on his testicles.

OMAN SUES VICTORIA'S SECRET OVER THONG INJURY
(Culver City, California, KTLA News) - A Los Angeles woman is suing lingerie-maker Victoria's Secret, claiming she was injured by one of the company's defective thongs. Macrida Patterson, 52, says she was attempting to try on the thong when a decorative metallic piece flew off the garment and struck her in the eye. Patterson says Victoria's Secret is at fault for the injury she received last month because the product was "defective." Patterson's attorney, Jason Buccat, chalked the problem up to a "design error." The garment in question is called the "low-rise v-string" from the Victoria's Secret Sexy Little Thing line. Patterson said the defective underwear caused her permanent corneal damage, and that she had to miss several days of work to get it treated. Her attorney said the injury will affect Patterson for the rest of her life. Victoria's Secret requested to examine the underwear that caused the injury, but Patterson's attorney denied the request.

NUDE MAID STEALS $40,000
(Tampa, Florida) - A nude maid cleaned up good at a Florida man's home. Sheriff's Office says the maid stole more than $40,000 from a Cheval home despite not wearing any clothes. The 50-year-old man hired the maid from the Internet on Friday to clean his suburban Tampa home. Authorities say the woman arrived at the home in a one-piece, light colored dress. She took off the dress and cleaned the house for $100-per-hour. Sheriff's office spokeswoman Debbie Carter says the man told deputies he left the maid alone in the bedroom to clean. When the man's wife came home from vacation, she discovered $40,000 in jewelry missing from their bedroom. Police are investigating.

MAN SAVED FROM PORTABLE TOILET
(Pennsylvania) - When firefighters were called out to rescue a man stuck in a port-a-potty, they were expecting to find an overturned toilet with the victim of a practical joke inside. Instead, when they arrived at the former Harold's Furniture store in the 600 block of Cumberland Street of Lebanon, they found 31-year-old Shannon P. Hunter of Lebanon. He was drunk, naked and wedged up to his waist in the hole of the toilet, Deputy Fire Commissioner Chris Miller said.

MAN DRIVING MOTORIZED COOLER FACES DWI, OTHER CHARGES
(New York) - In case you were wondering, a motorized cooler on wheels is a motor vehicle under state law. A Whitehall man learned that recently when he was charged with driving while intoxicated after police pulled him over for swerving and driving on the sidewalk on a four-wheeled, motorized cooler known as a "Cruzin Cooler." Leslie J. "Bomber" Marr, 57, could face felony DWI and aggravated unlicensed operation of a motor vehicle charges because of prior arrests and convictions in drinking-and-driving cases, said Whitehall Police Chief Richard LaChapelle. The electricity-powered Cruzin Cooler that Marr was riding contained 14 beers, the chief said. "We were told it can do up to 12 mph," the chief said. Marr had apparently just left the nearby American Legion Post 83, but it was unclear where he was going, LaChapelle said. Marr was charged with misdemeanor counts of DWI and aggravated unlicensed operation of a motor vehicle, and also was cited for operating an uninsured motor vehicle.

COURT OVERTURNS FATHER'S GROUNDING OF 12-YEAR-OLD
(Canada, AFP) - A Canadian court has lifted a 12-year-old girl's grounding, overturning her father's punishment for disobeying his orders to stay off the Internet, his lawyer said. The girl had taken her father to Quebec Superior Court after he refused to allow her to go on a school trip for chatting on Web sites he tried to block, and then posting "inappropriate" pictures of herself online using a friend's computer. The father's lawyer Kim Beaudoin said the disciplinary measures were for the girl's "own protection" and is appealing the ruling. "She's a child," Beaudoin said. "At her age, children test their limits and it's up to their parents to set boundaries. "I started an appeal of the decision today to reestablish parental authority, and to ensure that this case doesn't set a precedent," she said. Otherwise, said Beaudoin, "parents are going to be walking on egg shells from now on. I think most children respect their parents and would never go so far as to take them to court, but it's clear that some would and we have to ask ourselves how far this will go." According to court documents, the girl's Internet transgression was just the latest in a string of broken house rules. Even so, Justice Suzanne Tessier found her punishment too severe. Beaudoin noted the girl used a court-appointed lawyer in her parents' 10-year custody dispute to launch her landmark case against her dad.

COLLEGE GIRLS BANNED FROM WHISTLING AT BUILDERS
(United Kingdom) - Officials at West Kent College in Tonbridge, Kent, sent an e-mail to all pupils warning that the behavior was "totally unacceptable," and saying any students caught harassing contractors would face disciplinary action. The e-mail was sent after a demolition team started work on a three-year building project at the campus. The e-mail read, "It has come to the attention of the college that some female students have been making comments to, or whistling at, the builders both whilst on site and as they walk around the campus. Although we are sure no offense is meant, this constitutes harassment and is wholly unacceptable. We have asked the contractors' representative to pass on all instances of harassment to the college and we will take appropriate action which may include disciplinary action." A spokeswoman for the contractors, Galliford Try, said, "We have no registered complaints on this issue. However we do not condone inappropriate behaviour from any parties on our sites."

WOMAN BATTERED BEAU WITH TOILET SEAT
(Florida) - A Florida woman, Kimberlee Ann Cole, allegedly assaulted her boyfriend, Joel Goldsmith, with a toilet seat after finding him smoking crack in a bathroom of their home. Cole told cops she battered Goldsmith, 24, after he "refused to give her the drugs," according to an arrest affidavit prepared by Fort Pierce police. Goldsmith "refused to stop smoking the drugs and Ms. Cole hit him with the toilet seat," the affidavit notes. As the couple, parents to an eight-month-old boy, scuffled in the bathroom, Goldsmith dropped a cocaine rock in the shower and Cole tried to wash it down the drain. Responding to a 911 call placed by a female roommate of the pair, police found blood on the bathroom's walls, floor, and toilet. They also recovered a broken toilet seat, though the affidavit does not indicate whether it was broken over Goldsmith's head or was in disrepair prior to the incident. In the shower, investigators found a "small amount of a substance" which field tested positive for cocaine. Cole and Goldsmith were charged with domestic battery and cocaine possession.

"WORLD'S GREATEST DAD" SOUGHT SEX WITH 14-YEAR-OLD GIRL
(Michigan) - A 33-year-old man faces two 20-year felonies after authorities say he arranged a meeting for sex with an online contact he believed was a 14-year-old girl and showed up wearing a T-shirt that read, "World's Greatest Dad." Daniel Allen Everett was arraigned in Novi district court on charges of child sexual abuse and using the Internet to attempt child sexual abuse. Magistrate Andra Dudley set bond at $50,000 cash. A spokesman for Attorney General Mike Cox couldn't say if Everett has children. Cox's office conducted the investigation, and Cox says in a statement it's a reminder "a parent can pose a threat" to children.

BOY ENDS UP AT HOOTERS AFTER SLIPPING OUT OF DAY CARE
(Texas) - Investigators are looking into how a young boy managed to slip out of a Denton, Texas day care center unnoticed, then cross two busy roads and end up a half-mile away at a Hooters restaurant. The five-year-old boy walked out of the Imagination Station child care center, he then crossed busy Dallas Drive to go to a RaceTrac gas station to purchase a soft drink and snacks. After leaving the station, he ended up in the Hooters parking lot about a half-mile away. The restaurant's general manager Brian Mason said, "I was pretty impressed that he made it that way without getting hurt. He let us know that he looked both ways before crossing the road, stopped in the middle and then crossed again." With no chaperone for the boy in sight, Mason called police. "We kept him in the back coloring and kept him pretty occupied until the police showed up," he said. The five-year-old has not been back to the day care since the incident.

Special thanks to Ron S. for all his great submissions of wacky news.

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