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All the news that's fit to poke fun at...


Not the actual fish murder victim.

TEEN DIES AFTER PRIZED FISH STUCK IN THROAT
(Cambodia, Reuters) - A Cambodian teenager died of suffocation after a fish he caught jumped out of his hands and lodged in his throat, newspapers reported. Lim Vanthan, and his family were planting rice near their home on the outskirts of the impoverished Southeast Asian nation's capital, when they decided to go for a swim. During his dip, Lim Vanthan caught a prized eight-inch fish, called kantrob, with his hands. But the high school student's excitement was short-lived when his catch squirmed out of his hands and jumped into his mouth, where it became stuck because of barbs running down its back. He died of suffocation before he could receive treatment at a local clinic.

HUGE FAKE OWL DEFENDS WORLD'S LONGEST TIE FROM SEAGULLS
(Croatia) - Organizers of a special exhibition of the world's longest tie have been forced to put up a huge fake owl to stop pigeons using it as a toilet. The 2,300 feet long, 82 feet wide tie is being wrapped around a Roman arena in Pula on the western Croatian peninsula of Istria where it was made. Organizers brought in a seven foot model of an owl after local seagulls started leaving their droppings on the red material used in the tie. One worker, who was installing the owl at the arena, said, "We don't know why but seagulls seem to use red textile like a toilet." It appears the seagulls have stayed away from the arena since the owl had been erected.

SLEEPING BOY HAS FOUR FINGERS GNAWED OFF BY FAMILY DOG
(Florida) - A six-year-old Florida boy who was partially paralyzed by a hit-and-run driver last year had four of his fingers chewed off by his family's dog because he couldn't feel what the animal was doing. Dontavius Bryant, of Tampa, Florida, was hit by a driver last year and left with no feeling on his left side, which is why he didn't feel the dog chewing off his fingers to his second knuckle while he slept. "My brother told me to look at my hand," said Dontavius, sitting in a wheelchair at the hospital with his left hand wrapped in white gauze. "I looked at it, and it was bleeding." Hillsborough County animal control officials destroyed the puppy, a mixed breed of chow and pit bull named Chaka. The child's fingers were found in the dog's stomach, police said. "When I woke up, four of his fingers were off. It was a lot of blood," she said. "He went to sleep with 10 fingers, woke up with six." Chaka will be the last dog Dontavius will have, his mother said. "I don't want more dogs," Dewberry said. "We're going to stick to fish, to birds. No pets like dogs."

SLANG CROSSES UP GM
(Canada) - It's game over for the Buick LaCrosse in Canada. A General Motors executive yesterday admitted that the future Buick model, which is set to debut late next year, will be renamed in Canada after GM learned Lacrosse is a Quebec slang term for masturbation. The new mid-size sedan, which will replace the Buick Regal, will still go by the name Lacrosse in the U.S. GM vice-chairman Bob Lutz, who was in Toronto to address a gathering of GM dealers, said he wasn't aware of LaCrosse's racy roots although he speaks French and spent three years living in Paris. "I thought I knew every expression existing in the French language for self-gratification, including the crudest ones known to man," said the outspoken Lutz. He told journalists the proposed name for the new Buick has caused "a slight problem with your francophone fellow Canadians." This isn't GM's first name snafu. Sales of the popular Chevy Nova stalled when the vehicle was shipped to Spanish-language countries, where "Nova" translated to "doesn't run."

MAN POISONS CHINA RESERVOIR TO BOOST SALES
(China, Reuters) - A peddler of water purifiers poisoned a reservoir in central China to boost flagging sales, sickening 64 people, state media said. Cao Qianjin, 27, was detained for tossing pesticides into the reservoir in Ruyang County in the central province of Henan, the official Xinhua news agency reported. Cao, a laid-off worker, admitted to poisoning the water in hopes of boosting sales of his goods. He and his wife began selling the water purifiers in July, but business was slack. "His business would improve if the water supply was polluted, he believed," the report said. About 64 residents were poisoned and 42 of them were sent to hospital.

MEXICAN SHOT BY HIS OWN DOG
A Mexican man who was shot in the back and neck says his dog did it. Juan Evangelista Poot, 22, from Yucatan, told doctors he was outside his house when he was hit. He turned around and saw that the dog had picked up his gun and was holding it in his mouth. Poot took himself to the hospital. He said, "I don't know how this happened. One minute we were playing and the next he had the gun in his mouth. This dog is my best friend." A police spokesperson said, "This is the most amazing story I have ever come across. And, so far as we can tell, the man is telling the truth. Somehow the dog managed to fire the gun, but it is not like we will arrest him is it?"

HIKERS FIND 70 SHOES FILLED WITH BUTTER
(Sweden, AP)- A Swedish couple hunting on a remote mountain in Sweden's far northern province of Jaemtland found 70 pairs of shoes, all filled with butter. "If we knew who had done this we could make them clean this mess up," Alf Kjaellstroem, a province spokesman said. "It's not going to be pretty when the butter starts to rot. And we have to wait for the snow so we can get up there with the snowmobile." He said there were 140 shoes of all kinds including sneakers, children's shoes, high heels, boots and tap shoes, each stuffed with butter and spread out in the landscape. The find was similar to one done by artist Yin Xiuzhen's in 1996. Her exhibit, "Shoes With Butter," was laid out in the Tibetan mountains surrounding Lhasa, China.

PARENTS SWAP CHILD FOR TV
(AFP) - A poverty-stricken Albanian couple has reportedly admitted handing over one of their five children to a gang of human traffickers in return for a color television. The gang subsequently sold the three-year-old boy to an elderly Italian couple for $8,520, according to an Italian news agency. According to the report, the boy's father, knowing that the traffickers were dangerous, agreed to the deal. The gang was broken up by Italian police several months ago and the boy's mother came forward. Italian and Albanian investigators traced the boy to the town of Sersale where he had been living since 1999 under the name of Michele. The child, now seven, was put into the care of Italian social services until the legal authorities make a decision on whether to send him back to Albania.

NAKED MAN NABBED FOR SEEKING SHOWER IN CAR WASH
(Germany, Reuters) - German police briefly detained a 36-year-old man after he tried to shower naked in a car wash in the southern town of Fuerth. "The man stripped and said he wanted to take a shower, but he couldn't start the machine," a Fuerth police spokesman said. "It wasn't a great idea. He could have been coated in car wax, scalded by hot water or rubbed raw by brushes." The car wash owner alerted police after spotting the man gearing up for his shower among the brushes and hoses. Police said the man had been looking for somewhere to wash since losing his home.

MAFIA MEMBER RECEIVES ADDITIONAL TIME IN PRISON FOR SEMEN SMUGGLING
An incarcerated member of the New York Mafia has been sentenced to an additional 16 months in prison for smuggling his semen out of Allenwood Federal Prison in Williamsport, Pennsylvania to impregnate his wife. Kevin Granato, a convicted "hit man" for the Colombo crime family, and his wife, Regina, recently pleaded guilty to charges they used a cryogenic sperm kit to illegally transfer Granato's sperm from the prison to a New York fertility clinic. Granato was suspected of sperm smuggling after he said that a toddler in the prison's visitation room was his child. Granato had been imprisoned without conjugal visits since 1988. Regina Granato was sentenced to nine months probation for her role in the sperm smuggling, and her husband could have been sentenced to an additional 35 years.

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