| SEINFELD "Jiminey"
Written by Scott E. Roeben © Scott E. Roeben
ACT ONE SCENE A INT. JERRY'S APARTMENT - DAY (1) JERRY'S WATCHING TELEVISION, FEET PROPPED UP. THE FLOOR OF HIS APARTMENT IS COVERED WITH PLASTIC CUPS TURNED UPSIDE DOWN. GEORGE BURSTS IN. GEORGE They're killing me, Jer. Killing me. JERRY No, really, barge right in. I've always felt "knocking" and "calling ahead" were a little gauche. "Barging" is much more your style. You were always a fine barger. GEORGE When did you start saying "gauche"? JERRY Sure, I said it. Proudly. I'll have you know, I once said "wherewithal." I'll say it again if I'm cornered. GEORGE They are absolutely killing me. JERRY Corns acting up again? GEORGE My folks. I'm dying here. You might as well lock me in a garage with the car running. JERRY What now? GEORGE NOTICES THE CUPS. GEORGE What's going on? What's with the cups? JERRY I have no idea where they're coming from. GEORGE My guess would be the cupboard. JERRY Crickets. GEORGE Crickets? Really? JERRY I think they're coming in under the door, because of the warmth. They just keep coming. It's like a plague. GEORGE Why don't you just crush them? JERRY Can't do it. They're crickets, for godsakes. Defenseless. They're the little old ladies of the wild kingdom. KRAMER ENTERS. KRAMER George. Jerry. JERRY Take Kramer, for example. Another Olympic-class barger. KRAMER Oh, hey, I see you're still having that cricket problem. JERRY Uh-huh. (TO GEORGE) You were saying? GEORGE It's my folks. They're insisting on throwing me a birthday party, you know, for my thirty-fifth. JERRY So, what's the problem? GEORGE Oh, if only it were that simple. Can anything in my life be that simple? I haven't been able to communicate with these lunatics up to this point, why would this be any different? SFX: DOOR BUZZER. KRAMER HITS THE BUTTON. ELAINE (O.C.) It's Elaine. KRAMER Come. HE HITS THE BUZZER TO LET HER IN DOWNSTAIRS. GEORGE When they're together, they fight like cats and dogs. Worse. Like animals that don't even get along as well as cats and dogs. KRAMER Like ants...and chimps with twigs. Natural enemies. GEORGE Now you understand. KRAMER But I see their position. They love you, so they want to throw you a party. Count me in. GEORGE I'm forced to act as go-between for these people. In effect, I'm throwing myself a party. I don't even want a party. ELAINE ENTERS. SHE'S HOLDING A MAKEUP MIRROR, SCRUTINIZING HER FOREHEAD. JERRY See? Granted, Elaine didn't call ahead, but she did buzz. There was no discernible barging. ELAINE What's with the cups? JERRY The Rathskeller was closed, so we ended up having the kegger here. KRAMER Crickets. ELAINE There are crickets under there? What are you, some kind of baby-man? KRAMER I bet they make a lot of noise at night. JERRY At first I found it relaxing. A little like being on a farm upstate. Now, I'm as close to going insane as you can be without actually driving ice picks into your own ears. ELAINE Notice anything odd about my forehead? JERRY You mean how far up it goes? GEORGE The wrinkles? KRAMER The high sheen? ELAINE Shut up. I'm talking about the swelling. JERRY, GEORGE & KRAMER (IMPROV) No, no. Didn't notice. ELAINE I'm sprouting the granddaddy of all break-outs here. I give it three hours before a full-scale eruption. GEORGE HEADS FOR THE DOOR. JERRY Like I said. It's a plague. Like boils. Next, it'll be frogs or lice. GEORGE As much as I'd love to hang out here and discuss your dermatological problems, I have a few problems of my own. I've got a party to plan. JERRY (SMUGLY) Wouldn't miss it for the world. GEORGE Hey, anybody know where I can get those little cocktail napkins with sports trivia on them? KRAMER Lowell's Party Supplies. Grand and forty-seventh. While you're there, pick me up some of those Chinese finger puzzles. I love those things. GEORGE EXITS. ELAINE (PATTING HER FOREHEAD) This is going to be huge. JERRY Oh, stop. You're acting as if the police are going to have to come and cordon it off. ELAINE It's coming, funny man, and there's nothing I--or anyone--can do to stop it. It's going to be like that scene in "Alien." KRAMER I can take care of these crickets for you, Jerry. JERRY Yeah? Without killing them? ELAINE As I suspected. Baby-man. KRAMER Sure thing. No problem. JERRY Make it so. KRAMER I'll even cut you in on the action. ELAINE There you go. It begins as a favor, and it mutates into a scheme. KRAMER There's a fortune to be made in crickets. Bait. These babies can really breed. Just like cockroaches. JERRY I don't want to know about it. Just do it. While we're out. And I never want to hear about this again. Understand? KRAMER Forfeiting your share, then? JERRY Donate it to charity. I mean it, I don't want anything to do with this. JERRY AND ELAINE HEAD OUT. SHE'S OBSESSED WITH HER FOREHEAD. JERRY (CONT'D) You sure you want to be seen in public like that? ELAINE Shut up. Or I'll rub my legs together and you'll be begging for an ice pick. THEY EXIT. CUT TO:
ACT ONE SCENE B INT. FRANK & ESTELLE COSTANZA'S HOME - DAY (1) GEORGE IS HASHING OUT PARTY DETAILS WITH HIS PARENTS. GEORGE So, we've decided on the date. The party will take place...on my birthday. That only took us four hours. The rest should be a piece of cake. FRANK I think we should have one of those ice cream cakes. Not all ice cream. An ice cream cake with cake in it. ESTELLE My sister's allergic to dairy products. FRANK Fine. We'll change the invitations to read "If you're allergic to dairy products, GET A LIFE." We're having an ice cream cake. That's final! And one more thing. We should have those little napkins with sports trivia on them. GEORGE Already on it. You're not dealing with a flatworm here. ESTELLE Georgie, have you thought about what you're going to wear to the party? GEORGE One thing at a time. FRANK Leave him alone, will you, Estelle? ESTELLE He'll wait until the last minute, then he'll wear something that doesn't match. He'll end up looking like a vagrant. People will drop spare change into his wine glass. FRANK I think this party should be a surprise party. GEORGE What? FRANK They're always fun. Everybody jumping out and saying "Surprise!" ESTELLE For once you're making sense. A surprise party. GEORGE JUST LOOKS AT THEM IN DISBELIEF. FRANK We need a place. GEORGE Somewhere I'll never suspect. ESTELLE What about Jerry's place? FRANK It's not big enough. ESTELLE How big does the place have to be to fit George's friends? How many can there be? GEORGE RESTS HIS FACE IN HIS PALMS. CUT TO:
ACT ONE SCENE C INT. KRAMER'S APARTMENT - DAY (1) THE DOOR SWINGS OPEN AS KRAMER STRUGGLES WITH SEVERAL AQUARIUMS. THERE ARE A FEW ALREADY SET UP, EQUIPPED WITH HEAT LAMPS AND THE WHOLE NINE YARDS. HE SETS THE AQUARIUMS DOWN AND GOES OUT. CUT TO:
INT. JERRY'S APARTMENT - DAY (1) - CONTINUOUS KRAMER ENTERS. HE GRASPS TWO CUPS ON THE FLOOR, ONE WITH EACH HAND, AND ANOTHER WITH ONE FOOT, AND SLIDES THE CUPS ALONG THE FLOOR AND OUT THE DOOR. CUT TO:
INT. KRAMER'S APARTMENT - DAY (1) - CONTINUOUS HE CONTINUES TO SLIDE THE CUPS. HE NEARS ONE OF HIS HOMEMADE INCUBATORS AND FLIPS THE CUPS UP AND IN. CRICKETS ARE LOOSE. HE SCRAMBLES TO CONTAIN THEM. HE CONTORTS WILDLY. CUT TO:
ACT ONE SCENE D INT. COFFEE SHOP - DAY (1) JERRY AND ELAINE EAT LUNCH. ELAINE DABS HER FOREHEAD WITH A MAKEUP SPONGE. ELAINE What did I tell you? SHE PULLS HER HAND AWAY. THERE IS A HUGE, RED BLEMISH IN THE MIDDLE OF HER FOREHEAD. JERRY Maybe it wouldn't look so bad if you didn't touch it so much. Whatever you do, please don't point that thing at me. ELAINE "Touching" has nothing to do with it. It's genetics. JERRY That, and the wheelbarrows full of lard-soaked fries. Just leave it alone. JERRY CAREFULLY LAYS OUT THE CONTENTS OF HIS WALLET ON THE TABLETOP. ELAINE What are you doing? JERRY (DRAMATICALLY) The changing of the wallet. HE PROUDLY LAYS A NEW WALLET ON THE TABLE. ELAINE (MOCKINGLY) Ooh. JERRY You can't be expected to understand the ritual. Women are indiscriminate with where they put their belongings. With men, it's just one wallet. We don't keep seven wallets so we have one to match our pumps. Just the one. A bond forms. Like the bond a man forms with his first mustache. ELAINE Terrific. (GOING ON) What are you doing tonight? JERRY Movie. With Sherman. ELAINE Oh, that guy you met at-- JERRY The "Ha-Ha Hut." He's the night manager. Nice enough guy. ELAINE Thought you said you weren't looking for new friends. You'd hit your quota. JERRY It's just a movie. Not a commitment. It's a low maintenance friendship. (BEAT) Boy, you think you know what's in your wallet. I must have half-a-dozen photo processing stubs. They make it sound like you need them to get your film, but you never do. Let's just hope the people who devised that security system have nothing to do with protecting our nation's nuclear armaments. ELAINE SORTS THROUGH SOME OF THE WALLET CONTENTS. ELAINE So, where's the condom? Can latex actually evaporate after a certain period? JERRY Men don't carry condoms in their wallets. It's an urban myth...like that one about people putting poodles in microwaves. Or the one about green M&Ms being aphrodisiacs. ELAINE Which is ridiculous. Every color of M&M is an aphrodisiac. JERRY HOLDS SOMETHING UP. JERRY Oh. ELAINE What? JERRY (DISGUSTED) It's a gift certificate to "The Bookworm," that bookstore. ELAINE Where's that place? JERRY Exactly. Where? My parents sent me that gift certificate after my first appearance on the Letterman show. ELAINE That must've been five, six years ago. JERRY Yes. Years. I've never been able to use it. I went to one location, the store was boarded up. I heard a rumor there's another store, but it's all the way across town. No one's even sure where. I'm being held hostage by a gift certificate. Why don't people just send cash? ELAINE Impersonal. JERRY Oh, yes, and gift certificates show that personal touch. Who are they trying to fool? Gift certificates are like cash, but from Laos. (BEAT) I know. I'll leave it as a tip. In effect, it's a thirty dollar tip. More than generous. ELAINE Look, I gotta go. Maybe I can find a curling iron and brush some hair in front of this...thing. JERRY Rapunzel wouldn't have enough hair to cover that thing. ELAINE RISES TO LEAVE. AS SHE DOES, DASRA--PERHAPS THE MOST HANDSOME HINDU MAN WHO HAS EVER LIVED--ENTERS WEARING A STETHOSCOPE AROUND HIS NECK. HE SEES ELAINE AND STOPS IN HIS TRACKS. HE PRESSES HIS PALMS TOGETHER. DASRA Namaste. (HE BOWS SLIGHTLY) ELAINE GUSHES. JERRY JUST ROLLS HIS EYES. CUT TO:
ACT ONE SCENE E EXT. MOVIE THEATER - STREET - NIGHT (1) JERRY APPROACHES SHERMAN, A NONDESCRIPT GUY IN HIS LATE 30S. JERRY FIDGETS AND ADJUSTS THE POSITION OF THE NEW WALLET IN HIS BACK POCKET. JERRY Hey, Sherman. SHERMAN I got the tickets. (BEAT) New wallet, huh? JERRY Yeah. A COUPLE COMES OUT OF THE THEATER. MAN Sherman. How are you? WOMAN Great to see you. SHERMAN It's been a week or two hasn't it? MAN Call us Monday, will you? SHERMAN Sure. (TO JERRY) They're great. JERRY STARTS TO SPEAK, BUT BEFORE HE CAN, TWO ATTRACTIVE WOMEN APPROACH SHERMAN. DONNA Sherm! SHERMAN Betty. Donna. Great to see you. This is Jerry, Jerry Seinfeld. JERRY Hi. BETTY Thanks for the Hanukkah present. SHERMAN We should have dinner. THE WOMEN DEPART. SHERMAN AND JERRY WALK FARTHER. JERRY I have to say, Sherman-- TWO TEENAGERS, IN LINE FOR THE MOVIES, INTERRUPT. NEWT Mr. Ross. SHERMAN Hey, how you been, buddy? NEWT Can't complain. You? SHERMAN Great. Just great. JERRY WATCHES IN DISBELIEF AS SHERMAN MOVES ON AND KNOWS SEVERAL OTHER PEOPLE IN LINE. CUT TO:
ACT ONE SCENE F INT. ELAINE'S BEDROOM - NIGHT (1) ELAINE AND DASRA ARE DISHEVELED. ELAINE Wow. DASRA I will take that as a compliment. ELAINE Was that something you picked up in med school? DASRA Do you not recall your "Kama Sutra"? Those were variations on "The Flower in Bloom" and "The Flag of Cupid." ELAINE Oh, yes, well. "The Flower in Bloom," of course. Who could forget that? DASRA You are so lovely, Elaine. So intelligent. ELAINE Thank you. You too, Dasra. Then, I guess you'd have to be, I mean, as a surgeon. What was your specialty? DASRA Maxillofacial prosthetics. ELAINE Yeah, that. DASRA I especially enjoy the sense of humor you possess. Rare in a woman. ELAINE You should see me when I get some rum in me. I'm a riot. DASRA Perhaps you would appreciate a joke I heard in the O.R. today. We were prepping for a craniofacial osseointegration, and Dr. Sarawasti says "How was wire invented?" I asked "How?" And he said "Two marwaris spotted the same coin!" DASRA LAUGHS BOOMINGLY AT THE JOKE. ELAINE SHOWS HER BAFFLEMENT FOR A SPLIT SECOND, THEN PLAYS ALONG AND LAUGHS AWKWARDLY. CUT TO:
ACT ONE SCENE G INT. JERRY'S APARTMENT - DAY (2) GEORGE LOUNGES IN THE LIVING ROOM. JERRY SITS ON THE ARM OF THE COUCH. JERRY It's baffling. He seems to know everybody. GEORGE You always run into people you know. JERRY Not like this. He knows everyone. JERRY SITS, THEN STANDS AND ADJUSTS HIS WALLET, THEN SITS AGAIN. GEORGE New wallet? JERRY Yeah. I'm just not sure we're...compatible. GEORGE You don't have to tell me. I had the same problem with an electric razor once. JERRY So, we're at a movie theater, and Sherm literally knows half the people there. In line. On the street. Random encounters, and he knows everyone. He's like one of those "Psychic Friends." It's like he's memorized the entire white pages of New York City. KRAMER ENTERS WITH HIS USUAL FLOURISH. OUTSIDE THE DOOR WE SEE FISHERMEN MILLING ABOUT--MEN IN WADERS, AND FISHING VESTS. KRAMER Jer, I need baggies. You got any? JERRY Sure. KRAMER This cricket thing is a goldmine. I went from one apartment to another collecting them. I've already got a backlog of orders. I even got a call from one of those upscale health food restaurants. Come to find out, crickets are a great source of lowfat protein. JERRY Vermin a la Cosmo. KRAMER Crickets, Jer. The other white meat. AS KRAMER EXITS, ELAINE ENTERS. ELAINE Hello, fellas. JERRY Well, well. Tell us all about it. ELAINE About what? JERRY Oh, please. The doctor. How pretentious is that, wearing a stethoscope wherever he goes? Who else do you see doing that? You never see salvage divers walking around wearing swim fins. ELAINE He's a surgeon. Specializing in maxillofacial something or other. JERRY Not to mention he's also roguishly handsome. ELAINE That, too. (BEAT) His name is Dasra. JERRY Das-ra. Very nice. ELAINE He's named after the Hindu god of medicine. And there's only one problem as far as I can tell. GEORGE Here it comes. ELAINE I'm fairly sure he thinks I'm Hindu. SILENCE. JERRY Ah, because of the...growth. ELAINE Yes. JERRY But you're not, of course. Hindu. Or even remotely of Indian persuasion. ELAINE I don't need to remind you I saw "Ghandi" four times. And I'm talking about in a theater. Not on video. That doesn't even include video. JERRY He thinks you're Hindu. Well, I Vishnu both the best of luck. ELAINE He is roguishly handsome, isn't he? GEORGE Lies. Tell me about it. I've cornered the market. ELAINE How's that? GEORGE I'm knee-deep in deception. I'm planning a surprise birthday party. For myself. I'm being coerced into constructing an elaborate maze of lies to surprise myself. JERRY I see. GEORGE It gets better. In a couple of months, I'll have to plan their thirty-fifth anniversary party. I foresee the need for heavy sedation. JERRY At least in the case of your birthday you're working on behalf of someone you truly love. ELAINE Anniversary? Thirty-fifth, you say? GEORGE Yeah. ELAINE I thought you said it was your thirty-fifth birthday coming up. GEORGE Right. My birthday is in January. Their anniversary is in March. ELAINE Of the same year. GEORGE What's your point, Indira? ELAINE Well, it would appear that your parents were married two months after you were born. GEORGE Well, of course not, that would-- UTTER SILENCE. GEORGE (CONT'D) --make me a bastard! That can't be. JERRY Care to use my abacus? GEORGE Wait. That can't be. I'm no bastard. (BEAT) I'm a BASTARD! JERRY I've always thought so. GEORGE DASHES TO THE PHONE. GEORGE There's got to be some mistake. ELAINE Yes, apparently it involved your parents and birth control. GEORGE DIALS. GEORGE This isn't funny! JERRY I'm afraid I have to differ with you. GEORGE Ma. It's George. (BEAT) Costanza. Yes. Look, Ma, I'm thirty-five in a few days. (UNDER HIS BREATH) I thought maybe a cardigan, but that's not important right now. Look, Ma, you and dad are having your thirty-fifth anniversary this year, right? But that can't be, because that would make me...(BEAT) Right. Uh-huh. Fine. Terrific. (CUPPING HIS HAND OVER THE RECEIVER) I'm a bastard. JERRY Shocking. GEORGE Ma, don't cry. (BEAT) Don't cry. Good. Now, one more thing. The party is off! Hear me? It's off. Forget the whole thing! Your little bastard is calling the whole thing off! Now you can cry! JERRY (TO ELAINE) Oh, good work. GEORGE SLAMS DOWN THE PHONE. GEORGE Just call me "bastard." ELAINE STARTS TO SAY IT, THEN SEES THE FURY IN GEORGE'S EYES AND THINKS BETTER OF IT. FADE OUT.
END OF ACT ONE
ACT TWO SCENE H INT. FRANK & ESTELLE COSTANZA'S HOME - DAY (3) GEORGE BURSTS IN. ESTELLE AND FRANK ARE CONCERNED AND A LITTLE EMBARRASSED. ESTELLE George. GEORGE Don't "George" me. What do you have to say for yourselves? FRANK About what? GEORGE About what? How about my bastardhood? FRANK What's to say? ESTELLE George, don't use that word. It's not polite. It's like with my friend, Dottie. I insist she not use the word "goiter" around me. GEORGE You know, actually, being a bastard explains a lot. FRANK You heard your mother. Don't use that word. GEORGE I'll use it. I'll use it whenever I feel like it. You know why? Because bastards have a bad attitude. Bastards are rebels. This explains everything. FRANK Explains what? GEORGE My whole life. My life has been a series of disasters occasionally interrupted by tragedy. Being born out of wedlock was just the first of many tragedies. ESTELLE Don't be so melodramatic. So, we jumped the gun. George we were in love...as good as married. GEORGE "As good as married" isn't married. You fornicated. What were you thinking? FRANK Well, I for one was thinking about Rita Hayworth. ESTELLE Don't you think we've paid for what we did? GEORGE Paid? How have you paid? ESTELLE The guilt, George. The guilt. FRANK Speak for yourself. The only thing I feel guilty about is all those years of passing wind and blaming it on the dog. That was a good dog. He didn't deserve that stigma. GEORGE I'm the one with the stigma now. Me. I hope you're happy. ESTELLE We loved you just the same. Bastard or not. Oh, now you've got me saying it. FRANK So, does this mean the party is cancelled? GEORGE What do you want to do, hold me up to public ridicule? Is that what you want? FRANK What I want is to walk around my apartment in my underwear, which is nearly impossible if you keep dropping in. GEORGE That attitude doesn't surprise me. ESTELLE No one should walk around in their underwear? The Health Department should cite you. GEORGE Enough. That's enough. I'm done. I have no more to say. FRANK That would be a first. CUT TO:
ACT TWO SCENE J INT. COFFEE SHOP - DAY (3) GEORGE AND JERRY ARE SEATED AT THEIR USUAL TABLE. JERRY IS FLUSTERED. JERRY I don't get this. We've been here forty-five minutes, and the waitress hasn't even acknowledged us. I've got to find out if they found my old wallet. GEORGE New one not working out? JERRY I tried to break it in, but it's no use. We're calling it quits. Irreconcilable differences. GEORGE Pardon me if I don't get too broken up about your little dilemma. I'm just a little more concerned about being a...(STRUGGLES WITH THE WORD) bastard, thank you. I went to see my parents, you know, to try and sort the whole mess out. It's bedlam there. JERRY I think you might be overreacting here, Georgie-boy. GEORGE I'm not overreacting. You don't know what it's like, Jerry. You're legitimate, although I wouldn't take anything for granted. When you're a bastard, you're lost. You're alone in the world. Bastards have no compass, Jerry. THE WAITRESS LOOKS LIKE SHE'S COMING OVER, BUT SHE SNEERS AT JERRY AND VEERS TO ANOTHER TABLE. JERRY What is her problem? GEORGE Being a bastard changes everything. I'm a piranha. JERRY I'm pretty sure you mean "pariah." GEORGE Right. An outcast. An outsider. JERRY I'm not sure being a bastard is the same source of shame it used to be. GEORGE No? JERRY Everything's changed. Nobody wears scarlet letters anymore. Nobody's drawn or quartered. Although, I can understand that. It's almost impossible to get a quartering stain out. GEORGE And what's more, what in the hell am I supposed to do with all those trivia napkins? It'll take me three years to work my way through them. THE WAITRESS WALKS BY AGAIN. JERRY WAVES HIS ARMS FURIOUSLY. WAITRESS Sir, I'd love to help you, but I have to get to the bookstore before it closes...and the one I have to go to is about an hour-and-a-half from here. Sorry. SHE WALKS AWAY. JERRY Oh, no. The gift certificate. GEORGE What? JERRY It's a long story. Now I'll never get my wallet back. I can't stand this new wallet. It's cutting into me like I've got a ninja star in my pocket. GEORGE Jerry, I have to ask a favor. I need you to go with me. JERRY (CAUTIOUSLY) Uh-huh. Where? GEORGE To a support group I heard about. GEORGE (CONT'D) BASANON. (BEAT) "Bastards Anonymous." Will you come with me? JERRY You bet your life, whoreson. GEORGE GLARES. SHERMAN AND KRAMER ENTER THE COFFEE SHOP TOGETHER, LAUGHING. THEY SPOT JERRY. JERRY (CONT'D) Hi, Sherman. Kramer, you know Sherman? KRAMER Sure. We go way back. KRAMER SITS DOWN. SHERMAN We sure do. I've known Cosmo ever since, oh, when was it? KRAMER Way back. JERRY Sherm, this is George Costanza. Want to stay for lunch? SHERMAN No, got to run. But it was good seeing-- SHERMAN SPOTS PEOPLE HE KNOWS AT THE NEXT TABLE. SHERMAN (CONT'D) Bill Morgan. How the hell have you been, you old rascal? JERRY (UNDER HIS BREATH) Here we go again. SHERMAN (TO JERRY) Anyway, I've got to run, but it was great seeing you. THE WAITRESS COMES OVER AND HUGS SHERMAN FROM BEHIND. WAITRESS Sherm, how have you been, darling? JERRY (ASIDE) Unbelievable. SHERMAN You look great. WAITRESS These friends of yours, Sherm? SHERMAN Yes, yes they are. WAITRESS Well then, I'll take special care of them. JERRY Actually, I was wondering if maybe you'd seen my old wallet. I left it here when... WAITRESS Sure thing, honey. SHE TAKES IT OUT OF HER APRON. JERRY Thank you. You saved my life. SHERMAN Gotta run. SHERMAN BLOWS A KISS TO THE WAITRESS AND EXITS. WAITRESS What can I get for you? KRAMER OPENS A MENU. KRAMER We're going to need a little time, all right? SHE NODS AND WALKS AWAY BEFORE JERRY AND GEORGE CAN STOP HER. JERRY So, Kramer, you know Sherman? KRAMER Everybody knows Sherm. Great guy. JERRY You look terrible, by the way. KRAMER Can't get any sleep. The crickets. JERRY Did I tell you? KRAMER It's all worthwhile, though. That reminds me. Great news, buddy. Remember when you said I should donate your share of the cricket windfall to charity? JERRY No, but there are entire conversations with you that don't stick. KRAMER I took your share so far, twenty-seven hundred bucks-- GEORGE You're kidding. KRAMER I put it into the commodities market. I got a tip on oregano futures. Hear about that typhoon in the Philippines? Boom! Oregano went through the roof. I donated the proceeds to a children's hospital in your name. JERRY Unbelievable. KRAMER Yeah. I'm thinking about expansion. Broadening the product line. You know, angleworms, shiners, midge larvae. JERRY Great idea. To my mind, there's nothing quite as appealing as a midge larvae. Really ought to spruce your place up. KRAMER That's the idea. CUT TO:
ACT TWO SCENE K INT. INDIAN RESTAURANT - DAY (3) ELAINE AND DASRA ARE IN THE MIDDLE OF THEIR TRADITIONAL INDIAN MEAL. DASRA You are something. ELAINE Me? What about you? Earlier, I mean-- DASRA It was nothing. ELAINE That thing you did. What did you call that again? DASRA Mausala. "The Pestle." The object is to make the woman coo and warble like a woodpigeon. ELAINE I cooed. You heard me. Didn't I coo? DASRA Elaine, I have something for you. HE TAKES OUT A GIFT FROM HIS COAT POCKET. ELAINE Oh, Dasra. SHE OPENS THE GIFT, IT IS A DIAMOND TENNIS BRACELET. ELAINE (CONT'D) Oh, it's beautiful. DASRA It pales in your presence. ELAINE Gracias. DASRA Mujay samuj may nahi atahai. [I don't understand.] ELAINE I feel the same way about you. DASRA What? (BEAT) Elaine, can I ask you something? ELAINE Of course. DASRA You're not Hindu are you? ELAINE You mean, as in being an actual Hindu person? As in "champing at the bit to throw myself on your funeral pyre"? DASRA Hindu. ELAINE Not Hindu, no. (CAUGHT) But I really enjoy foods with curry. The more curry the better. Ladle that curry on, as far as I'm concerned. DASRA Elaine, it's all right. ELAINE It is? Because I can return the bracelet. DASRA It is not a great surprise. I was suspicious when you ordered the barbecued ribs at the restaurant last night. ELAINE Oh, the cow thing. Damn. DASRA The cow thing. ELAINE I'm sorry if there was any misunderstanding. Really. DASRA Koibaat nahi. [Never mind.] ELAINE I couldn't agree more. CUT TO:
ACT TWO SCENE L INT. JERRY'S APARTMENT - DAY (3) AS JERRY ARRIVES HOME, HIS PHONE IS RINGING OFF THE HOOK. JERRY Yes, I hear you. Relax. HE PICKS UP THE PHONE. JERRY (CONT'D) Hello. Yes it is. Well, no. Sorry. But thanks for calling and pestering me. HE HANGS UP, AND THE PHONE RINGS A SPLIT SECOND LATER. JERRY (CONT'D) Yes, hello. Yes it is. No, I don't care to make a donation, thank you. I would, however, like to pledge my emotional support to your organization because I feel that diseases are, as a whole, bad. Right. And don't ever, ever call me again. Pass the word along. HE HANGS UP, AND THE PHONE RINGS YET AGAIN. JERRY (CONT'D) Yes, hello. What? A dedication ceremony? For my what? (BEAT) I have a wing? Let me call you back. HE SEARCHES FOR A PEN AND PAPER. JERRY (CONT'D) (UNDER HIS BREATH) Kramer... (BACK TO THE PHONE) Yes, right. Thank you. HE HANGS UP AND REDIALS. HE WAITS. JERRY (CONT'D) Pick up, Kramer. HE HANGS UP, THEN OPENS HIS DOOR. JERRY (CONT'D) Kramer! THERE IS A COMMOTION INSIDE KRAMER'S APARTMENT, THEN HE EMERGES. KRAMER'S HANDS ARE HIDDEN UNDER HIS SHIRT. JERRY (CONT'D) There you are. KRAMER ENTERS. JERRY (CONT'D) Why didn't you answer the phone? What's going on? KRAMER Nothing. I was busy. JERRY You're a terrible liar. Fess up, Kramer! KRAMER All right. I couldn't pick up the phone. HE REMOVES HIS HANDS FROM HIS SHIRT. HIS FINGERS ARE LOCKED IN A CHINESE FINGER PUZZLE. JERRY I don't believe it. KRAMER It's ingenious. So alluring. So inviting. Then, you take the bait, and wham! It's a marvel of engineering. JERRY It's a marvel the authorities permit you to roam among us unsupervised. KRAMER I know I can beat this thing. KRAMER STRUGGLES FRANTICALLY. THE PHONE RINGS. JERRY PICKS UP A PAIR OF SCISSORS AND DEFTLY SNIPS THE TRAP IN HALF. KRAMER (CONT'D) Not very sporting, Jerry. JERRY (INTO THE PHONE) Hello. No. I don't want to be a patron. Or a sponsor. No. (HE HANGS UP) Kramer, this is your fault. KRAMER What now? JERRY The calls are non-stop. How much money did you donate to that hospital? KRAMER I don't know exactly. Two hundred and fifty maybe. JERRY Thousand? Dollars? KRAMER For that, you get your own wing. At first, they offered an annex, but I nipped that in the bud. JERRY Well, now you have some new "bud nipping" to attend to. Every organization in the city thinks I'm Bruce Wayne. KRAMER Get used to it. You're a philanthropist. JERRY I'm not a philanthropist. I'm just pissed. THE PHONE RINGS. JERRY GLARES. KRAMER All right. I'll take care of it. (BEAT) Entertainers are so...touchy. JERRY GRIMACES AS THE PHONE CONTINUES TO RING. HE COOLLY PICKS UP THE PHONE, SETS IT IN THE REFRIGERATOR AND CLOSES THE DOOR, MUFFLING THE SOUND. CUT TO:
ACT TWO SCENE M INT. "BASANON" HALL - NIGHT (3) THE PLACE IS PACKED. JERRY AND GEORGE ENTER. JERRY If I hadn't seen it myself, I wouldn't have believed it. GEORGE These are my people now, you realize. JERRY I'm not convinced you have people. (BEAT) Oh, no, I take that back. There's a buffet table. They may just be your people after all. THEY MAKE THEIR WAY TO A LONG TABLE OF FOOD. THEY EACH TAKE COOKIES. GEORGE Look at all these people. JERRY There are a lot of bastards in New York city. KRAMER ENTERS. GEORGE AND JERRY GESTURE TO HIM. GEORGE Kramer. What are you doing here? KRAMER I could ask you the same thing. GEORGE I'm a bastard. KRAMER Join the crowd. Jerry, are you-- JERRY No, I'm just "enabling" this bastard. A SQUAT MAN, GIL, GOES BEFORE THE GROUP. PEOPLE TAKE THEIR SEATS. GIL If I could have your attention. Thank you. I'm Gil. ALL Hello, Gil. GIL Welcome bastards. We've got a lot planned, so let's get started. First, a few words from our president. Please welcome Sherman Ross. JERRY'S MOUTH IS AGAPE AS SHERMAN EMERGES FROM THE CROWD. THE CROWD CHEERS. JERRY (WHISPERING TO GEORGE) It figures. He's a bastard. That's how he knows everybody. It all makes sense. And to think, I once admired that bastard. SHERMAN Welcome, bastards. By being here, you've made an important step toward coming to grips with your...unique distinction. You're not like everyone else. You're special. Sometimes you feel like an outsider... GEORGE Yes! SHERMAN Like a pariah. GEORGE It's like he knows me. SHERMAN But here, you're an insider. You're in fine company after all. Marilyn Monroe was a bastard. So were Leonardo de Vinci, Jack London, King Arthur, David Jansen and Evita Perone... JERRY And Sweet Pea. Don't forget Sweet Pea. SHERMAN Here, you can take pride in being a bastard. JERRY Oh, yeah, this is looking more and more like an episode of "Outer Limits" with each passing moment. SHERMAN I see some new faces here tonight. I'd like you to come up here and tell us about your experiences as a bastard. Why you're proud to be a bastard. (SCANNING THE CROWD) You there, in the back, George isn't it? SHERMAN WALKS TOWARD GEORGE AND JERRY. GEORGE GOES UP FRONT. GEORGE (TO THE GROUP) My name is George. ALL Hello, George. GEORGE I'm a bastard. THE CROWD GOES WILD. CUT TO:
ACT TWO SCENE N EXT. MOVIE THEATER - STREET - NIGHT (5) JERRY MEETS UP WITH ELAINE AND DASRA. JERRY Good to finally meet you, Dasra. I've heard so much about you. DASRA I, too, have heard many flattering things about you. You are a comedian. Remind me to tell you a joke I heard about two marwaris. It's what I believe you call a "hoot," isn't it Elaine? ELAINE Oh, my, yes. My sides are still aching. DASRA I'll go get the tickets. My treat. HE GOES OFF TO THE BOX OFFICE. JERRY So, I take it things are going well. ELAINE Real well. It's not only my sides aching, Jerry, thanks to "The Clinging Creeper." JERRY Wha-- ELAINE I can't go into it. Let's just say that things are going very well. JERRY Except for the part about your entire relationship being based on a deception--the kind of thing you'd expect to see in a "Lucy" episode. ELAINE Oh, please. We're so beyond that. I came clean. JERRY Congratulations. ELAINE You know. I think he may be the one. JERRY No. ELAINE He's great. JERRY Really. Well then, I'll have to learn more about this dark, mysterious snake charmer. ELAINE Watch it. JERRY Come by the ashram for drinks later? ELAINE Fine. But no cow. JERRY No problem. CUT TO:
ACT TWO SCENE P INT. JERRY'S APARTMENT - NIGHT (5) JERRY, ELAINE AND DASRA ENTER. KRAMER IS COOKING. JERRY (TO KRAMER) Well, don't be shy. My home is your home, and I intend that to be as facetious as it sounded. More so, in fact. ELAINE Dasra, this is Kramer. KRAMER PRESSES HIS PALMS TOGETHER. KRAMER Namaste. ALL ARE IMPRESSED. DASRA Namaste. KRAMER Anybody hungry? ELAINE Sure. SHE NOTICES SOMETHING ON THE FLOOR AND CRUSHES IT WITH HER FOOT. ELAINE (CONT'D) Gotcha. DASRA GASPS. DASRA What did you do? ELAINE A cricket. It was-- DASRA GASPS AGAIN AND CLUTCHES HIS CHEST. DASRA How could you kill so indiscriminately? For all you know, that creature might have contained the reincarnated soul of my grandmother, or my dearly departed uncle Samudra. JERRY Oh, boy. KRAMER Then I guess it's safe to assume you'll be passing on this. KRAMER GESTURES TO THE STOVE. JERRY GOES OVER. JERRY Crickets! KRAMER I couldn't take it anymore, Jerry. The racket was unbearable. It was a din, I tell you. DASRA IS AGHAST. JERRY A "din"? That's serious. You don't experience "dins" every day. DASRA (TO ELAINE) This is your friend? I cannot tolerate this...this...merciless slaughter of innocent souls! You should be ashamed of yourselves. All of you! Murderers! DASRA STORMS OUT. ELAINE STARTS AFTER HIM. ELAINE No, wait, please! Don't go! SHE COMES BACK IN AND STALKS TOWARD KRAMER. ELAINE (CONT'D) Kramer, you idiot. JERRY I'll say. He just sautéed his nest egg. ELAINE APPROACHES KRAMER AND PROCEEDS TO CHOKE HIM. ELAINE He was really, really wealthy, Kramer. JERRY I like my insects over-easy. I'd like a side of dust mites if it's no trouble. ELAINE I'm going to kill you, Kramer, and don't bother coming back as anything...unless it's a piñata. FREEZE FRAME.
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