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Fill up yer saddle bags with more rip-snortin' real news. Stop readin' now and we'll be madder than a peeled rattler.

Not the actual member-eating dog.

(Romania, Reuters) - A elderly Romanian man mistook his penis for a chicken's neck, cut it off and his dog rushed up and ate it, the state Rompres news agency said. It said 67-year-old Constantin Mocanu, from a village near the southeastern town of Galati, rushed out into his yard in his underwear to kill a noisy chicken keeping him awake at night. "I confused it with the chicken's neck," Mocanu, who was admitted to the emergency hospital in Galati, was quoted as saying. "I cut it, and the dog rushed and ate it." Doctors said the man, who was brought in by an ambulance bleeding heavily, was now out of danger.

An adult sex toy shut down a major regional airport for almost an hour when it was mistaken for a bomb, police said. The vibrating object was discovered at Mackay Airport by a security officer who noticed the suspicious package inside a rubbish bin at the terminal cafeteria a police spokeswoman said. Cafeteria manager Lynne Bryant said her staff had been cleaning tables when they noticed a strange humming noise coming from the rubbish bin. "It was rather disconcerting when the rubbish bin started humming furiously," she said. "We called security and next minute everybody was being evacuated while they checked it out." The police spokeswoman said the terminal was evacuated immediately. Passengers who had arrived on a recent flight, check-in staff, cafeteria employees and hire car personnel were all forced to leave. The emergency situation was revoked when the package was identified as an adult novelty device. Bryant said in retrospect that the humming sounded exactly like a vibrator, but it was better to be safe then sorry. "You can't afford to take chances," Bryant said.

(Missouri) - A Branson man has put a face to the anonymous references people often make to "they" by changing his name to just that, "They." The former Andrew Wilson, a 43-year-old self-employed inventor, was granted legal permission by a circuit judge to change his name. It's just They, no surname. He also has changed his driver's license to reflect his new name. They said he did it for humor to address the common reference to "they." "'They do this,' or 'They're to blame for that.' Who is this 'they' everyone talks about? 'They' accomplish such great things. Somebody had to take responsibility," he said. Now, his friends are getting used to his new name. "They call up and say, 'Is They there?'" He acknowledged the name could drive grammarians crazy.

(Reuters) - An Iranian woman, beaten every day by her husband, asked a court to tell him only to beat her once a week. Maryam, the middle-age woman, said she did not want to divorce her husband because she loved him. "Just tell him to beat me once a week. Beating is part of his nature and he cannot stop it," Maryam told the court. The Tehran court found the man guilty and banned him from beating the wife, the paper said. "If I do not beat her, she will not be scared enough to obey me," the husband said.

(Italy, Reuters) - A 67-year-old woman was killed when a three-yard tall metal crucifix fell on her head in a small southern Italian town, police said. The cross, which has been in the main square on Sant'Onofrio for decades, fell on Maddalena Camillo while workers were setting up lights for an annual religious festival. Italy, home to the Vatican City, is a predominantly Roman Catholic country where crucifixes and religious icons and effigies are a common sight in most towns and villages.

(South Africa) - A traditional healer's sexual tricks backfired when his patient reported him for rape. The healer is accused of smearing "muti" (a love potion) on his penis, and then using it to "inject" the muti into the woman's vagina, said Capricorn police spokesperson Captain Mohale Ramatseba. "The muti was supposed to make the woman's boyfriend more interested in her," said Ramatseba. But when the muti failed to work, the 21-year-old woman returned to the healer on Monday to complain. When the healer prepared to "inject" her again, she ran to the Polokwane police station and reported him for rape. "When he tried it again this week and said he'd have to penetrate her deeper, she realized she was being taken for a ride," said Ramatseba. "The victim said she had agreed to the sex, because the healer convinced her it was the only way to make the muti effective," said Ramatseba. Ramatseba said police expect more women to come forward with similar complaints against the healer. He urged women not to seek love potions, especially if healers insisted on sex to administer the muti.

(Canada, AP) - Dane Squires was late for his own funeral. At least it seemed that way after people gathered at a Toronto funeral home to mourn the retired welder from Newfoundland whom they believed had been hit by a train. Relatives of Squires were watching the casket being loaded into a hearse when his daughter Trina was told she had an important phone call. Her father was on the other end. "She totally, totally lost it," Squires' brother Gilbert said. "She said, 'There's a ghost talking to me on the phone. Please somebody try to make sense out of this because I'm losing my mind.'" Squires was initially identified as the man who was recently hit by a commuter train. The body was badly mutilated in the accident but still fit Squires' description, police said. Authorities haven't yet identified the victim. "He went to my sister's house and whoever answered the door fainted," said Gilbert Squires, noting his brother didn't become aware of the confusion until he read his own obituary in the newspaper. Squire's sister identified the dead man as her brother after viewing the body at the coroner's office this week, police said.

(Alaska, AP) - A small cruise ship catering to eco-tourists was seriously damaged after running aground in the Aleutian Islands. Coast Guard Chief Warrant Officer Roddy Corr said about 5,000 gallons of diesel fuel spilled from the ruptured tank, as was some waste water. He said swift currents dispersed the spilled fluid before it could be cleaned up. The ship takes passengers on cruises lasting a week or more for tours of seal and bird rookeries, Corr said.

Here's a lesson for fugitives from the law: Don't stop to ask the police for directions. That's just what happened recently, setting off a 15-minute chase that ended in the arrest of a man, sought by police for attempted murder and kidnapping, and of the passenger in his car, a woman who was herself being sought on a felony charge. The episode began when the driver, Emoshia L. Duncan, 29, and his companion, Antunette Desiree Johnson, 23, stopped in a parking lot to ask for directions from on-duty police officers who were there, said Lexington police Lt. Kelli Edwards. Edwards said something about the man and woman "struck the officers as suspicious." As a result, the officers began a computer check on the license plate on the car occupied by Duncan and Johnson. Before the records check was complete, Duncan and Johnson had already started to leave the parking lot and a chase ensued. It ended when the suspects' vehicle ran over spike sticks on Haley Road, puncturing the tires. Duncan, it turned out, was already being sought by Richmond police for attempted murder and kidnapping.

(England) - A man went into the hospital with "I love women" tattooed on his leg, but when he came out it read, "I love men." The unlucky patient is now too embarrassed to wear shorts after the tattoo was accidentally altered during surgery. The man had gone for a heart bypass operation. Surgeons had to take out part of the large vein in his leg to replace a section of blocked artery in his chest. But when doctors sewed up the leg, they removed the first two letters of the word "women." Leeds General Infirmary said, "Part of the tattoo was accidentally erased." The British Medical Journal published a picture of the man to warn doctors to be careful when operating on tattooed skin.

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