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Why read newspapers or watch the news when all the stupid, goofy news you'll ever need is right here!


Not the actual panties.

STUDENT GETS PANTIES CAUGHT IN A BUNCH
(Wisconsin) - A University of Wisconsin student has taken the panty raid to a new level. Cops say they found 854 pair of women's underwear in his home. Anthony Scholfield, 22, who was charged with burglary, swiped only small and extra-small sizes after breaking into women's apartments in Menomonie, authorities say. His stash was huge, according to police. "They were in containers in the closet and found in dresser drawers," said Police Sgt. Todd Swartz.

SUFFERERS DROP PANTS, PRAY FOR RELIEF
(Portugal) - Hemorrhoid sufferers are flocking to a church in central Portugal in the belief they will be cured by exposing their afflicted behinds to the statue of a local saint. The suffering faithful in Murtosa, north of Lisbon, attribute St. Goncalo with the power to cure the condition, the Jornal de Noticias reported. The 13th century priest also has a reputation for curing acne and helping women find husbands. Antonio Amador, a local doctor and member of the church, told the paper that turnout was still strong but that "before the numbers were even greater." Amador said that several years ago a young woman with severe acne wanted to pray nude in the church but that the local priest would not allow it because he was "a bit conservative." St. Goncalo has a loyal local following. Every June, during a festival in his honor in the northern town of Amarante, unmarried men and women exchange penis-shaped cakes as tokens of their affection.

BOY SAYS MOM TOLD ME TO DRIVE
(Australia, AAP) - A family of three has been injured in a car crash after a five-year-old boy sitting on his mother's lap allegedly steered the vehicle because she was too drunk to drive. The boy's nine-year-old brother allegedly told staff at Nambour Hospital, on Queensland's Sunshine Coast, that his mother had been drinking and wanted her youngest son to steer the car while she operated the pedals, police said.

PROBING ONE ROBBERY, COPS STOP ANOTHER
(New Jersey) - Two veteran detectives investigating a robbery at a Jersey City deli were interrupted by three gunmen trying to rob the store, police said. Two of the robbery suspects were arrested after the plainclothes officers chased them out of the Pacific Avenue store, but a third man was still at large, police said. Malik Ali Thompson, 50, and Mumin Mohammad, 48, both of Newark, were charged with attempted armed robbery, two counts each of attempting to shoot a police officer and various weapons charges. Lt. Charles Winterhalter and Detective Frank Caraballo, of the East District Detective Squad, were at the store to talk to witnesses of a robbery a few nights before.

PATRON CALLS IT QUIT AFTER 27 YEARS OF SAME LUNCH
(Indiana, AP) - Thomas Ray is truly the burger king. He's had the same lunch, at the same Burger King, in Munci every weekday for 27 years. But that tradition came to an end recently when Muncie's first Burger King closed its doors. The North Wheeling Avenue eatery's lease was up, and the store and parking lot no longer measured up to franchise requirements for seating and parking. Year after year, Ray strolled in at 11 a.m. and ordered a cheeseburger, small fries, coffee and a fruit pie. He always tried to get the same table. He never finished his fries, but he always got coffee refills. Ray is Ball State University's director of services and publications at the School of Extended Education.

INDIAN ARRESTED MAN FOR PUBLIC COW-A-BUNGLE
(India) - A 22-year-old man in New Delhi was arrested for allegedly trying to have sex with a cow, according to a recent report. The Asian Age newspaper reported the man was caught after he was found "in a strange position" with a cow. Police officials said he was trying to have sex with the cow and attempted the act out in the open. His neighbors called the police and he was arrested. The man has been charged with disturbing public peace and was jailed.

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Man Trapped in Bathroom by Cat
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MAN TRAPPED IN BATHROOM BY CAT
(Canada, Ananova) - A Canadian man had to be rescued by police after his cat went berserk and trapped him in a bathroom. It took two police officers and animal control officer Ron Sabean, to subdue the seven-year-old cat. The pet was snarling and hissing at the bathroom door in the house near Greenwood, Nova Scotia, when Sabean arrived. He said, "I've been in this business going on 24 years and I've never seen a cat focus on a person like that one did." He had been called by police, who were unable to catch the cat on their own. Sabean said the cat has lived indoors all its life and has had no contact with other animals. Although it had previously been good with its owners, it has been known to spit and hiss at strangers. The trapped man suffered scratches in the incident.

PORNO DISCS FROM GAS STATIONS AS GIFTS TO CUSTOMERS
(Taiwan, The China Post) - Gas stations are giving out pornographic discs to customers as gifts, People First Party Legislator Keh Shu-min complained recently. At a general session at the Legislative Yuan, Keh charged Chinese Petroleum Corporation with lack of oversight over its chain gas stations that are using dirty videotapes to attract more customers. Service stations affiliated with the Formosa group are also offering similar giveaways, the opposition lawmaker said. "Chinese Petroleum, as a state-run enterprise, should do something to stop the immoral practice," Keh said. One station of the state-owned oil supplier, Keh said, advertised for laser discs priced at $49 each for customers who fill up their gas tanks. "The discs have pornographic footage," she added. Kuo Lien-tsai, Chinese Petroleum board chairman, promised to mete out "severest possible punishment" to any service station found to have been involved in the alleged giveaway campaign to attract clients.

MALAWIAN HORDES FEED ON VAMPIRE RUMORS
(Malawi, Reuters) - Hundreds of angry Malawians have hounded a senior political figure from his house and have stoned him, accusing him of harboring vampires. Blantyre Urban Governor Eric Chiwaya, a member of the ruling United Democratic Front (UDF), was the latest victim of a bizarre rumor that the country's government is colluding with vampires to collect human blood for international aid agencies. Bearing severe cuts to his face and body, he told Reuters from his hospital bed that a crowd had hailed him with stones and other missiles, chanting "vampire" and threatening to kill him. Chiwaya said he knew some of his assailants, adding that political opponents were trying to discredit him and the government. The vampire rumors have sparked several vigilante attacks on suspected bloodsuckers recently, despite official attempts to stop the rumor. One man was stoned to death, and three priests were attacked by angry villagers in the south.

BELGIAN DRUNK-DRIVER FOUND GRAZING
(Belgium) - A Belgian drunk-driver was found eating grass in a field. He told a judge that he was fond of its taste. Witnesses said they saw Jurgen Tersago crawl out of his car on his hands and knees. He crawled into a field and began eating the grass. When police arrived, he was still on his knees and grunting like a pig.

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