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Don't stop now. If you stop, you might have to be productive. Ew.


Not the actual testicle padlock.

MAN'S TESTICLES LOCKED IN PADLOCK
Emergency workers helped a New Hampshire man out of a difficult situation after a friend locked a padlock around his testicles. According to police, the man was intoxicated when they arrived at the scene. The man told them he had the padlock around his testicles for two weeks. The man said a friend put the lock on while he was drunk and passed out. When he woke up, the friend was gone. "Never in my 13 years have I seen anything like this," a police spokesman said. The man told police he tried to remove the lock with a hacksaw because the key had broken off in the lock. He was taken to a hospital, where a locksmith removed the padlock. He was treated and released, and the hospital said he had no lasting injury. Police said that they did not know the motive for the incident.

SPORTS FAN GETS DEATH FOR KILLING WIFE WHO WANTED TO CUDDLE
(Panama) - A man angry with his wife because she repeatedly asked him to cuddle after sex while he wanted to watch sports on television has been sentenced to death for killing her with a claw hammer. Christopher Offord received the sentence from Circuit Judge Dedee Costello, who said the brutality of the killing outweighed any mental health issues. "The defendant struck his wife approximately 70 individual blows after spending a happy interlude with her," Costello said. "Her desire to cuddle after sex does not justify the extremely violent, brutal response of the defendant." Offord pleaded guilty to first-degree murder in the death of Dana Noser. He initially confessed to a bartender at a sports bar before being arrested. He told investigators he got annoyed when he wanted to watch a sports program and Noser continued to ask him to return to bed with her. He also told arresting officers that a voice in his head told him to kill Noser.

PARENTS' KISSES SPREAD CAVITIES
Pediatric dentist Erik Scheifele says parents often spread cavity-causing bacteria by kissing on the mouth or sharing utensils with their children. "Cavities are an infectious disease. Parents must have regular dental check-ups to make sure that their mouths are not a hazard to their kids," he said. Scheifele is director of pediatric dentistry at Temple University School of Dentistry.

FRUIT SALAD TREE WAS A HOAX
(Wales) - An apple tree that baffled its owner by "producing plums and blackberries" has turned out to be a hoax. Harry Tomlinson's tree, in his garden in north Wales, was reported in newspapers and on TV news bulletins. But close inspection revealed that the plums and blackberries had simply been stuck on. The identity of the practical joker remains a mystery. Dr. Colin Norton, of the Welsh College of Horticulture, said, "We're always interested in new plants but this one, from 10 yards away, you can see it's a hoax." Tomlinson, 94, admitted he had been tricked and added, "I think it's a rotten trick."

MUSEUM'S NAKED ADMISSION
(Austria) - An Austrian museum is offering free entrance to anyone who turns up naked. With temperatures in Vienna reaching 97 degrees, the Leopold Museum says its latest campaign has come at just the right time. Spokeswoman Verena Dahlitz said, "We're offering free entrance to anyone who turns up in their birthday suit as a promotion for our latest exhibition The Naked Truth. We understand that some people may be shy, and so we'll probably let them in free in swimming costumes, but we're hoping once inside they'll realize how liberating it is to look at the art in the nude."

BUS DRIVER SCARED OF MAKING WHOOPEE
(Australia) - An Australian bus driver, who called police after he found a package on his bus which emitted a strange sound when touched, was left red-faced when it turned out to be a novelty store cushion. Sydney, Australia recently adopted a New York-style "If you see something, say something" counter-terrorism campaign urging people to report unattended bags or suspicious activity around public transport. The driver found the package on the rear seat of his bus after completing his route around the Sydney beachside of Coogee. Fearing it could be an explosive device of some kind, he called the police. "It was an unattended item, emitting a popping sound," a police spokesman said. "Just as a precautionary measure, police went and investigated. It's a whoopee cushion," he said.

MAN FINDS MISSING DENTURES: IN HIS THROAT
(Taiwan) - A Taiwanese man is breathing easier after a surgeon removed a missing set of dentures from one of his bronchial tubes--three years after he lost them in a fall. Surgeon Chen Chun-lei said the unidentified man visited his clinic complaining of shortness of breath and a high fever. The man had no idea the missing denture was the culprit, causing a mild case of pneumonia. "He had looked for the missing dentures for three years but they were nowhere to be found," Chen said. Chen operated after an X-ray detected an unknown object in one of his bronchial tubes--what turned out to be the missing denture. Chen said the 45-year-old man did not suffer serious breathing problems earlier, possibly because the lower denture of eight teeth had stuck in part of the bronchial tube but did not entirely block the passage of air. "The patient might have needed to have part of his lung removed if the denture was not located before it caused severe damage," Chen said Monday. "He was a lucky man to find it when he did."

PUKE PUNISHMENT FOR VOMIT ASSAULT
(Kansas, AP) - A Kansas high school student convicted of battery for puking on his Spanish teacher will spend four months cleaning up after people who throw up in a police car. A judge said at sentencing that he considered the incident an assault on the dignity of all teachers. The teen vomited on the teacher on the last day of classes at Olathe Northwest High School, outside of Kansas City. The boy's lawyer says his client had been nervous about his final exams but other students testified he'd planned it in advance. The teacher says he felt "sort of stunned" when it happened, and notes the student was failing his class.

28,000-YEAR-OLD PHALLUS FOUND IN GERMANY
(Germany, AFP) - A stone phallus 28,000-years-old has been discovered in a cave in Baden-Wuertemberg in southern Germany, the University of Tubingen said. In assembling 14 stone fragments found last year in the Hohle Fels cave, archeologists rebuilt the phallus, which is about eight inches long and one inch wide. It will be on display at the prehistoric museum in Blaubeuren. The caves in the Blaubeuren region, which sheltered Neanderthal man, are among the most important archeological sites in Europe.

NEW TOOL IN ANTI-PORN DRIVE: FORCED SIT-UPS
(India) - Indian police forced around 200 people caught watching pornography to do sit-ups in public to shame them and keep them away from theaters that illegally screen smutty movies. The Hindustan Times reported that police stopped the screening of a pornographic movie at a movie theater in Balasore district in the eastern state of Orissa and made audience members, some as young as 17, do 10 sit-ups each at a public square, watched by onlookers. The police made the all-male group vow not to watch pornography again. To make matters worse for the embarrassed teenagers that were caught, police called their parents to watch them doing sit-ups. Police officer Sanjeev Panda said authorities carried out the public shaming after attempts to get theatres in the area to not show pornography had failed. "We decided to crack down on the audience," Panda was quoted in the newspaper, which also reported that police in Orissa planned to integrate such public punishments into their general campaign against pornography.

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