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Not the actual smoking, frustrated chimp.

SEXUALLY FRUSTRATED CHIMP TAKES UP SMOKING
(China, Reuters) - Sexual frustration has turned a Chinese chimpanzee from a mild-mannered simian into a problem primate who smokes cigarettes and spits at visitors, the Xinhua news agency says. Feili, a female chimp, picked up her nasty habits by imitating visitors who behaved "improperly" around her. But the root cause of Feili's transformation from a "gentle girl" into a "shrew" lay with the inability to find her a satisfactory mate. A male chimpanzee at the zoo has failed to live up to Feili's sexual demands, and she has snubbed other potential suitors. Zoo officials said Feili was not addicted to nicotine, but the chimp has also demonstrated clever, if not desperate, behavior to score a smoke. "The chimp is spitting at tourists and smoking," Xinhua quoted a boy visiting the zoo. "Just now a tourist threw a cigarette butt to just outside the cage, she tried to get the butt with a stick."

FROZEN EXCREMENT SPOILS FAMILY PICNIC
(Austria) - An Austrian family had their weekend picnic ruined when a lump of frozen excrement fell from the sky and hit their barbecue. The family from Graz, Austria said the grill suddenly exploded as it was struck by a large object that missed them by a few feet. The mother of the family said, "I thought it was a meteor but it was frozen so I wrapped it tinfoil and put it in the freezer, and then called the police." She said the lump was about six inches in diameter. Police said the waste had come from an aircraft, but the woman said, "I don't see how it can be from an aircraft as none flew overhead all day."

CORONER DISCUSSING GUN SAFETY SHOOTS SELF
(Indiana) - Monroe County Coroner David Toumey was hospitalized with a leg wound after accidentally shooting himself while trying to demonstrate gun safety. Toumey said he was demonstrating gun safety to some people at a Lake Monroe boat ramp when he accidentally shot himself. He said that as he checked to make sure his weapon was unloaded, the gun discharged, and a bullet struck him in his left leg. "It's an unfortunate accident," Toumey said. "I've always been very, very safe." Toumey said he was scheduled to have surgery and expects to be in the hospital from three to five days.

DOG WIGGLES PAW FREE TO SHOOT FLORIDA MAN
(Florida) - A man who tried to shoot seven puppies was shot himself when one of the dogs put its paw on the revolver's trigger. Jerry Allen Bradford, 37, was charged with felony animal cruelty, the Escambia County Sheriff's Office said. He was being treated at a hospital for a gunshot wound to his wrist. Bradford said he decided to shoot the three-month-old shepherd-mix dogs in the head because he couldn't find them a home, according to the sheriff's office. Bradford was holding two puppies, one in his arms and another in his left hand, when the dog in his hand wiggled and put its paw on the trigger of the .38-caliber revolver. The gun then discharged.

VENGEANCE SWIPES CAKE, EATS IT, TOO
(Chicago) - A six-foot-tall, 275-pound bearded man crashed a children's birthday party in Oak Forest, identified himself as "vengeance," then helped himself to a piece of cake, police said. When the owner of the home asked the man who he was, the intruder replied, "I am vengeance. I am the knight. I am Batman." Then the man went into the kitchen, cut a piece of birthday cake, took it into the living room and ate it. After continued questioning by the homeowner, the man left the house and drove off in a red 1988 Cadillac. Police haven't found the man yet and want to charge him with criminal trespass.

MAN GLUES HAND TO GIRLFRIEND IN PRISON
(Spain, Reuters) - A German prisoner in Madrid and his girlfriend glued their hands together during a jail visit in an attempt to fight the man's possible extradition to Germany, judicial sources say. The pair was taken to hospital, where doctors were considering whether to operate or use a powerful solvent to separate the man's left hand from the woman's right. The glue is a type normally used in car repairs. Spanish police arrested the 39-year-old man in the city of Cadiz at the request of Germany, where the man faces accusations of smuggling women from Eastern Europe to force them into prostitution. The Madrid court studying the extradition request will not make a decision for several months.

ALLEGED SHOPLIFTER FLEES SEX SHOP AFTER APPLYING FOR EMPLOYMENT
(Tennessee) - If you're going to shoplift a store, don't fill out a job application beforehand. That's what a 22-year-old woman did at Pleasures, as she allegedly tried to leave the store without paying for a sex toy, according to a sales clerk. The store planned to file an arrest warrant for the suspect with police today. The crime is a misdemeanor. The store also plans to file additional charges after receiving a harassing phone call that employees believe came from a friend of the suspect. "I thought that was a classic case of dumb crook news," said Jamie Hudgins, sales clerk for the store. She said the woman entered the store with two friends at 12:30 p.m. and completed a job application. She then browsed the store before leaving. As the job applicant left, the anti-theft alarm at the exit sounded, and she pulled the merchandise, valued at $22.12, from her purse, tossed it on the floor and fled. An attachment for the sex toy, however, remained in her purse, said Hudgins, who suspected the women were playing a prank. "Kind of stupid, because now she's going to have a criminal record," Hudgins said.

STICKUP MEN MAKE OFF WITH LUNCH, NOT LOOT
(New York, AP) - They thought they were getting away with loot. Instead, they got lunch. Two men face robbery charges after showing up at a tractor supply store at closing time. Authorities say the pair demanded the night bank deposit bag, grabbed a blue bag from one employee and got away. It turns out the bag was the employee's lunch bag, not the deposit bag. The men were arrested a little while later. A sheriff's deputy says he would have liked to have seen the men's faces when they realized the mistake.

DENTIST ALLEGEDLY INJECTED SEMEN INTO PATIENTS' MOUTHS
(North Carolina, AP) - Former employees of a dentist claim the man made female patients unwittingly swallow his semen during visits to his office. Dr. John Hall is accused by the state dental board of violating dentistry's standard of care, engaging in immoral conduct, and committing sexual assault. Six former patients say he tricked them into swallowing his semen. A seventh claims he jumped on top of her in the dental chair and "began to gyrate against her lower body in a sexual manner." Hall's lawyers say the dentist has been falsely accused by disgruntled former employees. He was collecting his semen because he was taking Propecia, a drug to promote hair growth, and was concerned about potential side effects that include low sperm count and diminished semen, his lawyer said. Hall's former assistant testified that she found it odd that Hall began asking her to leave a patient's side to retrieve items that he never used. She also became suspicious when she overheard him tell patients to "swallow" something, and when she saw him take a syringe out of his lab coat pocket while working beside a patient. Hall's lawyer suggested the substance Hall asked patients to swallow could have been a dental product. When police searched Hall's office, they confiscated five syringes with Hall's semen from his desk.

SPRINKLERS COME ON DURING MOVIE SINGING IN THE RAIN
(Oregon) - Moviegoers watching the classic 1952 film, Singing in the Rain outside at a Medford, Oregon, amphitheater were rained on, by sprinklers that came on, and couldn't be shut off. A theater manager says the roughly 1,000 people laughed at the irony of the situation. But since workers were afraid the projection equipment would be ruined, they shut off the film while the sprinklers watered the park. The movie, starring Gene Kelly and Debbie Reynolds, has been rescheduled. A recent power outage threw off timer clocks for the sprinkler system.

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