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Honestly, you thought that was it? We've got tons of weird news! Tons. Metric. Or something.


Not the actual arrested bagpiper.

FISHNET HOSIERY DOES IN ROBBERY SUSPECT
(California) - A man's pantyhose led to his arrest, authorities said. An unshaven man wearing a black evening gown, fishnet stockings, calf-high boots and a black wig robbed a USA Gas station, authorities alleged. The armed man stuffed $290 in cash into an ensemble-matching black purse. "I've been with the department for 22 years, and this is the first time I've heard of this happening anywhere here," police Lt. Phil Penko said. About 35 minutes after the robbery, police Officer Chad Ventimiglia spotted a black Saab with fishnet pantyhose hanging from the front driver's side door, dragging on the ground, investigators said. The car was pulled over and Michael Leslie Clouse, 26, was arrested and booked for investigation of armed robbery. A plastic replica handgun allegedly was found inside his purse, Penko said.

MAN SEVERS OWN PENIS, THROWS IT AT OFFICERS
(Chicago) - Before police threw the book at him, Jakub Fik threw something unusual at them—his penis. Fik, 33, cut off his own penis during a recent rampage. When confronted by police, Fik hurled several knives and his severed organ at the officers, police said. Officers stunned him with a Taser and took him into custody. "We took him out without any serious injury, with the exception of his own," said Chicago Police Sgt. Edward Dolan. Doctors reattached Fik's penis, sources said. Fik is charged with two counts of aggravated assault and one count of criminal damage to property. He told paramedics he was distraught over problems with his girlfriend in Poland, Dolan said. Police arrived on Fik's block after receiving reports he was smashing car windows, Dolan said. Fik then broke into a house down the block. Fik was bleeding when the officers arrived and may have already cut off his organ, Dolan said. "At that point, this guy came running out, naked, with a handful of knives and started throwing knives at the police officers that were 10, 20, 30 feet away," Dolan said. Fik threw his penis during the confrontation, too, Dolan said. He then went back into the house and re-emerged with "another handful of knives," Dolan said. Fik fought back when officers went to restrain him. "About 10 feet from the front porch, right on the sidewalk, was his penis," Dolan said. Dr. Greg Bales, associate professor of urology at the University of Chicago, said severed penises are uncommon but surgery usually works. "As long as the penis is placed on ice and reattached within a few hours, the success is usually pretty good," Bales said.

STUDENTS BANNED FROM RAISING HANDS
(England) - The head of the Jo Richardson comprehensive school in Dagenham, England, prohibits students from raising their hands in class, according to a January Daily Telegraph report, to keep those not called on from feeling ''victimized.''

HITCHER FORCED TO EAT PIZZA AT KNIFEPOINT
(Florida) - A hitchhiker from Jacksonville, Florida recently got more than a ride, he also got a meal of pizza and wine. Too bad he had to eat with a five-inch knife pressed against his stomach. Billy Watson, 35, was walking along Interstate 10 in Mobile, Alabama, desperate for a ride home when along came Timothy Lee Hagewood, 42, who threw open the door and told Watson to hop in. It was around 6 p.m. when Hagewood pulled into the parking lot at the Pride Express Food Mart. Once inside, he inexplicably demanded that Watson sit on the floor and eat ready made pizza. Hagewood then offered the clerk $40 for a bag of ice and a soda, refusing any change. By now it had become clear that he was intoxicated. Next he pulled out a five-inch knife, pressed it against Watson's stomach and growled, "Don't get up or I'll cut you." Soon thereafter he grabbed a bottle of wine off the shelf, smashed its neck off and began drinking. In the hopes of calming Hagewood down, Watson continued to choke down the pizza and drink some wine. Hagewood showed no real interest in the employees or other customers in the store, allowing each one to walk out the door. After about 10 minutes the police showed, telling Hagewood repeatedly to lie down. When that didn't work, they zapped him with a Taser. Hagewood is being held on $16,000 bond and faces between two and 20 years in prison for felony kidnapping.

WITCH TEACHER SPARKS RIOT
(South Africa) - High-school pupils who accused a teacher of bewitching them went on a rampage after education officials and the school governing body refused to dismiss her. Police had to use teargas and fire rubber bullets to disperse rampaging pupils at Kunene Senior Secondary School in KaNyamazane outside Nelspruit, and release teachers who had been held hostage in the staffroom. "We received a call about a hostage situation at the school and when we arrived pupils started throwing stones at us," said Constable Floral Hlatshwayo of KaNyamazane police. The pupils damaged two police vehicles and injured two police officers. Several pupils were also injured and had to be treated at the local clinic. Hlatshwayo said the pupils also tried to block the road leading to the school gate with large rocks and burning tires, but police were able to get through and rescue the teachers. Hlatshwayo said, "We don't know what prompted the pupils to suspect her of witchcraft."

PIPER PUNCHED AND KICKED TO DEATH
(Scotland) - A bagpipe player killed a fellow band member in an attack after criticizing his playing during a competition. Keith Drysdale, 38, punched, kicked and hurled a chair at James Mearing during a band practice in the Pipe Room at Redford Barracks, Edinburgh. Mearing, 51, died in hospital three days later from a brain hemorrhage. Drysdale, of Parkhead Loan, Edinburgh, was originally charged with murder, but the Crown accepted his guilty plea to a reduced charge of culpable homicide. Advocate deputy Neil Beardmore told the High Court in Edinburgh, "This is a tragic case, in which Mearing was the victim of a sustained attack. The accused had opportunities to walk away but returned to continue the assault." Mearing, a former civil servant, had a lifelong interest in playing the bagpipes and was well-known in piping circles, the court heard. Beardmore said that the two men played with the band at a competition at Bathgate, in West Lothian, but its placing was "disappointing." He said, "The deceased acknowledged that this was in part due to his own misplaying, which he in turn blamed on the cold in his fingers and the medication he was on." At the following midweek practice session, an argument developed and Drysdale attacked Mearing, grabbing him as he sat and punching him forcefully in the face.

FIRE CHIEF ACCUSED OF SEX ACTS WITH LAMB
(Arizona) - A veteran of the Mesa Fire Department is on paid leave for alleged bestial acts with a neighbor's sheep. Maricopa County sheriff's deputies took 52-year-old LeRoy Johnson into custody at his home. The city's deputy fire chief, a 26-year veteran, was booked on three misdemeanor charges including disorderly conduct, trespassing and public sexual indecency. A sheriff's office spokesman said Johnson was released from jail on his own recognizance. The arrest came after a neighbor and another man said they found Johnson in a small barn. The sheriff's report said Johnson's pants were down as he held a lamb to the ground. When deputies confronted Johnson, they said he admitted to trespassing but denied doing anything else.

MAIDS USE MOP, PLUNGER IN BRAWL OVER TOILET PAPER
(South Carolina) - It was plunger versus mop in a fight between motel maids. Police in North Charleston, S.C., reported that a couple of maids got into it over toilet paper. According to investigators, each accused the other of taking the toilet paper from their respective cleaning carts. Deloris Smith is charged with assault and battery for hitting the other maid with a mop. But Smith said she was defending herself from a plunger. The other woman was taken to a hospital for treatment of minor injuries.

CAR CRASHES INTO HOUSE: DRIVER LANDS IN BED
(Minnesota) - Police say a drunk driver crashed into a Duluth home, then made himself at home, falling asleep in the homeowners bed. The crash caused serious damage when the car ended up in the middle of the home. One person was asleep upstairs at the time of the crash, but was unhurt. After checking to see what had happened, Jun Park told police he found the driver of the car sound asleep in his bed. "He's crazy," said Park. Police took the driver into custody.

MAN SUFFERS EIGHTY YEARS OF GUILT
(Germany) - Police were amazed and amused when a pensioner turned himself in for a crime he committed 80 years ago. Helmut Bleibtreu told officers at Herne in the Ruhr region of Germany he had suffered from a guilty conscience ever since planting a firecracker on the line at his local railway station in 1926. He said it was the only bad thing he had ever done and asked what his punishment would be. The officers told him the statute of limitations for that crime had passed, and in any case the offense had never been reported. They cautioned Bleibtreu not to do it again.

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