dribbleglass.gif (6370 bytes)

 

SEINFELD

"Jiminey"

 

Written by Scott E. Roeben

© Scott E. Roeben

 

 

 

ACT ONE

SCENE A

INT. JERRY'S APARTMENT - DAY (1)

JERRY'S WATCHING TELEVISION, FEET PROPPED UP. THE FLOOR OF HIS APARTMENT IS COVERED WITH PLASTIC CUPS TURNED UPSIDE DOWN. GEORGE BURSTS IN.

GEORGE

They're killing me, Jer. Killing me.

JERRY

No, really, barge right in. I've always felt "knocking" and "calling ahead" were a little gauche. "Barging" is much more your style. You were always a fine barger.

GEORGE

When did you start saying "gauche"?

JERRY

Sure, I said it. Proudly. I'll have you know, I once said "wherewithal." I'll say it again if I'm cornered.

GEORGE

They are absolutely killing me.

JERRY

Corns acting up again?

GEORGE

My folks. I'm dying here. You might as well lock me in a garage with the car running.

JERRY

What now?

GEORGE NOTICES THE CUPS.

GEORGE

What's going on? What's with the cups?

JERRY

I have no idea where they're coming from.

GEORGE

My guess would be the cupboard.

JERRY

Crickets.

GEORGE

Crickets? Really?

JERRY

I think they're coming in under the door, because of the warmth. They just keep coming. It's like a plague.

GEORGE

Why don't you just crush them?

JERRY

Can't do it. They're crickets, for godsakes. Defenseless. They're the little old ladies of the wild kingdom.

KRAMER ENTERS.

KRAMER

George. Jerry.

JERRY

Take Kramer, for example. Another Olympic-class barger.

KRAMER

Oh, hey, I see you're still having that cricket problem.

JERRY

Uh-huh. (TO GEORGE) You were saying?

GEORGE

It's my folks. They're insisting on throwing me a birthday party, you know, for my thirty-fifth.

JERRY

So, what's the problem?

GEORGE

Oh, if only it were that simple. Can anything in my life be that simple? I haven't been able to communicate with these lunatics up to this point, why would this be any different?

SFX: DOOR BUZZER. KRAMER HITS THE BUTTON.

ELAINE (O.C.)

It's Elaine.

KRAMER

Come.

HE HITS THE BUZZER TO LET HER IN DOWNSTAIRS.

GEORGE

When they're together, they fight like cats and dogs. Worse. Like animals that don't even get along as well as cats and dogs.

KRAMER

Like ants...and chimps with twigs. Natural enemies.

GEORGE

Now you understand.

KRAMER

But I see their position. They love you, so they want to throw you a party. Count me in.

GEORGE

I'm forced to act as go-between for these people. In effect, I'm throwing myself a party. I don't even want a party.

ELAINE ENTERS. SHE'S HOLDING A MAKEUP MIRROR, SCRUTINIZING HER FOREHEAD.

JERRY

See? Granted, Elaine didn't call ahead, but she did buzz. There was no discernible barging.

ELAINE

What's with the cups?

JERRY

The Rathskeller was closed, so we ended up having the kegger here.

KRAMER

Crickets.

ELAINE

There are crickets under there? What are you, some kind of baby-man?

KRAMER

I bet they make a lot of noise at night.

JERRY

At first I found it relaxing. A little like being on a farm upstate. Now, I'm as close to going insane as you can be without actually driving ice picks into your own ears.

ELAINE

Notice anything odd about my forehead?

JERRY

You mean how far up it goes?

GEORGE

The wrinkles?

KRAMER

The high sheen?

ELAINE

Shut up. I'm talking about the swelling.

JERRY, GEORGE & KRAMER

(IMPROV) No, no. Didn't notice.

ELAINE

I'm sprouting the granddaddy of all break-outs here. I give it three hours before a full-scale eruption.

GEORGE HEADS FOR THE DOOR.

JERRY

Like I said. It's a plague. Like boils. Next, it'll be frogs or lice.

GEORGE

As much as I'd love to hang out here and discuss your dermatological problems, I have a few problems of my own. I've got a party to plan.

JERRY

(SMUGLY) Wouldn't miss it for the world.

GEORGE

Hey, anybody know where I can get those little cocktail napkins with sports trivia on them?

KRAMER

Lowell's Party Supplies. Grand and forty-seventh. While you're there, pick me up some of those Chinese finger puzzles. I love those things.

GEORGE EXITS.

ELAINE

(PATTING HER FOREHEAD) This is going to be huge.

JERRY

Oh, stop. You're acting as if the police are going to have to come and cordon it off.

ELAINE

It's coming, funny man, and there's nothing I--or anyone--can do to stop it. It's going to be like that scene in "Alien."

KRAMER

I can take care of these crickets for you, Jerry.

JERRY

Yeah? Without killing them?

ELAINE

As I suspected. Baby-man.

KRAMER

Sure thing. No problem.

JERRY

Make it so.

KRAMER

I'll even cut you in on the action.

ELAINE

There you go. It begins as a favor, and it mutates into a scheme.

KRAMER

There's a fortune to be made in crickets. Bait. These babies can really breed. Just like cockroaches.

JERRY

I don't want to know about it. Just do it. While we're out. And I never want to hear about this again. Understand?

KRAMER

Forfeiting your share, then?

JERRY

Donate it to charity. I mean it, I don't want anything to do with this.

JERRY AND ELAINE HEAD OUT. SHE'S OBSESSED WITH HER FOREHEAD.

JERRY (CONT'D)

You sure you want to be seen in public like that?

ELAINE

Shut up. Or I'll rub my legs together and you'll be begging for an ice pick.

THEY EXIT.

CUT TO:

 

 

ACT ONE

SCENE B

INT. FRANK & ESTELLE COSTANZA'S HOME - DAY (1)

GEORGE IS HASHING OUT PARTY DETAILS WITH HIS PARENTS.

GEORGE

So, we've decided on the date. The party will take place...on my birthday. That only took us four hours. The rest should be a piece of cake.

FRANK

I think we should have one of those ice cream cakes. Not all ice cream. An ice cream cake with cake in it.

ESTELLE

My sister's allergic to dairy products.

FRANK

Fine. We'll change the invitations to read "If you're allergic to dairy products, GET A LIFE." We're having an ice cream cake. That's final! And one more thing. We should have those little napkins with sports trivia on them.

GEORGE

Already on it. You're not dealing with a flatworm here.

ESTELLE

Georgie, have you thought about what you're going to wear to the party?

GEORGE

One thing at a time.

FRANK

Leave him alone, will you, Estelle?

ESTELLE

He'll wait until the last minute, then he'll wear something that doesn't match. He'll end up looking like a vagrant. People will drop spare change into his wine glass.

FRANK

I think this party should be a surprise party.

GEORGE

What?

FRANK

They're always fun. Everybody jumping out and saying "Surprise!"

ESTELLE

For once you're making sense. A surprise party.

GEORGE JUST LOOKS AT THEM IN DISBELIEF.

FRANK

We need a place.

GEORGE

Somewhere I'll never suspect.

ESTELLE

What about Jerry's place?

FRANK

It's not big enough.

ESTELLE

How big does the place have to be to fit George's friends? How many can there be?

GEORGE RESTS HIS FACE IN HIS PALMS.

CUT TO:

 

 

ACT ONE

SCENE C

INT. KRAMER'S APARTMENT - DAY (1)

THE DOOR SWINGS OPEN AS KRAMER STRUGGLES WITH SEVERAL AQUARIUMS. THERE ARE A FEW ALREADY SET UP, EQUIPPED WITH HEAT LAMPS AND THE WHOLE NINE YARDS. HE SETS THE AQUARIUMS DOWN AND GOES OUT.

CUT TO:

 

INT. JERRY'S APARTMENT - DAY (1) - CONTINUOUS

KRAMER ENTERS. HE GRASPS TWO CUPS ON THE FLOOR, ONE WITH EACH HAND, AND ANOTHER WITH ONE FOOT, AND SLIDES THE CUPS ALONG THE FLOOR AND OUT THE DOOR.

CUT TO:

 

INT. KRAMER'S APARTMENT - DAY (1) - CONTINUOUS

HE CONTINUES TO SLIDE THE CUPS. HE NEARS ONE OF HIS HOMEMADE INCUBATORS AND FLIPS THE CUPS UP AND IN. CRICKETS ARE LOOSE.

HE SCRAMBLES TO CONTAIN THEM.

HE CONTORTS WILDLY.

CUT TO:

 

 

ACT ONE

SCENE D

INT. COFFEE SHOP - DAY (1)

JERRY AND ELAINE EAT LUNCH. ELAINE DABS HER FOREHEAD WITH A MAKEUP SPONGE.

ELAINE

What did I tell you?

SHE PULLS HER HAND AWAY. THERE IS A HUGE, RED BLEMISH IN THE MIDDLE OF HER FOREHEAD.

JERRY

Maybe it wouldn't look so bad if you didn't touch it so much. Whatever you do, please don't point that thing at me.

ELAINE

"Touching" has nothing to do with it. It's genetics.

JERRY

That, and the wheelbarrows full of lard-soaked fries. Just leave it alone.

JERRY CAREFULLY LAYS OUT THE CONTENTS OF HIS WALLET ON THE TABLETOP.

ELAINE

What are you doing?

JERRY

(DRAMATICALLY) The changing of the wallet.

HE PROUDLY LAYS A NEW WALLET ON THE TABLE.

ELAINE

(MOCKINGLY) Ooh.

JERRY

You can't be expected to understand the ritual. Women are indiscriminate with where they put their belongings. With men, it's just one wallet. We don't keep seven wallets so we have one to match our pumps. Just the one. A bond forms. Like the bond a man forms with his first mustache.

ELAINE

Terrific. (GOING ON) What are you doing tonight?

JERRY

Movie. With Sherman.

ELAINE

Oh, that guy you met at--

JERRY

The "Ha-Ha Hut." He's the night manager. Nice enough guy.

ELAINE

Thought you said you weren't looking for new friends. You'd hit your quota.

JERRY

It's just a movie. Not a commitment. It's a low maintenance friendship. (BEAT) Boy, you think you know what's in your wallet. I must have half-a-dozen photo processing stubs. They make it sound like you need them to get your film, but you never do. Let's just hope the people who devised that security system have nothing to do with protecting our nation's nuclear armaments.

ELAINE SORTS THROUGH SOME OF THE WALLET CONTENTS.

ELAINE

So, where's the condom? Can latex actually evaporate after a certain period?

JERRY

Men don't carry condoms in their wallets. It's an urban myth...like that one about people putting poodles in microwaves. Or the one about green M&Ms being aphrodisiacs.

ELAINE

Which is ridiculous. Every color of M&M is an aphrodisiac.

JERRY HOLDS SOMETHING UP.

JERRY

Oh.

ELAINE

What?

JERRY

(DISGUSTED) It's a gift certificate to "The Bookworm," that bookstore.

ELAINE

Where's that place?

JERRY

Exactly. Where? My parents sent me that gift certificate after my first appearance on the Letterman show.

ELAINE

That must've been five, six years ago.

JERRY

Yes. Years. I've never been able to use it. I went to one location, the store was boarded up. I heard a rumor there's another store, but it's all the way across town. No one's even sure where. I'm being held hostage by a gift certificate. Why don't people just send cash?

ELAINE

Impersonal.

JERRY

Oh, yes, and gift certificates show that personal touch. Who are they trying to fool? Gift certificates are like cash, but from Laos. (BEAT) I know. I'll leave it as a tip. In effect, it's a thirty dollar tip. More than generous.

ELAINE

Look, I gotta go. Maybe I can find a curling iron and brush some hair in front of this...thing.

JERRY

Rapunzel wouldn't have enough hair to cover that thing.

ELAINE RISES TO LEAVE. AS SHE DOES, DASRA--PERHAPS THE MOST HANDSOME HINDU MAN WHO HAS EVER LIVED--ENTERS WEARING A STETHOSCOPE AROUND HIS NECK. HE SEES ELAINE AND STOPS IN HIS TRACKS. HE PRESSES HIS PALMS TOGETHER.

DASRA

Namaste. (HE BOWS SLIGHTLY)

ELAINE GUSHES. JERRY JUST ROLLS HIS EYES.

CUT TO:

 

 

ACT ONE

SCENE E

EXT. MOVIE THEATER - STREET - NIGHT (1)

JERRY APPROACHES SHERMAN, A NONDESCRIPT GUY IN HIS LATE 30S. JERRY FIDGETS AND ADJUSTS THE POSITION OF THE NEW WALLET IN HIS BACK POCKET.

JERRY

Hey, Sherman.

SHERMAN

I got the tickets. (BEAT) New wallet, huh?

JERRY

Yeah.

A COUPLE COMES OUT OF THE THEATER.

MAN

Sherman. How are you?

WOMAN

Great to see you.

SHERMAN

It's been a week or two hasn't it?

MAN

Call us Monday, will you?

SHERMAN

Sure. (TO JERRY) They're great.

JERRY STARTS TO SPEAK, BUT BEFORE HE CAN, TWO ATTRACTIVE WOMEN APPROACH SHERMAN.

DONNA

Sherm!

SHERMAN

Betty. Donna. Great to see you. This is Jerry, Jerry Seinfeld.

JERRY

Hi.

BETTY

Thanks for the Hanukkah present.

SHERMAN

We should have dinner.

THE WOMEN DEPART. SHERMAN AND JERRY WALK FARTHER.

JERRY

I have to say, Sherman--

TWO TEENAGERS, IN LINE FOR THE MOVIES, INTERRUPT.

NEWT

Mr. Ross.

SHERMAN

Hey, how you been, buddy?

NEWT

Can't complain. You?

SHERMAN

Great. Just great.

JERRY WATCHES IN DISBELIEF AS SHERMAN MOVES ON AND KNOWS SEVERAL OTHER PEOPLE IN LINE.

CUT TO:

 

 

ACT ONE

SCENE F

INT. ELAINE'S BEDROOM - NIGHT (1)

ELAINE AND DASRA ARE DISHEVELED.

ELAINE

Wow.

DASRA

I will take that as a compliment.

ELAINE

Was that something you picked up in med school?

DASRA

Do you not recall your "Kama Sutra"? Those were variations on "The Flower in Bloom" and "The Flag of Cupid."

ELAINE

Oh, yes, well. "The Flower in Bloom," of course. Who could forget that?

DASRA

You are so lovely, Elaine. So intelligent.

ELAINE

Thank you. You too, Dasra. Then, I guess you'd have to be, I mean, as a surgeon. What was your specialty?

DASRA

Maxillofacial prosthetics.

ELAINE

Yeah, that.

DASRA

I especially enjoy the sense of humor you possess. Rare in a woman.

ELAINE

You should see me when I get some rum in me. I'm a riot.

DASRA

Perhaps you would appreciate a joke I heard in the O.R. today. We were prepping for a craniofacial osseointegration, and Dr. Sarawasti says "How was wire invented?" I asked "How?" And he said "Two marwaris spotted the same coin!"

DASRA LAUGHS BOOMINGLY AT THE JOKE. ELAINE SHOWS HER BAFFLEMENT FOR A SPLIT SECOND, THEN PLAYS ALONG AND LAUGHS AWKWARDLY.

CUT TO:

 

 

ACT ONE

SCENE G

INT. JERRY'S APARTMENT - DAY (2)

GEORGE LOUNGES IN THE LIVING ROOM. JERRY SITS ON THE ARM OF THE COUCH.

JERRY

It's baffling. He seems to know everybody.

GEORGE

You always run into people you know.

JERRY

Not like this. He knows everyone.

JERRY SITS, THEN STANDS AND ADJUSTS HIS WALLET, THEN SITS AGAIN.

GEORGE

New wallet?

JERRY

Yeah. I'm just not sure we're...compatible.

GEORGE

You don't have to tell me. I had the same problem with an electric razor once.

JERRY

So, we're at a movie theater, and Sherm literally knows half the people there. In line. On the street. Random encounters, and he knows everyone. He's like one of those "Psychic Friends." It's like he's memorized the entire white pages of New York City.

KRAMER ENTERS WITH HIS USUAL FLOURISH. OUTSIDE THE DOOR WE SEE FISHERMEN MILLING ABOUT--MEN IN WADERS, AND FISHING VESTS.

KRAMER

Jer, I need baggies. You got any?

JERRY

Sure.

KRAMER

This cricket thing is a goldmine. I went from one apartment to another collecting them. I've already got a backlog of orders. I even got a call from one of those upscale health food restaurants. Come to find out, crickets are a great source of lowfat protein.

JERRY

Vermin a la Cosmo.

KRAMER

Crickets, Jer. The other white meat.

AS KRAMER EXITS, ELAINE ENTERS.

ELAINE

Hello, fellas.

JERRY

Well, well. Tell us all about it.

ELAINE

About what?

JERRY

Oh, please. The doctor. How pretentious is that, wearing a stethoscope wherever he goes? Who else do you see doing that? You never see salvage divers walking around wearing swim fins.

ELAINE

He's a surgeon. Specializing in maxillofacial something or other.

JERRY

Not to mention he's also roguishly handsome.

ELAINE

That, too. (BEAT) His name is Dasra.

JERRY

Das-ra. Very nice.

ELAINE

He's named after the Hindu god of medicine. And there's only one problem as far as I can tell.

GEORGE

Here it comes.

ELAINE

I'm fairly sure he thinks I'm Hindu.

SILENCE.

JERRY

Ah, because of the...growth.

ELAINE

Yes.

JERRY

But you're not, of course. Hindu. Or even remotely of Indian persuasion.

ELAINE

I don't need to remind you I saw "Ghandi" four times. And I'm talking about in a theater. Not on video. That doesn't even include video.

JERRY

He thinks you're Hindu. Well, I Vishnu both the best of luck.

ELAINE

He is roguishly handsome, isn't he?

GEORGE

Lies. Tell me about it. I've cornered the market.

ELAINE

How's that?

GEORGE

I'm knee-deep in deception. I'm planning a surprise birthday party. For myself. I'm being coerced into constructing an elaborate maze of lies to surprise myself.

JERRY

I see.

GEORGE

It gets better. In a couple of months, I'll have to plan their thirty-fifth anniversary party. I foresee the need for heavy sedation.

JERRY

At least in the case of your birthday you're working on behalf of someone you truly love.

ELAINE

Anniversary? Thirty-fifth, you say?

GEORGE

Yeah.

ELAINE

I thought you said it was your thirty-fifth birthday coming up.

GEORGE

Right. My birthday is in January. Their anniversary is in March.

ELAINE

Of the same year.

GEORGE

What's your point, Indira?

ELAINE

Well, it would appear that your parents were married two months after you were born.

GEORGE

Well, of course not, that would--

UTTER SILENCE.

GEORGE (CONT'D)

--make me a bastard! That can't be.

JERRY

Care to use my abacus?

GEORGE

Wait. That can't be. I'm no bastard. (BEAT) I'm a BASTARD!

JERRY

I've always thought so.

GEORGE DASHES TO THE PHONE.

GEORGE

There's got to be some mistake.

ELAINE

Yes, apparently it involved your parents and birth control.

GEORGE DIALS.

GEORGE

This isn't funny!

JERRY

I'm afraid I have to differ with you.

GEORGE

Ma. It's George. (BEAT) Costanza. Yes. Look, Ma, I'm thirty-five in a few days. (UNDER HIS BREATH) I thought maybe a cardigan, but that's not important right now. Look, Ma, you and dad are having your thirty-fifth anniversary this year, right? But that can't be, because that would make me...(BEAT) Right. Uh-huh. Fine. Terrific. (CUPPING HIS HAND OVER THE RECEIVER) I'm a bastard.

JERRY

Shocking.

GEORGE

Ma, don't cry. (BEAT) Don't cry. Good. Now, one more thing. The party is off! Hear me? It's off. Forget the whole thing! Your little bastard is calling the whole thing off! Now you can cry!

JERRY

(TO ELAINE) Oh, good work.

GEORGE SLAMS DOWN THE PHONE.

GEORGE

Just call me "bastard."

ELAINE STARTS TO SAY IT, THEN SEES THE FURY IN GEORGE'S EYES AND THINKS BETTER OF IT.

FADE OUT.

 

END OF ACT ONE

 

 

 

 

 

ACT TWO

SCENE H

INT. FRANK & ESTELLE COSTANZA'S HOME - DAY (3)

GEORGE BURSTS IN. ESTELLE AND FRANK ARE CONCERNED AND A LITTLE EMBARRASSED.

ESTELLE

George.

GEORGE

Don't "George" me. What do you have to say for yourselves?

FRANK

About what?

GEORGE

About what? How about my bastardhood?

FRANK

What's to say?

ESTELLE

George, don't use that word. It's not polite. It's like with my friend, Dottie. I insist she not use the word "goiter" around me.

GEORGE

You know, actually, being a bastard explains a lot.

FRANK

You heard your mother. Don't use that word.

GEORGE

I'll use it. I'll use it whenever I feel like it. You know why? Because bastards have a bad attitude. Bastards are rebels. This explains everything.

FRANK

Explains what?

GEORGE

My whole life. My life has been a series of disasters occasionally interrupted by tragedy. Being born out of wedlock was just the first of many tragedies.

ESTELLE

Don't be so melodramatic. So, we jumped the gun. George we were in love...as good as married.

GEORGE

"As good as married" isn't married. You fornicated. What were you thinking?

FRANK

Well, I for one was thinking about Rita Hayworth.

ESTELLE

Don't you think we've paid for what we did?

GEORGE

Paid? How have you paid?

ESTELLE

The guilt, George. The guilt.

FRANK

Speak for yourself. The only thing I feel guilty about is all those years of passing wind and blaming it on the dog. That was a good dog. He didn't deserve that stigma.

GEORGE

I'm the one with the stigma now. Me. I hope you're happy.

ESTELLE

We loved you just the same. Bastard or not. Oh, now you've got me saying it.

FRANK

So, does this mean the party is cancelled?

GEORGE

What do you want to do, hold me up to public ridicule? Is that what you want?

FRANK

What I want is to walk around my apartment in my underwear, which is nearly impossible if you keep dropping in.

GEORGE

That attitude doesn't surprise me.

ESTELLE

No one should walk around in their underwear? The Health Department should cite you.

GEORGE

Enough. That's enough. I'm done. I have no more to say.

FRANK

That would be a first.

CUT TO:

 

 

ACT TWO

SCENE J

INT. COFFEE SHOP - DAY (3)

GEORGE AND JERRY ARE SEATED AT THEIR USUAL TABLE. JERRY IS FLUSTERED.

JERRY

I don't get this. We've been here forty-five minutes, and the waitress hasn't even acknowledged us. I've got to find out if they found my old wallet.

GEORGE

New one not working out?

JERRY

I tried to break it in, but it's no use. We're calling it quits. Irreconcilable differences.

GEORGE

Pardon me if I don't get too broken up about your little dilemma. I'm just a little more concerned about being a...(STRUGGLES WITH THE WORD) bastard, thank you. I went to see my parents, you know, to try and sort the whole mess out. It's bedlam there.

JERRY

I think you might be overreacting here, Georgie-boy.

GEORGE

I'm not overreacting. You don't know what it's like, Jerry. You're legitimate, although I wouldn't take anything for granted. When you're a bastard, you're lost. You're alone in the world. Bastards have no compass, Jerry.

THE WAITRESS LOOKS LIKE SHE'S COMING OVER, BUT SHE SNEERS AT JERRY AND VEERS TO ANOTHER TABLE.

JERRY

What is her problem?

GEORGE

Being a bastard changes everything. I'm a piranha.

JERRY

I'm pretty sure you mean "pariah."

GEORGE

Right. An outcast. An outsider.

JERRY

I'm not sure being a bastard is the same source of shame it used to be.

GEORGE

No?

JERRY

Everything's changed. Nobody wears scarlet letters anymore. Nobody's drawn or quartered. Although, I can understand that. It's almost impossible to get a quartering stain out.

GEORGE

And what's more, what in the hell am I supposed to do with all those trivia napkins? It'll take me three years to work my way through them.

THE WAITRESS WALKS BY AGAIN. JERRY WAVES HIS ARMS FURIOUSLY.

WAITRESS

Sir, I'd love to help you, but I have to get to the bookstore before it closes...and the one I have to go to is about an hour-and-a-half from here. Sorry.

SHE WALKS AWAY.

JERRY

Oh, no. The gift certificate.

GEORGE

What?

JERRY

It's a long story. Now I'll never get my wallet back. I can't stand this new wallet. It's cutting into me like I've got a ninja star in my pocket.

GEORGE

Jerry, I have to ask a favor. I need you to go with me.

JERRY

(CAUTIOUSLY) Uh-huh. Where?

GEORGE

To a support group I heard about.

GEORGE (CONT'D)

BASANON. (BEAT) "Bastards Anonymous." Will you come with me?

JERRY

You bet your life, whoreson.

GEORGE GLARES. SHERMAN AND KRAMER ENTER THE COFFEE SHOP TOGETHER, LAUGHING. THEY SPOT JERRY.

JERRY (CONT'D)

Hi, Sherman. Kramer, you know Sherman?

KRAMER

Sure. We go way back.

KRAMER SITS DOWN.

SHERMAN

We sure do. I've known Cosmo ever since, oh, when was it?

KRAMER

Way back.

JERRY

Sherm, this is George Costanza. Want to stay for lunch?

SHERMAN

No, got to run. But it was good seeing--

SHERMAN SPOTS PEOPLE HE KNOWS AT THE NEXT TABLE.

SHERMAN (CONT'D)

Bill Morgan. How the hell have you been, you old rascal?

JERRY

(UNDER HIS BREATH) Here we go again.

SHERMAN

(TO JERRY) Anyway, I've got to run, but it was great seeing you.

THE WAITRESS COMES OVER AND HUGS SHERMAN FROM BEHIND.

WAITRESS

Sherm, how have you been, darling?

JERRY

(ASIDE) Unbelievable.

SHERMAN

You look great.

WAITRESS

These friends of yours, Sherm?

SHERMAN

Yes, yes they are.

WAITRESS

Well then, I'll take special care of them.

JERRY

Actually, I was wondering if maybe you'd seen my old wallet. I left it here when...

WAITRESS

Sure thing, honey.

SHE TAKES IT OUT OF HER APRON.

JERRY

Thank you. You saved my life.

SHERMAN

Gotta run.

SHERMAN BLOWS A KISS TO THE WAITRESS AND EXITS.

WAITRESS

What can I get for you?

KRAMER OPENS A MENU.

KRAMER

We're going to need a little time, all right?

SHE NODS AND WALKS AWAY BEFORE JERRY AND GEORGE CAN STOP HER.

JERRY

So, Kramer, you know Sherman?

KRAMER

Everybody knows Sherm. Great guy.

JERRY

You look terrible, by the way.

KRAMER

Can't get any sleep. The crickets.

JERRY

Did I tell you?

KRAMER

It's all worthwhile, though. That reminds me. Great news, buddy. Remember when you said I should donate your share of the cricket windfall to charity?

JERRY

No, but there are entire conversations with you that don't stick.

KRAMER

I took your share so far, twenty-seven hundred bucks--

GEORGE

You're kidding.

KRAMER

I put it into the commodities market. I got a tip on oregano futures. Hear about that typhoon in the Philippines? Boom! Oregano went through the roof. I donated the proceeds to a children's hospital in your name.

JERRY

Unbelievable.

KRAMER

Yeah. I'm thinking about expansion. Broadening the product line. You know, angleworms, shiners, midge larvae.

JERRY

Great idea. To my mind, there's nothing quite as appealing as a midge larvae. Really ought to spruce your place up.

KRAMER

That's the idea.

CUT TO:

 

 

ACT TWO

SCENE K

INT. INDIAN RESTAURANT - DAY (3)

ELAINE AND DASRA ARE IN THE MIDDLE OF THEIR TRADITIONAL INDIAN MEAL.

DASRA

You are something.

ELAINE

Me? What about you? Earlier, I mean--

DASRA

It was nothing.

ELAINE

That thing you did. What did you call that again?

DASRA

Mausala. "The Pestle." The object is to make the woman coo and warble like a woodpigeon.

ELAINE

I cooed. You heard me. Didn't I coo?

DASRA

Elaine, I have something for you.

HE TAKES OUT A GIFT FROM HIS COAT POCKET.

ELAINE

Oh, Dasra.

SHE OPENS THE GIFT, IT IS A DIAMOND TENNIS BRACELET.

ELAINE (CONT'D)

Oh, it's beautiful.

DASRA

It pales in your presence.

ELAINE

Gracias.

DASRA

Mujay samuj may nahi atahai. [I don't understand.]

ELAINE

I feel the same way about you.

DASRA

What? (BEAT) Elaine, can I ask you something?

ELAINE

Of course.

DASRA

You're not Hindu are you?

ELAINE

You mean, as in being an actual Hindu person? As in "champing at the bit to throw myself on your funeral pyre"?

DASRA

Hindu.

ELAINE

Not Hindu, no. (CAUGHT) But I really enjoy foods with curry. The more curry the better. Ladle that curry on, as far as I'm concerned.

DASRA

Elaine, it's all right.

ELAINE

It is? Because I can return the bracelet.

DASRA

It is not a great surprise. I was suspicious when you ordered the barbecued ribs at the restaurant last night.

ELAINE

Oh, the cow thing. Damn.

DASRA

The cow thing.

ELAINE

I'm sorry if there was any misunderstanding. Really.

DASRA

Koibaat nahi. [Never mind.]

ELAINE

I couldn't agree more.

CUT TO:

 

 

ACT TWO

SCENE L

INT. JERRY'S APARTMENT - DAY (3)

AS JERRY ARRIVES HOME, HIS PHONE IS RINGING OFF THE HOOK.

JERRY

Yes, I hear you. Relax.

HE PICKS UP THE PHONE.

JERRY (CONT'D)

Hello. Yes it is. Well, no. Sorry. But thanks for calling and pestering me.

HE HANGS UP, AND THE PHONE RINGS A SPLIT SECOND LATER.

JERRY (CONT'D)

Yes, hello. Yes it is. No, I don't care to make a donation, thank you. I would, however, like to pledge my emotional support to your organization because I feel that diseases are, as a whole, bad. Right. And don't ever, ever call me again. Pass the word along.

HE HANGS UP, AND THE PHONE RINGS YET AGAIN.

JERRY (CONT'D)

Yes, hello. What? A dedication ceremony? For my what? (BEAT) I have a wing? Let me call you back.

HE SEARCHES FOR A PEN AND PAPER.

JERRY (CONT'D)

(UNDER HIS BREATH) Kramer... (BACK TO THE PHONE) Yes, right. Thank you.

HE HANGS UP AND REDIALS. HE WAITS.

JERRY (CONT'D)

Pick up, Kramer.

HE HANGS UP, THEN OPENS HIS DOOR.

JERRY (CONT'D)

Kramer!

THERE IS A COMMOTION INSIDE KRAMER'S APARTMENT, THEN HE EMERGES. KRAMER'S HANDS ARE HIDDEN UNDER HIS SHIRT.

JERRY (CONT'D)

There you are.

KRAMER ENTERS.

JERRY (CONT'D)

Why didn't you answer the phone? What's going on?

KRAMER

Nothing. I was busy.

JERRY

You're a terrible liar. Fess up, Kramer!

KRAMER

All right. I couldn't pick up the phone.

HE REMOVES HIS HANDS FROM HIS SHIRT. HIS FINGERS ARE LOCKED IN A CHINESE FINGER PUZZLE.

JERRY

I don't believe it.

KRAMER

It's ingenious. So alluring. So inviting. Then, you take the bait, and wham! It's a marvel of engineering.

JERRY

It's a marvel the authorities permit you to roam among us unsupervised.

KRAMER

I know I can beat this thing.

KRAMER STRUGGLES FRANTICALLY. THE PHONE RINGS. JERRY PICKS UP A PAIR OF SCISSORS AND DEFTLY SNIPS THE TRAP IN HALF.

KRAMER (CONT'D)

Not very sporting, Jerry.

JERRY

(INTO THE PHONE) Hello. No. I don't want to be a patron. Or a sponsor. No. (HE HANGS UP) Kramer, this is your fault.

KRAMER

What now?

JERRY

The calls are non-stop. How much money did you donate to that hospital?

KRAMER

I don't know exactly. Two hundred and fifty maybe.

JERRY

Thousand? Dollars?

KRAMER

For that, you get your own wing. At first, they offered an annex, but I nipped that in the bud.

JERRY

Well, now you have some new "bud nipping" to attend to. Every organization in the city thinks I'm Bruce Wayne.

KRAMER

Get used to it. You're a philanthropist.

JERRY

I'm not a philanthropist. I'm just pissed.

THE PHONE RINGS. JERRY GLARES.

KRAMER

All right. I'll take care of it. (BEAT) Entertainers are so...touchy.

JERRY GRIMACES AS THE PHONE CONTINUES TO RING. HE COOLLY PICKS UP THE PHONE, SETS IT IN THE REFRIGERATOR AND CLOSES THE DOOR, MUFFLING THE SOUND.

CUT TO:

 

 

ACT TWO

SCENE M

INT. "BASANON" HALL - NIGHT (3)

THE PLACE IS PACKED. JERRY AND GEORGE ENTER.

JERRY

If I hadn't seen it myself, I wouldn't have believed it.

GEORGE

These are my people now, you realize.

JERRY

I'm not convinced you have people. (BEAT) Oh, no, I take that back. There's a buffet table. They may just be your people after all.

THEY MAKE THEIR WAY TO A LONG TABLE OF FOOD. THEY EACH TAKE COOKIES.

GEORGE

Look at all these people.

JERRY

There are a lot of bastards in New York city.

KRAMER ENTERS. GEORGE AND JERRY GESTURE TO HIM.

GEORGE

Kramer. What are you doing here?

KRAMER

I could ask you the same thing.

GEORGE

I'm a bastard.

KRAMER

Join the crowd. Jerry, are you--

JERRY

No, I'm just "enabling" this bastard.

A SQUAT MAN, GIL, GOES BEFORE THE GROUP. PEOPLE TAKE THEIR SEATS.

GIL

If I could have your attention. Thank you. I'm Gil.

ALL

Hello, Gil.

GIL

Welcome bastards. We've got a lot planned, so let's get started. First, a few words from our president. Please welcome Sherman Ross.

JERRY'S MOUTH IS AGAPE AS SHERMAN EMERGES FROM THE CROWD. THE CROWD CHEERS.

JERRY

(WHISPERING TO GEORGE) It figures. He's a bastard. That's how he knows everybody. It all makes sense. And to think, I once admired that bastard.

SHERMAN

Welcome, bastards. By being here, you've made an important step toward coming to grips with your...unique distinction. You're not like everyone else. You're special. Sometimes you feel like an outsider...

GEORGE

Yes!

SHERMAN

Like a pariah.

GEORGE

It's like he knows me.

SHERMAN

But here, you're an insider. You're in fine company after all. Marilyn Monroe was a bastard. So were Leonardo de Vinci, Jack London, King Arthur, David Jansen and Evita Perone...

JERRY

And Sweet Pea. Don't forget Sweet Pea.

SHERMAN

Here, you can take pride in being a bastard.

JERRY

Oh, yeah, this is looking more and more like an episode of "Outer Limits" with each passing moment.

SHERMAN

I see some new faces here tonight. I'd like you to come up here and tell us about your experiences as a bastard. Why you're proud to be a bastard. (SCANNING THE CROWD) You there, in the back, George isn't it?

SHERMAN WALKS TOWARD GEORGE AND JERRY. GEORGE GOES UP FRONT.

GEORGE

(TO THE GROUP) My name is George.

ALL

Hello, George.

GEORGE

I'm a bastard.

THE CROWD GOES WILD.

CUT TO:

 

 

ACT TWO

SCENE N

EXT. MOVIE THEATER - STREET - NIGHT (5)

JERRY MEETS UP WITH ELAINE AND DASRA.

JERRY

Good to finally meet you, Dasra. I've heard so much about you.

DASRA

I, too, have heard many flattering things about you. You are a comedian. Remind me to tell you a joke I heard about two marwaris. It's what I believe you call a "hoot," isn't it Elaine?

ELAINE

Oh, my, yes. My sides are still aching.

DASRA

I'll go get the tickets. My treat.

HE GOES OFF TO THE BOX OFFICE.

JERRY

So, I take it things are going well.

ELAINE

Real well. It's not only my sides aching, Jerry, thanks to "The Clinging Creeper."

JERRY

Wha--

ELAINE

I can't go into it. Let's just say that things are going very well.

JERRY

Except for the part about your entire relationship being based on a deception--the kind of thing you'd expect to see in a "Lucy" episode.

ELAINE

Oh, please. We're so beyond that. I came clean.

JERRY

Congratulations.

ELAINE

You know. I think he may be the one.

JERRY

No.

ELAINE

He's great.

JERRY

Really. Well then, I'll have to learn more about this dark, mysterious snake charmer.

ELAINE

Watch it.

JERRY

Come by the ashram for drinks later?

ELAINE

Fine. But no cow.

JERRY

No problem.

CUT TO:

 

 

ACT TWO

SCENE P

INT. JERRY'S APARTMENT - NIGHT (5)

JERRY, ELAINE AND DASRA ENTER. KRAMER IS COOKING.

JERRY

(TO KRAMER) Well, don't be shy. My home is your home, and I intend that to be as facetious as it sounded. More so, in fact.

ELAINE

Dasra, this is Kramer.

KRAMER PRESSES HIS PALMS TOGETHER.

KRAMER

Namaste.

ALL ARE IMPRESSED.

DASRA

Namaste.

KRAMER

Anybody hungry?

ELAINE

Sure.

SHE NOTICES SOMETHING ON THE FLOOR AND CRUSHES IT WITH HER FOOT.

ELAINE (CONT'D)

Gotcha.

DASRA GASPS.

DASRA

What did you do?

ELAINE

A cricket. It was--

DASRA GASPS AGAIN AND CLUTCHES HIS CHEST.

DASRA

How could you kill so indiscriminately? For all you know, that creature might have contained the reincarnated soul of my grandmother, or my dearly departed uncle Samudra.

JERRY

Oh, boy.

KRAMER

Then I guess it's safe to assume you'll be passing on this.

KRAMER GESTURES TO THE STOVE. JERRY GOES OVER.

JERRY

Crickets!

KRAMER

I couldn't take it anymore, Jerry. The racket was unbearable. It was a din, I tell you.

DASRA IS AGHAST.

JERRY

A "din"? That's serious. You don't experience "dins" every day.

DASRA

(TO ELAINE) This is your friend? I cannot tolerate this...this...merciless slaughter of innocent souls! You should be ashamed of yourselves. All of you! Murderers!

DASRA STORMS OUT. ELAINE STARTS AFTER HIM.

ELAINE

No, wait, please! Don't go!

SHE COMES BACK IN AND STALKS TOWARD KRAMER.

ELAINE (CONT'D)

Kramer, you idiot.

JERRY

I'll say. He just sautéed his nest egg.

ELAINE APPROACHES KRAMER AND PROCEEDS TO CHOKE HIM.

ELAINE

He was really, really wealthy, Kramer.

JERRY

I like my insects over-easy. I'd like a side of dust mites if it's no trouble.

ELAINE

I'm going to kill you, Kramer, and don't bother coming back as anything...unless it's a piñata.

FREEZE FRAME.

 

END OF SHOW

 

home.jpg (4312 bytes)backbuttn.jpg (3857 bytes)